I don’t really believe in guilty pleasures. If you truly love something, you should feel perfectly entitled to show it off as a badge of honor. Unfortunately, whenever I speak to anyone of my love for the Eurovision Song Contest, I usually get the same negative reaction. A large portion of people, especially in the UK, just don’t care for the competition.
I admit that the disdain is valid at times. Over the years, the Eurovision Song Contest has been to be a hammy, schlocky cringe-fest. Other years, it’s an excuse for political partners and geographical neighbors to pat each other’s backs. You could bet your mortgage on which countries will receive the maximum points.
But on one glorious early May 2022 night, I believe we witnessed the greatest Eurovision Song Contest for many a year.
Unlike Lordi in 2006 and Conchita Wurst in 2014, we didn’t see a gimmick champion this year. Instead, truly memorable songs, fervent emotion, and political defiance defined the night. Due to Vladimir Putin being the world’s biggest c**t, the ESC banned Russia from participating. In a bit of poetic justice, the assembled countries and voters crowned Ukraine as champions.
Not everything was positive, as evidence of potential vote hacking surfaced. Thankfully, the ESC nipped that in the bud, allowing for remarkable voting from the jury and people at home. While the eventual winner was an almost foregone conclusion, the night still held plenty of surprises.
A TRIUMPHANT UKRAINE SENDS A BRAVE MESSAGE
When Kalush Orchestra stood on the Pala Olimpico stage in Turin, trophy hoisted proudly in the air, the world celebrated with them. Well, maybe not one country. Ukraine has endured so much over the last few months that any positive would be seen as astronomical. Most people can’t comprehend the magnitude of such a victory.
Kalush Orchestra’s winning entry was titled “Stefania”. Despite being selected before the turmoil in their country, “Stafania” has since taken on a deeper meaning. One particular line of the song roughly translates, “I’ll always find my way home, even if all roads are destroyed”.
Their winning points total of 631 stands as the 2nd highest in Eurovision history. At the close of the jury voting, Ukraine had only accrued 192 points, 91 behind United Kingdom’s Sam Ryder. But once the tension-riddled final tallies were revealed, Ukraine surged to 1st place after receiving a whopping 439 points from the public voting.
Regardless of how you feel about so-called “sympathy points,” it shouldn’t detract from the achievement. This proud moment delivered a glimmer of positivity during one of the darkest periods in Ukraine’s history.
UNITED KINGDOM STORMED TO 2ND PLACE
In many ways, this achievement was equally as remarkable. A year after James Newman’s feeble performance of “Embers” ended the night with a big, fat nil points, It’s almost inconceivable to imagine the UK recovering so quickly. As a nation, we’ve long been accused of not taking the Eurovision Song Contest as seriously as other countries, opting to enter lackluster performers or over-the-hill has-beens like Bonnie Tyler and Engelbert Humperdinck.
Since Jessica Garlick had finished 3rd in 2002, the UK has finished below 20th place a whopping 11 times, finishing dead last 5 times in that time span. Jade Ewen’s 5th place finish in 2009 papered over a few cracks, but historically, the UK has been a whipping boy for the last 20 years.
In 2022, everything was different. The UK selected Sam Ryder, already an extremely popular TikToker and talented vocalist, as its representative. Ryder came across not only as a humble dude but more importantly as a singer that could actually sing.
His song, “Space Man,” made the rounds on the airwaves during the weeks before the event. He became the bookie’s 2nd favorite to win on the night. Suddenly, Brits took the ESC seriously, and the country’s perception of the competition had changed.
Could we do the unthinkable and win the Eurovision Song Contest?
Although Ryder didn’t win, 2nd place is still a monumental achievement, and I’m sure, considering the circumstances, he won’t be too disappointed. In fact, the jury placed Ryder on top of the leaderboard with 283 points, ahead of the aforementioned fan favorite Ukraine. After the public vote, the UK ended the night with 466 points, a pretty big improvement on last year’s 0.
