Hey, as of writing this, 2012 was 10 years ago. It feels kind of weird to even write that because it doesn’t seem right. It’s been a full decade since people hate-watched Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? Kids stayed up all hours of the night building fortresses on Minecraft while bro gamers yelled obscenities playing Call of Duty: Black Ops II. Multiplexes were filled to the brim as comic book movies reached pop-culture milestones with the release of Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises.
However, the music industry was experiencing one of those awkward transition years much like 1987 or 1998. Pop music was enthralled by EDM, rock music was all over car commercials, and streaming was on the rise. The viral smash like “Gangnam Style” was the first video to reach a billion hits on the same platform where you could put Kate Upton’s “Cat Daddy” video on a loop. YouTube not only became the unofficial answer to MTV but maybe even the music industry itself.
Before we get too nostalgic, 2012 really isn’t much different than today. Well, aside from political unrest, pandemics, and the inevitable flirtation of nuclear war, anyway.
We still have our videogames, comic-book movies, and nauseating obsession with reality TV celebrities. Sure, it’s cranked to 11 and driven by divisiveness, but it’s all fundamentally the same. Right? I really can’t say because I honestly don’t remember much about 2012. I mean, it’s not a total blank but I don’t really have the warm and fuzzy memories of ten-year anniversaries or fond memories of Gangnam Style or the WiiU! In fact, 2012 was a dark year for me. Not that it’s some sort of suppressed memory but more of a dream-like fog.
My Dad suddenly passed away in late October of the previous year at the age of 58 and it really hit me hard. I found myself taking over the family business sooner than originally planned and making all sorts of important decisions. I gained weight from emotional eating, pursued a relationship that would eventually turn toxic. But the predominant issue was fleeting mortality. I started re-evaluating all the surface things in my life that no longer felt important. You could call it growing up, depression, or whatever but it was a season with more lows than highs.
By the time the spring of 2012 came around, I remember trying to be positive and pulling myself up by my bootstraps.
Naturally, I was somewhat oblivious to what was popular on the charts or YouTube hits. This was before I was writing for a publication so I wasn’t exactly keeping my finger on the pulse of pop culture. Or even actively seeking out new music. This begs the question: have the hit songs of 2012 withstood the test of time? Are they even worth revisiting with or without nostalgia goggles? Let’s take a look at a few of these proverbial bops to see if I’m better off not remembering the weird little year that was 2012.
Pitbull – “Back In Time”
Did you know there was a Men In Black 3? I swear to you, I don’t remember seeing a single commercial, trailer, ad, or poster for this movie. Much less a soundtrack tie-in. Yeah, remember those? Another relic of a by-gone era. A big movie would come out and a major part of the promotional material was a soundtrack single. Most of the time it was a cheap cover or thrown-together fluff for the sake of a quick cash grab. In the case of “Back In Time”, it’s both. In the worse ways possible.
Apparently, the plot of Men In Black 3 sees Will Smith traveling to 1969 to stop an alien bad guy or something. Seeing that’s the case, why is the primary sample of Pitbull’s song “Love Is Strange” by Mickey & Sylvia? That song came out in 1956. I would make a joke about Pitbull not knowing how numbers work but in the middle of the song he screams out “NUMBER TWO!”. And that’s exactly what this song is. I didn’t know this song or movie even existed until the writing of this article. Now I just want to be visited by Agent K and Agent J to flash that illuminated tampon thing in my face and make me forget it for real.
Alex Clare – “Too Close”
Although it had been building up for a few years, 2012 saw Dub Step/EDM make its way into the mainstream. Dance music has always played a major role in pop. Well, technically it’s the same genre if you wanna split hairs and call pop an actual genre. But Alex Clare proved it could be pigeon-holed into any kind of song. In this case, an emotional breakup song? I don’t know about you but I’ve been through breakups (remember that toxic relationship I mentioned earlier?) and the last thing I wanted to do was dance.
