Have you ever listened to a song called “STARBOY”?
“I’m a muthaf—-n Starboy.”
The Weeknd might as well have sung, “I’m a mother begging baby boy!” Or, “I’m so annoying it hurts-boy!”
OR… we all could just put our faces into a dull meat grinder.
(“Starboy” is a 2016 track, but a strong runner up!)
This year, this list could easily be 20 or more songs long! There was so much trash dumped on us that so many brain dead consumers and pressured DJs actually called music.
It’s SAAAD. BAAAD. Very Baaad! Thank God that 3 Doors Down stayed out of the studio!
But… Nickelback didn’t! Haha! We will stay true to the Top 10 format, but we could just put their whole album on here! All 11 tracks. Done. Worst of 2017.
Maybe later. For now, we will stick with tradition, and deliver to you – the lovers and haters – the top 10 songs that made us want to bash our heads into a wall of sharp spikes, over and over and over and over and over and over and over again! ENJOY!
One more thing; this list is in no particular order, because who would want to actually try and organize vomit and garbage? (You can’t, unless of course you’re Ed Sheeran or Lil Pump).
1. NICKELBACK – “Feed The Machine”
I don’t think I have ever even heard this song! Honestly, if I have I would recognize it as recorded piss, but I couldn’t actually pick it out of a random playlist! But, obviously because of who made it (by getting drunk and playing Oujia and trying to pluck a chord), it is at the top – or bottom – of this list!
You may ask, how could I judge a song without even hearing it? Well, that is the absolute beauty that Nickelcrap gives us! They just are…terrible.
Even if they covered a classic rock song, they would still turn it into a rotting pile of pig corpses. You are welcome.
2. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
I don’t even know where to begin on this one!? It is degrading to women, sexist, emotionless, despicable, and oh yeah… it is one of the worst songs to ever be released. Ever. Absolute rubbish, garbage, filth, and crap.
Let me clarify by telling a story:
I once worked at a Dude Ranch. (Don’t google that, but it is a horse ranch where we took uber-rich people on horseback rides). I was shoveling horse manure out of the stable. The owner of the ranch, a true cowboy, came up to me, and I said, “This horse crap stinks!”
He looked at me like I was the dumbest human on earth. “You mean horse shit,” he wryly stated. “That is what it is called. Don’t ever let me hear you call it crap again!”
The music video is so lame, it is not worth posting. Not that I watched it. I need a break…
3. Taylor Swift – “Look What You Made Me Do”
So…is this the newest reincarnation of Swift? Going from hopeless romantic who is “shaking it off” to angry and slightly skankier multi-personality, finger pointing, cursing Swift? Then, blaming it on us? Or a guy? I am so confused. I guess that is what happens when you try to stay relevant in the eyes of the whole world. It is a losing battle. Taylor has lost. Terribly.
This song makes me want to go buy a 50 pound sledgehammer and bash my car to smithereens while this song plays and dies, on the same car radio.
No Taylor, we (or he) didn’t “MAKE” you do anything. You just decided to make more ear pollution. It really is too bad that an entire generation of pre-teen girls are being raised on this filth. Oh well, almost anything is better than butt implants and music videos only released on those NSFW websites! Kanye…… Don’t!
4. Justin Bieber – “Despacito” ft. Daddy Yankee & Luis Fonsi
I am not really sure what is even going on here. Ok, so a couple of Latin Americans made a song that got over a billion hits on YouTube, and so the little baby Biebs forced his little hand and cashed in on it? Sounds about right.
He needs some father figures.
Looks like daddy Yankee (why does a Latino call himself that? Was daddy Latin already taken???) and this Fonsi guy were doing ok on their own. Then, in classic Biebs fashion – which is dreadful by the way – he single-handedly makes this Spanish pop song into one giant pile of maggot infested zombie guts.
Well, look at the bright side: Justin may have learned some Spanish. But probably not. He can’t even dance in any kind of rhythm, so how could he balance Hello and Hola? One can dream… or have nightmares.
5. Coldplay & The Chainsmokers – “Something Just Like This”
First time I heard this song, I had no idea it was Coldplay (and The Chainsmokers are so non-talented they aren’t even worth a mention!). Even Chris Martin’s voice sounded way too poppy. I just thought it was another generic pop song that was infesting the radio air waves with virus carrying sound bites.