MIKA’S HALFTIME MEDLEY WAS AN ABSOLUTE JOY
Remember him?
When he first took the world by storm in 2007, he was known for his big, curly head of hair and flamboyant fashion sense. Selected to co-host in 2022 alongside Laura Pausini and Alessandro Cattelin, the public initially didn’t recognize Mike. But he launched into a brilliant medley of his hits, people remembered who he was.
During a tight 6-minute set, he rattled off “Grace Kelly,” “Love Today,” “Yo-Yo,” and “Happy Ending.” It proved to be one of the best Eurovision Song Contest halftime sets in recent years. Needless to say, it massively improved on Madonna’s bizarre performance in 2019.
RUSSIANS TRIED (UNSUCCESSFULLY) TO HACK THE VOTES
Presumably upset about their omission from the 2022 event, pro-Russian hackers attempted to thwart the voting during the semi-final and final rounds. Luckily, the Eurovision Song Contest’s cybersecurity division spotted these irregularities among juries in 6 countries and blocked their attempts.
During the final tally, the jury votes from Azerbaijan, Romania, Georgia, Montenegro, Poland, and San Marino came into question. A statistical tool called a “substitute aggregated result” replaced them – a calculation of results based on scores from other countries with similar voting records. Confusing yes, but no shenanigans tarnished the final votes to derail the enjoyable evening of music.
MIXED RESULTS FOR THE EUROVISION “BIG FIVE”
The Eurovision Big Five make the biggest financial contributions to the European Broadcasting Union (EBU): the United Kingdom, France, Spain, Italy, and Germany. Those countries receive automatic entry to the event’s grand final regardless of their previous year’s results. Some would say having to qualify via the semi-finals should have weeded out some of their terrible performances in recent years. But we’ll have that debate another time.
Needless to say, 2022 proved to be a wildly mixed bag of results for these five nations. The aforementioned UK finished in 2nd, and Spain’s Chanel ended the evening as a close 3rd. Last year’s winners, Italy, finished a very respectable 6th with Mahmood & Blanco. But France (Alvan & Ahez) and Germany (Malik Harris) occupied the bottom two places, huge disappointment.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think they were the worst songs of the night. With the Eurovision Song Contest’s well-documented political voting, it does make you wonder who those countries might have both pissed off in the last 12 months.
THE VOTE SYSTEM CONTINUES TO DIVIDE OPINION
The competition used a pretty robust voting system for several years. By night’s end, we would be taken to each voting nation, and scores would be given. Naturally, the country with the most points would be crowned the ESC champion.
The voting system changed significantly in 2016. Along with the public vote, a jury vote supplemented the score with a somewhat random amount of points being given to each entry. The new system caused controversy during its very first year when Australia would technically have won under the old voting process.
In 2022, wild differences separated the jury’s points and the public voting. Moldova’s Zdob si Zdub & Advahov Brothers only received 14 Jury votes but got a staggering 239 from the public – elevating them from 20th place to 7th.
Alternately, Australia’s Sheldon Riley (123) and Azerbaijan’s Nadir Rustamli (103) received decent jury scores but pitiful returns from the public – 2 & 3 respectively. Switzerland’s Marius Bear received 78 from the Jury and embarrassingly failed to get a single public voter point.
GIVE THAT WOLF A BANANA FINISHED 10TH
Of course, the Eurovision Song Contest needs at least one joke entry, and 2022 delivered.
Norway’s brilliantly named Subwoolfer proudly represented their country with a timeless rendition of “Give That Wolf a Banana.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Formed in 2021, Subwoofler performed in black suits, white shirts, and matching yellow wolf heads.
Clearly resonating with the public, the Norwegian duo received 146 tele-points. It gave them a grand total of 182 to finish at a very respectable 10th place. For what it’s worth, it is actually a good song. No shame at all in admitting that.