Since writing for Bearded Gentlemen, I’d like to think I’ve not only grown as a writer but as a person. Throughout this evolution, I made an unofficial promise to myself not to write negative articles. Well, at least not just for the sake of it. As stated in my Where Are The Negative Reviews article, I have no issue with sharing my opinion as long as there is a worthy resolution. When I was notified Jeremy Erickson didn’t have the time to write up this year’s installment of Most Annoying Songs, I knew I wouldn’t do it justice. It wasn’t until I started assessing the worst songs myself, I realized every song on my countdown had something in common.
The Top Ten Most Annoying Songs of 2019 are driven entirely by narcissism and validation.
10. Weezer – “The End of The Game”
There was a time when hating Weezer was sort of a given. They gave us landmark albums early in their career only to become a shell of their former selves. But somewhere along the way hating on Weezer became a cliche. We all know Pinkerton was a fluke, but could a songwriter who gave us “Why Bother” and “Pink Triangle” really be responsible for something as bad as “The End of The Game”?
As the lead single from their upcoming record Van Weezer (an obvious nod to Van Halen), we’re supposed to believe Rivers and company are bringing back the self-aware rockage. Unfortunately, they already tried the same trick with 2002’s Maladroit. Where the lead single from that album, “Dope Nose”, was sort of fun, “The End of The Game” is tired, toothless, and weak. This track doesn’t live up to the album’s reference. Perhaps it should be called “Creepy Old White Dudes Playing An Even More Annoying Version of Stacy’s Mom-eezer”. After so many half-baked attempts of relevancy, I think it’s safe to say Weezer are the worst.
9. Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber – “I Don’t Care”
I haven’t listened to a lot of Ed Sheeran‘s music outside of the singles bashed over my head. But I have no problem with giving credit where credit is due. Sheeran knows how to craft a song to make the girls swoon. Not saying that’s an interesting ability seeing as playing songs with the intent of getting into someone’s pants is garbage human behavior, but he’s good at what he does. However, “I Don’t Care” doesn’t fit the criteria. Here he isn’t trying to get the girl to fall in love with his doe-eyed romanticism, he’s trying to convince us he’s isn’t elite.
On the surface, “I Don’t Care” is just that: surface.
I’m awkward. I don’t fit in. I’m a misfit.
All of which would probably carry more weight if Sheeran were those things. In reality, this is a multimillion-dollar production of the worst song with another multimillion-dollar artist trying to say they’re just like us. No Eddie, you’ve got Bono money and you’re hanging out with Bieber. You’re not like us.
8. Maroon 5 – “Memories”
I know it’s a bit of a stretch to complain about the musicianship of a band tailor-made for caucasian mini-van moms, but why isn’t anyone talking about the exhausting Pacabell’s Canon chord progression in pop music? While on the subject of rip-offs, is Adam Levine or the focus group who wrote this, trying to get sued by Bob Marley’s camp? Do they think we won’t notice all the ‘influence’ from “Woman No Cry”? I don’t want to break out a conversation about cultural appropriation (more on that later) but can all these pop artists stop doing the faux-Jamaican accent now? Thanks.
7. Pitbull – “3 To Tango”
If back in 2009 you were to say “Hey Coop, in 2019 you’ll be talking about Pit Bull on a year-end list”. I’d say “You’re crazy man. There’s no way on God’s Green Earth Pit Bull will still be making music in ten years!”. Well, here we are. The Latin dance beat, the sexual innuendos of a 15-year-old, and shuffling around like the old guy in the Six Flags commercials, everything you knew about Pit Bull a decade ago is still here. If this would’ve dropped in 2009 it would’ve been outdated and lame as a 50-year-old hitting on the 20 year-old-bar tender. Why is this still a thing?
6. Taylor Swift – “You Need To Calm Down”
Remember when Taylor Swift refused to talk about anything remotely political? Sure you do, it wasn’t that long ago! However, not being content with being one of the most successful artists in all of the music history, Swift wanted to reach out and secure the validation from a market that probably already liked her anyway: people who just so happen to be gay.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to be an ally for any particular group who are constantly being persecuted. Straight, rich, white people should use their platform to reach out and stand up for equality. But in order for that to work, said straight, rich, white person kinda sorta needs to be authentic. When “You Need To Calm Down” isn’t being an even more annoying version of Lorde’s “Royals”, it lumbers on fueling itself on the most self-important validation imaginable. The lyrics are basically 90% about herself with a few umbrella lines thrown in as an afterthought. I’m sorry Tay, but when someone says you make terrible music it’s not the same as being humiliated, beaten, and killed based on your sexual preference. You are the worst.
5. Marshmello featuring Kane Brown – “One Thing Right”
I don’t know much about Kane Brown other than he’s the first black artist to successfully chart in Country music in decades without coming from another genre. That in itself is monumental in a genre typically dominated by white artists. Unfortunately, Marshmello is the most generic record producer the industry has to offer. The thing with Marshmello is how he epitomizes why we should never glamorize producers as if they’re artists. A producer’s job is to bring out the best of the artists who hired them. With Marshmello he brings out the worst. Every collaboration sounds exactly the same.
