The power of group-think is nearly unstoppable. People have tried and failed to resist the unshakeable draw of institutional power for all of human existence. Breaking free from traditions and dogmas requires profound intestinal fortitude, especially when you don’t have any clue what’s on the other side. But do you know what’s even harder than disconnecting from an unhealthy organization that’s dominated your whole life? When you finally disconnect from those old beliefs on your own terms, no matter how much it hurts.
Which is why Loose of Earth by Kathleen Dorothy Blackburn absolutely sent me reeling.
Published on University of Texas Press, the book shares her life growing up as the oldest of five children in a fundamentalist evangelical Christian home from the late ‘80s through the ‘90s. Central to her tale is her father’s diagnosis of colon cancer when she was 12 years old. She conveys in excruciating detail of the deep theological concerns she faced on a daily basis as her college-educated parents refused chemotherapy and chose faith healing instead.
Teenaged Blackburn wracked her brain and her soul for answers, even though none ever appeared. She worried that she was the reason her dad didn’t get well. She struggled to make sense of her mother’s obvious scientific acumen when working with pets only to watch her scour the internet for homeopathic remedies and dietary regimens that could supposedly defeat cancer. As a classic “Daddy’s Girl,” it definitely didn’t help to watch her athletic, marathon-running father grow increasingly weaker. Eventually, she and her immediately younger sister had to help him with the toilet and bath if mom was at work.
“Do I not believe enough?” “Do I not have enough faith?”
“Have I sinned too much?” “Am I not praying enough?” “Is the medicine not working because I’m not fasting enough?” She asked these questions and more as her dad’s condition deteriorated. I also asked them as both my grandmother and my mother’s mentor died of cancer. And why did we put so much pressure on ourselves as mere kids? Because preachers and Sunday School teachers told us we could move mountains, heal the sick, and raise the dead like Jesus did. But it could only happen with the right amounts of faith, belief, and correct living,
Running counter to those details from the ‘90s are the discoveries Blackburn made as a grownup after leaving evangelical Christianity. It’s one thing to sincerely question the beliefs of your youth and evolve past them. She definitely wouldn’t be the first author to write about such themes. But it’s something entirely different to learn through diligent research that “forever chemicals” used by the U.S. military may have caused your father’s cancer. The even more painful twist flowing throughout Loose of Earth? Learning how the U.S. government covered up any possible connections between cancer victims and those chemicals. The potentially liable departments are still more interested in protecting contractors and profits than seeking any answers.
Through it all, Blackburn spoke warmly of her family.
She shared warm, tender memories running errands, riding bikes, and listening to music with her dad. Sibling conflicts made me wince and laugh in equal measure as she recounted arguments about snacks, chores, and home-school assignments. The sections where she talked about being the oldest child left in charge of her younger siblings yet not getting any respect from them rang true to my own experiences. But she also divulges the hurt her siblings still feel about these events.
I teared up reading the conversations she had with her mom when working on sick animals. A hard-edged mother at home, she enforced a strict diet and rigorous prayer life in hopes of healing her husband. A firm but loving veterinarian at the clinic, she spoke affectionately to pets and broke unwelcome news to pet owners. Somehow, her mom could reconcile her belief in science when it came to pets with her Christian belief that God would heal her sick husband. But she never told her kids how she bridged that philosophical divide.
I felt Loose of Earth in every single fiber of my being.
It had my guts tangled in knots, my emotions on edge, my brain boiling, and my limbs trembling. Kathleen Dorothy Blackburn created pain-drenched prose on these pages. Her words brought back painful, tearful memories from my childhood and adolescence – stuff that I thought was buried deep in my psyche. That is the power of a good story, especially when it’s a poignant memoir.