Then again, the vocals from Black Keys and the sound of an 808 drum machine falling down a fire escape while Optimus Prime vomits, aren’t exactly the sound of a jolly good two-step. This song was everywhere but I think most of us remember it being used in those Microsoft 9 commercials. Is there anything that could permanently date a song like a PC operating system? I guess if it worked for The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” for Windows 95, why not Alex Clare. Wait. Whatever happened to Alex Clare anyway? Error 404.
Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe”
After a long winter and spring of depression, emptiness, and existential dread, I somehow agreed to go to Nashville with some of my friends for Memorial Day weekend in 2012. My band was going to play a thing and it was an opportunity to just cut loose and maybe at least try to have somewhat of a much-needed good time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. From the second I left my driveway, I just wanted to be back at home in bed. I absolutely love the friends and cousins I went with, but it was agonizing. Once in Nashville, every single car ride seemed to have a soundtrack. The populist phenomenon known as Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe”.
This song was EVERYWHERE. The steady beat, artificial synth strings, Jepen’s gosh-shucks-twee voice. So sugary, so sweet, “Call Me Maybe” was the most adorable pop you’ll ever hear. It also made me deathly sick.
Windows down, hot southern night air blowing along with blasting stereos, pacing endless streets of glaring neon. All the fellas with their girls, all the girls with their dudes. It was the epitome of summer and youth. Then there was me, a dead pixel of a human being. I know it’s not the song’s fault but when I hear it, I can’t think of anything else. There’s something visceral and sad about hearing an anthem about the euphoria of an innocent crush all the while wishing you were at home. Or dead.
Train – “Drive-By”/”50 Ways To Say Goodbye”
With radio hits like “Drops Of Jupiter” and “Calling All Angels”, the band Train used to make me sad. How could an act this bland make careers while hard-working artists are out there starving? Have you ever looked up the lyrics to “Ordinary” from the Spider-Man 2 soundtrack? Yeah, a human actually wrote that. Fortunately, they went away soon after that and I didn’t have to think about them anymore. Unfortunately, that hiatus was short-lived and they came back and sucked even harder than before. When I heard “Drive-By” the sadness behind the question of how? quickly turned into the angry question of why?.
What’s remarkable about a late-term comeback from the world’s lamest band is how they went from being boring into something so corny it can make you cringe out of your flesh and bone.
“Drive-By” and “50 Ways To Say Goodbye” are so mindless, I can’t believe they exist. First off, I had no idea these were two different songs. I heard them here and there. You know, gas stations, Target, wherever Top 40 stuff gets played. But They were so generic, my brain must’ve smashed them together. Going back to them now, it’s pretty easy to confuse them because they’re basically the same song. Well, one has a Mariachi band for some reason?
One is about falling in love after a one-night-stand (gross. the dude had to be like 50 in 2012) and the other is about making up stories about his ex died instead of telling his friends he was dumped. These aren’t even amusing scenarios to write any songs about, much less upbeat pop songs for the diet-rock market! In one of these songs, he utilizes 2-ply Hefty bag and do me in the same line right in the hook. I’m convinced anyone who likes these songs, doesn’t really like music. So yeah, Train wasn’t just forgettable, they were terrible.
The Lumineers – “Ho Hey”
If Pop music was taken over by EDM/Dub Step in 2012, indie rock became…well, whatever “Ho Hey” is by The Lumineers. Stomps on hardwood floors, janky mandolins or banjos, suspenders, and pork-pie hats, it’s what I called the age of cornhusker music. Be it Mumford & Suns, Of Monsters & Men, or Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, it was all really the same thing. Each one of them had some kind of cornpone anthem blasting from Starbucks or Iowa square dance.
I probably heard this song a million times in 2012 but I wouldn’t have known because as soon as I heard the sparkle of an Open-G tuned guitar and a bicycle horn voice, I change the channel. Still do, actually. It was right around this time people started calling indie a genre. Also around the same time, I’d peace out when I’d see a bucktooth white kid whip out an acoustic guitar. It’s hard to say who this style of music was marketed to, but I’m willing to bet they’re named Agatha, Dorothy, or Jedidiah. Whoever it was, it wasn’t for me.