Then I found out it was Coldplay, and all my hope in them was lost. I don’t mind this band. I even bought one of their vinyls of that Viva album; but this song just got on my nerves, and killed any small amount of hope that I may have had in them. Especially after they played the Superbowl, when everyone knew it should have been Metallica! I mean, come on!!!
6. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
Anyone else fed up with bands trying to recreate and rehash this genre? I don’t even care what genre it is, but this whole “modern music” thing is such a farce. Who forgot about Prince, Queen, Bowie, and Joy Division already? As if this new stuff deserves way more recognition and exposure? Plus, this song has absolutely no backbone. Nothing that gives it any merit or worth. It sucks. There is a beat and some snappy vocals, but what is that?
For a band that some critics call fresh and original, I just can’t hear it.
Now, I didn’t watch the music video long enough to really see, but I think that was Dolph Lundgren in the video. Either his career has taken an extreme nosedive, or Imagine Dragons needed some testosterone to rub off on them? Probably both.
7. Shawn Mendes – “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back”
……Really? More of this? To all of you big fat, donut eating money cash rolling, record execs making oodles and oodles of money off of poor little innocent, taken-advantage-of Shawn Mendes ……… well, no one is going to stop you. So really, the general public will just keep suffering.
There is no redeeming quality to music like this. Absolutely none. Even when the lovers of it hate it from overexposure; it is still just dark and miserable and pointless.
You see, this is a disposable song that the masses will forget about in a month, and then move on to barbarically consume the next rotting piece of noise flesh that these record execs force feed them.
Did I go too far? Oops. I guess there was ‘nothing holdin’ me back’
8. Jason Derulo – “Swalla” ft. Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
I am not even kidding: I actually couldn’t even make it through thirty seconds of this! I am guessing that if I got to the end, I would actually have thrown up. Yep.
Another classic example of hip-hop/R&B/pop being fully exploited to gross us out and make some dolla bills.
I don’t even know what else to say…leave a comment with your opinion!
Bring on the hate!!!
Wanna see it? Google works. Although Derulo is a talented singer, he licked the bottom of the septic tank on this one!
Again, use google to view the eye trash that is the music video for this song. It is good wholesome fun; turning human beings into nothing more than food bags and paint canvases, or some stuff I literally could not watch.
(Yes, you may think I am old fashioned, or that I am too stingy or whatever, but there is a line that is crossed when the art of music is used for senseless exploitation, and that I cannot support. It makes it annoying, dumb, and absolutely pointless. IMO)
9. Lil Pump – “Gucci Gang”
Is this what popular hip hop has been degraded to? How? I can’t even bring myself to listen to it, or even understand why it is being made. I respect and like hop hop as an artistic style of music, but this just craps all over it.
This song is nothing but annoying, and makes me think that the future of the genre is in huge trouble. It really is too bad. Especially since hip hop apparently is the most listened to genre in the world right now.
Also, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that – and this just may be that I am whiter than a snow covered paper plate – some of the lyrics sound like they aren’t even words! Either that, or there is a completely new street slang language that only the brightest and most swaggiest of millennials can understand and spit like venom!?!
10. Bruno Mars – “24K Magic”
Okay so technically this was released in 2016, but it is so freakin annoying that it has to be on this list! Honestly, who wants to hear a 4 foot James Brown protege brag about his gold watches and oceans of cash? Not me. Am I missing something?
Bruno has a monstrous career and … oh wait who cares. This song sucks.
Shoooooot. That Starboy song was 2016 I think and it wasn’t actually on here, but Bruno’s was?!? How stupid am I? Wait, never mind, that song is more than annoying. It is unspeakable. Unworthy to make the list.
Liam Gallagher, LCD Soundsystem, Maroon 5, Post Malone, Harry Styles, Lorde, and that hideous worthless super annoying song about cake by the ocean that was released like 2 years ago but is absolutely so moronically bad that it needs a dishonorable mention!
Plus, LOTS MORE MUSIC GARBAGE! 🙂
…Well there ya go world. The best of the worst! Leave a comment why you hate or love this lovely rant! Remember, it is all in good clean – and disgustingly dirty – fun! Don’t throw your laptop through your window! It’s just bad music.
Love you all. Be safe and listen to real music!
This Canadian grew up in the great state of Montana, so naturally punk and hardcore music served as a proper soundtrack to his early life. Now living in the arctic tundra he enjoys vinyl collecting, bearding, Canadian brew and long walks on the beach he makes up in his mind.