I haven’t watched The Oscars in years. Last Sunday I remembered why. The most awful part isn’t the actual show, but the red carpet. Tinsel Town’s vapidness comes into play, and it plays hard. I miss Joan Rivers because at least she made the moments hilarious with her acerbic comments. Today’s hosts only want to ingratiate themselves with the “stars,” curtsying to their quirks and nonsense. Very few of those interviewed have something meaningful to say; there’s a reason why this majority needs words created by others to speak.
Before we dive into self-congratulatory waters, let’s get something out of the way: Why is The Bachelor still a thing? Another reason to run from regular TV is the gosh-darned commercials; streaming services call them ads, but it’s the same shite. Never mind all the “ads” for medication that clears your skin but makes you want to delete yourself; or the obnoxious peddling of luxury products; why do I have to suffer people testing multiple partners to find THE ONE? In any other circumstance, one human being “dating” several others at once is considered a bad person; how is this questionable behavior good TV? Deep breath. Phew, needed to get that one out of my system. Alrighty, back to our feature presentation.
The big totem, sorry, elephant in the room is Lily Gladstone’s nomination; not because she’s underserving, but due to the constant “first Native American nominee” jingling. Do we really need to still do the whole “first something or other” in 2024? The overcompensation happening here doesn’t correct the atrocities done to indigenous groups and other current minorities. These showy pats-on-the-backs fix/advance nothing.
THE FIRST RED FLAG OF THE OSCARS IS THE OPENING BIT WITH JIMMY KIMMEL AND MARGO ROBBIE (AS BARBIE) REPRISING THE BUS STOP SCENE– WITH KIMMEL AS THE RUDE OLD LADY. ROBBIE TELLS HIM HE’S BEAUTIFUL AND THE JOKE GETS EVEN WORSE THAN THE FIRST TIME WITH HIS RESPONSE. THE SCREEN FLOATS UPWARD AND THE CEREMONY FINALLY BEGINS.
Out comes Kimmel to present the 96th iteration of the show to the first of many (way too many actually) standing ovations… That should be another crimson banner, but remember the keyword of the night: self-congratulatory. Kimmel starts with tepid jokes, takes a dig at Madam Web (2024), and tops it all off questioning why Greta Gerwig isn’t nominated for Best Director. When those present applauded, he chastised them by pointing out they were the ones who didn’t put her in the run. Since this isn’t the first time that question arises, I’m gonna ask then; who should have been taken out of the run to put Greta? The woman, the foreigners, Scorsese, or Nolan? Greta made a movie about a doll and men looking like fools. What’s transcendental about it?
The ceremony continues with the first award of the night: Best Supporting Actress. Five “diverse” past winners take the stage to present the nominees. I remember when the previous year’s winner of the opposite sex presented the acting performance awards. The flowery comments were limited to a line or two about each person, and we were done. Now we must hear how every nominee is stunning and brave, or a unique trailblazer. No wonder this shite takes forever. Let’s add the fact that each presenter looks like the person they introduce… Here, I’m dreading that obnoxious trend of recent media that you need to look like someone to be able to relate to them; the whole thing feels gimmicky. Luckily the same thing (the lookalikeness) doesn’t happen on the other performance awards. The flowery babble still happens but less suspiciously.
THE LATE GUIDELINES OF THE OSCARS TO INSTALL DIVERSITY, EQUITY, AND INCLUSION COULDN’T RAISE THEIR UGLY HEADS ENOUGH THIS YEAR. THE IDEA THAT IT ISN’T ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE, BUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IS STARTING TO GRATE THE COMMON FOLK, WHO HAPPEN TO BE THE ONES PAYING TO WATCH WHAT LALA LAND PRODUCES. SEEMS LIKE WALLETS AREN’T JUST TALKING BACK BUT SCREAMING OUT.
Oh, yes, Da’Vine Joy Randolph wins the Best Supporting Actress. Her teary speech gets 3 stars. She mentions her publicist and for some reason that becomes the recurring joke of the night in other speeches.
Anya Taylor-Joy and Chris Hemsworth take the stage to present the animation awards. I’m here thinking these two could be a nice pairing for a movie; then I remembered they’re together in Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024). Not gonna talk about titles naming (or somehow referencing) characters that aren’t in the movie right this second; we’ll wait for the Goodies & Doodies of 2024 for that… The Boy and The Heron (2024) from Japan wins Best Animated Feature Film; that speech gets 5 stars because the hot presenters accept the statue on behalf of the absent winners. The Best Animated Short Film winner will be addressed with another group of films further down the road. You’ll get why when we get there.
We get another double-whammy with Octavia Spencer and Melissa McCarthy presenting the screenplay awards. These two proved what I mentioned at the beginning of this chronicle: there’s a reason why actors use other people’s words. Nevertheless, Anatomy of a Fall (2024) wins Best Original Screenplay. This speech from Justine Triet (also director of the movie) and Arthur Harari gets a compound 5 star for unadulterated French shenanigans.