Gotye F/Kimbra – “Somebody That I Used To Know”
Just like “Call Me Maybe”, you couldn’t turn on the radio or television without hearing “Somebody That I Used To Know”. And while I can say it was an interesting song to climb the pop charts, the over-exposure didn’t make it any less grating. You’d think the Sting-meets-Yes vocals would be off-putting to your average Pop listener. The melody makes me think of when you see characters sneaking around suspiciously in cartoons. I don’t even know who Kimbra is. I remember seeing memes of the video and thought it was Kary Perry or something. Apparently, every dark-haired singing white girl had bangs in 2012?
Lyrically, “Somebody That I Used To Know” is a dreary tale of a toxic relationship coming to an end. You know, fun pop songs in 2012!
But why was such a downer of a song with bizarre instrumentation such a hit? This song reached number one on the pop charts quite a few different times that year. The craziest thing about it is, the weird alternative-ness should’ve made “Somebody That I Used To Know” a song I could get down to. Coming back to it now, I’ve almost warmed up to it. But hearing it day in and day out just made me wish the mainstream’s strange obsession with it would just go away. Thankfully, it kinda did. After this song wore out its welcome, it’s rarely ever played anymore. I guess Gotye is just someone that we used to know…
Nicki Minaj – “Starships”
It’s loud, abrasive, and gaudy, but “Starships” isn’t really a culmination of Nicki Minaj’s popularity but a slight detour. From cartoonish antics to vitriolic bars, I can honestly say Minaj at that point, was an interesting artist. It may not have always been good but each release was… something. But “Starships” wasn’t some battle cry for a movement, it was just another generic EDM-flavored dance song among 100 others.
I could’ve really put about 50 other 2012 songs in this spot. From Kesha, Loreen, Chris Brown to even industry stalwarts like Jennifer Lopez, Rhianna, and Madonna. But Minaj was the first to pop up in my head.
The music industry was infatuated with dance music. Not just any dance music but that synth-heavy beat dropping, ear-piercing highs, subwoofer lows dance music found in clubs across the world decades before. Pop’s newfound acceptance of 90s euro-dance wasn’t archaic or played for self-awareness though, each artist was serious. I’ve never been a ‘club’ person but as a child of the 90s, I could get with plenty of electronica artists. But when all these pop stars tried it on, it felt boring and contrived.
Fun. – “We Are Young”
Just like the beginning of every decade, Rock music was in a weird identity crisis in 2012. You may not remember this but the aforementioned “Somebody That I Used To Know” from Gotye and “We Are Young” from Fun fought tooth and nail for the number 1 spot for a good part of the year. How could these two rock acts cross over into pop without actually being rock music? Seriously. Is there an actual guitar in either song? Of course, one doesn’t need a guitar to rock, you just need edge or charisma, or whatever. Regardless of the criteria, Fun has none of it.
These dudes came out of nowhere and were all over the place in 2012 and all the songs I heard were pretty much the same. A slow-motion music video, mumbling verses of word salad, followed by a slower tempo hook encouraging people to sing along. On paper, that’s fine but in reality, there were one of the most boring bands this side of a banjo or an offspring of Mumford. “We Are Young” is an anthem of reckless abandon, heavy drinking, and disregard for anything resembling responsibility. But for me, it was just another example of petty rich white kids refusing to grow up.
Kelly Clarkson – “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)”
It would be easy to tear into a former American Idol winner. But in all honesty, Kelly Clarkson did pretty well. She still makes music, has her own talk show, and is a judge on another singing competition. Despite not being my thing, “Since U Been Gone” was a banger of a pop-rock tune. Unfortunately, after that particular single, she has only been chasing that brand of paper. “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” is the worst element of superficial encouragement rolled into a song sounding like it was made for a Special K commercial.