What makes “One Thing Right” worse is that it’s Country. “Old Town Road” aside, Country music has to check off a few things in order for it to work. While it’s dope to think outside the box and push the envelope, singing with a manufactured drawl doesn’t automatically make it Country. On the other hand, larger than life synths and metallic beats don’t make it a dance song. “One Thing Right” ruins everything from both genres.
4. Ariana Grande – “Seven Rings”
As just about any authentic artists in the rap game could tell you, Hip-Hop is more than a genre. Even at it’s most materialistic the selling point of Hip-Hop lies within the struggles of life and how one is able to come out on top. When Biggie talked about rags to riches, we understood where he came from and what he became. When Grande brags about how much money she has, we already know she’s a former child star so it comes off gross and condescending.
Again, while trying my hardest to stay in my lane, I can’t help but feel at least a little cultural appropriation on Grande’s part. Despite being leaps and bounds better than Taylor Swift or Meghan Trainor’s attempt at rap, Grande never sounds authentic. It’s just a whiny rich kid pretending to be gangsta. Ariana Grande is an interesting artist who has the potential to be this generation’s Mariah Carey. That is if she knocks it off with this superficial trash.
3. Luke Bryan – “Knockin’ Boots”
I’m not the biggest fan of Country music. If it ain’t Merle or Waylon, odds are I’m not interested. But fortunately for those with lower standards, Country music is a big industry and one of the artists making big-bank is Luke Bryan. With the skinny jeans, square jaw, and good ol’ boy aesthetic, Bryan has been the genre’s golden child for a number of years. Part of his success is due in part for his knack of catering to both honkey-tonk moms and bro-douche-bros. Songs are catchy, full of sexual innuendo, and typically written in such a way, the lowest common denominator can enjoy them without thinking too much. But then there’s “Knockin’ Boots”, one of the worst Country songs I’ve ever heard.
Somewhere in the middle of sultry slow jam and bucktooth novelty, Bryan croons 3rd grade educated antidotes about sex in the least endearing way possible. Is this supposed to be cute or seductive? If the singer can’t tell the difference how can the listener? The ProTools harmonizer effect makes the guitar sound as if it’s laughing at the audience for listening. So what does that tell you? As a well-established artist who lives pretty comfortable by playing songs about getting busy, one would think Bryan would know what works. Instead, “Knockin’ Boots” is about a slurry hick who finally gets a woman drunk enough for cross-eyed intimacy but then doesn’t know what to do next.
2. Lewis Capaldi – “Someone You Loved”
No thanks to the aforementioned Ed Sheeran, it seems like every major label is out to find the next doofy white guy playing acoustic songs about not being good enough as their next big investment. “Someone You Loved” covers all those bases and then some. I’m not calling Capaldi doofy or insinuating a lack of talent, but the whole thing feels very cold and calculated. The first 200 times I heard this song this year, I assumed it was Sheeran. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is subjective and up to the listener. But for me, it’s just eye-rolling.
From the predictable arrangement to the paint-by-numbers over-singing, Capaldi feels like the worst insufferable chode who brings acoustic guitars to picnics, family gatherings, and church functions to convince mothers he is a worthy suitor for their daughters. Worst of all, self-depreciation is only tolerable when it’s dark or funny. Capaldi is neither.
1. Taylor Swift featuring Brendan Uri – “ME!”
By now you probably realize I’m not a fan of Taylor Swift, so let me clear the air. There’s a reason why Swift manages to be the force to be reckoned with in the music industry. One; she creates simple, easy ingestable music. And two: she knows how to market her product to a certain type of person. While there’s nothing wrong with knowing (and exploiting?) your core audience, just about everything Swift does could easily be used as a character study for narcissism. Every. Single. Song. Is. About. Herself. She’s the final boss of self-righteousness and this is the theme song.
Swift creates predicaments where it’s easy to paint her as a soul-eating succubus just so she can ‘clap back’ with a song, album, or tour painted as vengeance masked as empowerment. Every publicized relationship is a songwriting exercise. A cheerful pop album means the follow-up will be spiteful and angry. Which in turn, leads to another cheerful one to show she’s the same pop star you love to talk about. The whole bit is just exhausting and it just keeps feeding itself over and over. “ME!” is like eating an entire Marie Callender cherry pie, throwing it up and it eating it again.
Nothing she has ever done has been this narcissistic though. The title and God-awful chorus don’t beat around the bush, it unabashedly spells it out with an exclamation point.
Taylor Swift’s “Me!” isn’t a pop song, it’s a selfie.
This is what every song on this list has in common with each other; narcissism. Be it cultural appropriation, superficially detached, or just straight up unadulterated vanity. These ten songs represent what’s wrong in modern-day America. Social media has given us a platform to pat ourselves on the back for things we only did because we knew people were watching. It’s a megaphone for our opinions when whoever talks the loudest wins. It’s the epitome of self-victimizing when someone disagrees with you.
Despite 2019 being an amazing year for good music, the worst of mainstream represents some of the darkest aspects of human nature. I suppose there’s a reason why all these songs did well on the charts. After all, if we can only judge a tree by its fruits, we’re all rotten people who deserve rotten music.