THE ACADEMY HONORS OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT BY SCREENWRITERS FOR A SCREENPLAY ADAPTED FROM ANOTHER WORK, SUCH AS A PLAY OR NOVEL, FROM A GIVEN YEAR, AS DETERMINED BY THE ACADEMY’S VOTING MEMBERS. HERE WE GO.
Another red flag shows up when little snippets of the Adapted Screenplay nominees grace our screens. Mistress Gerwig happens to be nominated in this category. What exactly did she adapt here? ‘Cause the story of the doll ain’t a novel or a play or even a folk tale. Never mind. Guess what snippet of the movie we get. If your guess is America Ferrera’s woe is every woman monologue you won a bag of– whatever you like. We’ll send you a Walmart gift card.
Thankfully, American Fiction (2024) screenplay wins the award, and the acceptance speech gets unstoppable 5 stars. Winner Cord Jefferson’s brilliant request: use those 200 million budgets for multiple movies, not just one. Give people with actual talent opportunities.
We trudge along, and Billie Eilish comes out with her brother to sing one of the two nominated for Best Original Song from Barbie (2024). What in the 1910 school headmistress hell is that woman wearing? Geesh. Another standing ovation– for a song that teaches us nothing and tells us even less about anything.
Aesthetic awards are unleashed with speeches ranging from 2 to 4 stars. Nevertheless, the most notable thing of this block is John Cena’s 6’’1’ and wide as an industrial fridge frame in the buff. The whole shtick was to showcase the importance of costumes in movies. After the fact, alpha turds like Andrew Taint spoke of humiliation. Displaying such an amazing physique could never be humiliation– no matter the circumstance. #justsaying. Besides, this is effing Hollywood; behind-the-scenes pictures show his ass encased in one of those sexy-times in film contraptions.
THE MORE I WATCH; THE LESS I WANT TO BE HERE. I’M COMMITTED TO STAY UNTIL THE END, BUT IT KEEPS MAKING MY RESOLUTION WAVER AMID THE UNFUNNY JOKES AND THE ACCUMULATED ADVERTISING TIME SPENT WATCHING PEOPLE IN NEED OF MEDICATION HAVING THE BEST LIFE WHEN HEALTHY PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR EXCITING VACATIONS OR FAMILY GATHERINGS. IT’S TIRESOME.
The Rock and Bad Bunny take the stage to present the award for International Feature Film. The Zone of Interest (2024) from England and also nominated for Best Movie wins. Director Jonathan Glazer opens a sheet of paper, automatically putting his speech at one star; but then he starts talking against war, adding stars. The things he’s saying sound logical to me, but, as with everything, spawn controversy the next day in hell, I mean, social media.
Here’s where I’m going to bring two other winners of the night with war as their main theme. 20 Days in Mariupol (2024) wins the award for Documentary Feature Film. This Ukrainian documentary is a vivid report of the atrocities of war; directly from a group of journalists trapped in the title’s city at the beginning of the Russian invasion. In his acceptance speech, Mstyslav Chernov wishes he hadn’t won. He’d trade any recognition for all the lives that shouldn’t have been lost during the ongoing war. His stern demeanor and acrid words give me chills.
In stark contrast, WAR IS OVER! Inspired by the Music of John & Yoko (2024) won Best Animated Short earlier. A vanity project with more letters in its title than actual runtime. Neither Dave Mullins nor Brad Booker mentions war once in their one-star speech. For no particular reason, Sean Ono Lennon is also on stage. He’s been acting like a buffoon since the red carpet and tops it all off by asking the crowd to wish Yoko a happy Mother’s Day. His mommy issues could make him a great DC villain. And on we go.
RICH PEOPLE USING PEACE AND LOVE AS ACCESSORIES INSTEAD OF REASONS TO WORK TOWARD THE FUTURE IS NOT A UNIQUE SYMPTOM OF HOLLYWOOD. IT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE, AND I’M POSITIVE IT FLARED UP IN OTHER AWARD SHOWS. THE THING IS– I CAN ONLY CALL IT OUT AT THIS CEREMONY BECAUSE IT’S THE ONE STRANGLING MY NEURONS.
Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt come out to give a moment of appreciation to all stunt doubles. Why these two and not actors known for their stunt work is anyone’s guess. Probably, the Academy just wanted to put them together to have a cute back and forth about Barbenheimer. Which they have. And is decently funny. Moving on.
Ninety minutes in, Best Supporting Actor is finally up. Sam Rockwell, Tim Robbins, Ke Huy Quan, Christoph Waltz, and Mahershala Ali rock the stage, looking dapper as heck. Each introduces one of the nominees. Robbins slips “Oscar-winning performance” while giving kudos to a stone-faced Robert De Niro. There’s a collective internal gasp around the world. Does he know who won already? Nah. It was the other Robert. RDJ wins the award– with a double 5-star speech and the only truly deserved standing ovation of the night.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito come out to another standing ovation. They have a funny bit about how both were Batman villains then take digs at Michael Keaton; the camera zooms in on Keaton, who gives them a hilarious side-eye. The Twins (1988) stars give some technical awards. Godzilla Minus One (2024) wins its only nomination for Visual Effects. The 3 stars are more for the international messiness than the actual speech. Oppenheimer (2024) wins Film Editing, and the lady gives a 5-star speech; mainly for all the times the camera cuts to silver fox Nolan.
ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF THE OSCARS COMES FROM KATE MCKINNON THINKING THE JURASSIC PARK MOVIES ARE DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT DINOSAURS, BUT HER CO-PRESENTER, AMERICA FERRERA, QUICKLY DISABUSES HER OF THAT NOTION.
McKinnon turns to the crowd and incredulously asks. “Doctor Spielberg, sir. Is this true?” The famous director’s slow nod of confirmation is delicious. Then she asks if Jeff Goldblum is real. And we all know the answer to that. McKinnon proceeds to wonder to whom she had been sending her tasteful nudes since Goldblum is imaginary. We go back to Spielberg, who points at himself in shame. I laugh my ass off.
Zendaya gives Oppenheimer (2024) another award. A 1-star speech that moved up to 3 stars for shortness. Ramy Youssef and Issa Rae present the Best Live Action Short. Wes Anderson wins his first Oscar for The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar (2024) after seven previous nominations in different categories.
Here, I’m gonna give you a montage to shorten the effing runtime of this commentary/review. In no particular order, we get the song from that Cheetos movie. Somehow John Williams got Indi 5 nominated for an Oscar. Thank Beelzebub it didn’t win. Billie Eilish and her bro win best song. John Mulaney takes another dig at Madam Web (2024). Andrea Bocelli and his handsome son classy up a messy In Memoriam. Done.
Now to the highlight of the night! In a bejeweled hot pink suit, Ryan Gosling brings the house down as he sings “I’m just Ken.” We get like a hundred backup dancers in tuxedos; cut-outs of the original Barbie doll running around as props; Wolfgang Van Halen, Slash, and the song’s writer, Mark Ronson, are also on stage crushing it; everyone is on their feet, singing and dancing; manly love and comradery is spread all over the auditorium. The whole thing is less than five minutes, but these are the best fukken minutes of this excruciating show.
SOMEHOW, THE ENTIRETY OF THE OSCARS HAS BEEN PERMEATED BY A PINK MIASMA (CATEGORIZED AS RED FLAGS), AND MY FEAR GROWS THE DEEPER WE GET INTO THE CEREMONY. THE DOLL MOVIE AIN’T GETTING ALL THE Ws PEOPLE THINK IT SHOULD, AND I SMELL SHENANIGANS. IT’S GONNA GET THE BEST MOVIE AWARD. I’M SCARED.
Out come Nicolas Cage, Mathew McConaughey, Brendan Fraser, Ben Kingsley; and– Forest Whitaker, who my close captioning denominates Forest Whiskers… You know I’m using that name somewhere, somehow. Those five laud the other five: Jeffrey Wright. Bradley Cooper, Colman Domingo, Paul Giamatti, and Cillian Murphy. Fraser starts the praising, but it’s both Cage and McConaughey who bring their chaotic vibes to energize the moment. Murphy wins the award and gives a satisfying 5-star speech.
Steven Spielberg takes the stage to give the Director Award. We know who’s getting this one. There’s no doubt in my mind. Christopher Nolan wins his first Oscar after eight effing previous nominations. He thanks his wife, Emma Thomas for producing movies and children with him. It’s a 5-star speech for me as a whole.
Sally Field, Jennifer Lawrence, Michelle Yeoh, Charlize Theron, and Jessica Lange emerge to give the Best Actress Award. Contrary to the male presenters, these five bring nothing to the situation. Low energy and sheer obligation trickle on. I’ve seen sad clowns playing the kazoo with more enthusiasm. Nevertheless, Emma Stone won her second Oscar, dress malfunction notwithstanding, and she’s a joyful mess. I love the fact the Miss Gladstone looks truthfully happy to see Emma win. We know where, I mean, who’s gonna bitch about it, though.
All right, here comes the last one, baby. But before that, Kimmel takes the stage to read a tweet (or do we call those Xs now?) about the ceremony from a former president. Not wasting time on it, you can check it online.
THE LAST AWARD OF THE OSCARS COMES FROM THE SLEEP-WALKING HANDS OF AL PACINO. HE DOESN’T BOTHER INTRODUCING THE TEN NOMINEES. THE PRODUCTION TEAM AIN’T ALLOWED TO SHOW SNIPPETS OF THE FILMS. HE JUST GOES AND OPENS THE ENVELOPE.
Would there have been riots if Oppenheimer (2024) hadn’t won? We’ll never know. Those involved in the film come to the stage with a lot of golden statues in their hands. Emma Thomas thanks her husband, Director Nolan, and another bunch of people; Charles Roven does the same. The people with them make no whoops, zero funny faces, zilch high-fives. And so without any fuzz, the show ends. To shove the dagger deeper, the orchestra plays Dua Lipa’s “Dance the Night” as the credits roll. It’s evil and fantastic. Uranium and Plutonium obliterate the Sparkly Pink. Earth is finally starting to heal.
I have given stars to the speeches, but I’m going to conclude with a single middle finger to the overall ceremony. It should have gotten at least three; yet, “I’m just Ken” still plays in my head as I finish writing, and it helps.