Don’t get me wrong, encouragement can inspire you to keep going despite the odds, and even despite yourself. But in order for that to work, you kinda sorta have to believe it. Clarkson doesn’t.
I know the masses love a good breakup song, but we don’t even get to hear what happens in this story. Not to mention how contradictory she is. One minute she brags about moving on with someone new, but earlier in the song claims she prefers to sleep alone. Most importantly, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a terrible mantra. Sure it might sound good on a meme or as generic advice, but it’s just not true.
More often than not, what doesn’t kill you is just killing you slower. I remember hearing this song on the radio so much that year and thinking how much of a joke it was. I was in a deep, dark depression and wanted to die. Was it making me stronger? No. Did I survive? Sure, but it was no thanks to Kelly Clarkson or any pop song. I’ve said it a million times, but if you’re having mental distress, turning on the radio doesn’t always mean it’s gonna return the favor.
Van Halen – “Tattoo”
If there was a single release I do remember freaking out about, it was the mighty Van Halen‘s triumphant return with their first album in 13 years. A Different Kind of Truth not only signified the return of David Lee Roth at the mic but America’s favorite party band. If there was a band to help me put the blues away, it was Van Halen! For years there were hints and rumors the band had been working on new material but nothing substantial. I was hoping for larger-than-life fanfare. Fireworks, people holding hands, singing in harmony. Dogs and cats sharing the same food dish. A monumental tidal wave of peace and unity of Wyld Stallyns proportions.
Then I heard the lead single “Tattoo”. The first disappointing track of 2012.
Where was the fanfare? The fireworks? The unity? Where was the song I could stand on the highest mountain and say See!? I told you rock n roll would save us all! I told you Van Halen would do it!? I’m not saying it’s a bad song by any means. I like it quite a bit! “Tattoo” is a fun pop tune with all of Roth’s sly wit and Van Halen’s sorely-missed groove. But it certainly wasn’t the game-changer I had hoped for. In fact, every single other track on A Different Kind of Truth would’ve made for the better lead single.
It was almost deflating for me when “Tattoo” didn’t become the revolution I thought it would be. And there was no convincing anyone otherwise either. Not that popularity was ever important to me, but I felt like I betrayed myself. How did I let myself think my favorite band would become the world’s favorite band again? Why was it even important to begin with? I loved the album and I will always love Van Halen. Even if they’re my band and no one else’s. Maybe that was my story arch for 2012 all along?
With the lack of proper direction, focus, or arching theme, the mainstream music of 2012 was a hot mess of mix-matched confusion. Rock music sounded like banjo plucking country. Country sounded like over-produced Pop. And Pop was trying its hardest to be Dub-Step flavored EDM. If you’ve read anything I’ve written over the years, you already know I don’t care the least bit about genre labels. But it’s difficult to find something to listen to when what you’re listening to doesn’t know what it is.
But going back and checking out some of the music of 2012 I realize that the biggest issue I had is actually myself.
As I stated in the opening, I had some personal issues lingering throughout the year. And because of those issues, my opinions as slightly askew. I was sad, alone, and empty. I was depressed. There’s no other way to put it. I had all of these things spiraling out of control in my personal life and even though I had supportive friends and family, I maintained this image of someone on the mend. But as one does, I was lying to myself. I wasn’t okay. Fake it to make it? Maybe. Either way, I was trying really hard to hold it together.
So when I tear into all these Pop songs, it’s really more about me than it is about them. It’s pretty doubtful I would’ve enjoyed them anyway, but I think I would’ve warmed up to at least some of them if I could relate. Who knows. Who cares? At the end of the day, it’s probably not even healthy to define a year of one’s life by the songs you listened to, right? I should be looking back and saying, wow, I wish I could go back to a time when the politicians were just smug to each other instead of drawing a line in the sand!. And while that’s true in hindsight, 2012 was simpler times. I think I should also be mindful of the bigger picture. We’ve all been through a lot in the past 10 years, let’s go a little easier on ourselves.