The latest client on the Lyric Shrink’s couch, “Up From a Dream” by HAIM. If you’ve ever been so lost in thought you lost track of time or what you’ve been doing you’ve experienced dissociation. Maybe a tap on the shoulder, a sound, or a vibrating phone took you out of that dreamlike state and back to reality. In Up From a Dream Haim liken that dream state to the stage of a relationship where you’re unsure if it’s over or not. Are you dreaming of what it was and holding on to that or are you facing the reality of the situation?
Benign dissociation like daydreaming while bored or getting lost in a book is more of a function of intense focus rather than a sign of illness. But more serious forms of dissociation include memory or identity loss and are often indicative of trauma and related mental illness. We’re not dealing with anything that serious with Haim’s bass-heavy groove. But I think many of us can relate to having had that special someone we just couldn’t get over. They even haunted our dreams.
We see that feeling described in the “Up From A Dream” opening verse.
I was dreaming again, you were there with me
We were on the beach, running in the sea
You pointed to a sign, but in dreams, you can’t read
And in that moment, I snapped again
That rude awakening of realizing it’s over is enough to make you snap. The stage is set for our now daydreaming character to confront that feeling in the chorus.
Something you see wakes you up from the dream
Wanna go back to sleep, but now you’re up from the dream
Walk into the kitchen, pull the dishes from the sink
And you have changed in the blink of an eye
Can I trust reality? I was just feeling good until that dream ended? Can I go back to bed and bring that feeling back?
While lost in that train of thought you just cruise on autopilot to do your dishes. That act brings you back to the present. And the reality of the situation is life-changing. But how?
Awareness is often a major element of therapy. Are you aware of your thoughts, feelings, behaviors? Are you aware of how they all influence each other? Because the conventional wisdom goes, “if you pay close attention to things many times you identify ways to modify them.” But sometimes you can get so deep into reflecting. you’re distracted from the present moment. Or you can’t find a way to change them and you become threatened by them resulting in anxiousness or depression.
A good therapist will work with you on being mindful rather than ruminative. Recognizing when you are valuing your analysis over what you are doing at the moment is a powerful skill. It’s an antidote to the anxiety you feel and a way back to taking action over being stuck. It’s true even if we’re returning to the mundane task of doing the dishes.
Or even a seemingly harmless act of changing the channel.
Pretty baby
Innocently
Change the channel
On the TV
You know the trope in sitcoms where the loveable loser character loses his girl, his job, or a contest and he’s flipping through the channels only to hear something that reminds him of the loss? Or have you noticed after getting a new vehicle there are suddenly more people driving that car too? It’s a form of frequency illusion called the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. You don’t notice all these shows about relationships until yours isn’t going so well. So the channel surfing or YouTube rabbit hole you’re down to numb yourself from the problem doesn’t end up working long-term. Something will remind you of what you’re missing out on.
And that brings us to the next verse in “Up From A Dream”.
I could always dream
Could always leave, could always breathe
And still, picture you there by my side
I could always slip out the front door
Find my way home
Only to crawl into bed next to you
At the end of the night
Not all memories are bad. And really when we are reflecting on things years later they tend to come with more positive evaluations. There’s an interesting article at Psychology Today that goes a little deeper. You can check that out here.
But this is a music and entertainment website and we’ve all heard Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days”. So we know nostalgia comes with rose-colored glasses. I believe Haim is recognizing that stage where you’re over the break-up and are choosing to focus on the positive. But then there’s this odd final verse.
We were lying awake or so it seemed
Trying to figure out what was happening
Are we already up from the dream?
Or do we need to wake up again?
What if there was no break-up though? No mindless channel surfing depressive state, and no fond recollection of that regular Saturday late-night sex romp after hanging out with your friends. Oh, and for a nostalgic look back at late-night lovin’, read my article on “Night Moves”.
Anyhow, if these things didn’t happen then how can it feel as if they did? My theory is the couple alluded to in the last verse had a falling out.
They stayed up late hashing things out but fell asleep without resolution. Their dreams primed by the fight led them to believe these things happened. Going to sleep on an unresolved issue is a recipe for strange dreams. The same goes for unresolved trauma. Vivid dreams and nightmares often accompany a diagnosis of PTSD along with reliving events as if they’re actually happening. What we focus on is so powerful. It can take us back to traumatic memories or be fuel for nostalgia. Haim recognizes we can so intensely focus on someone we lose our sense of who we are and what we’re doing.
But if we catch ourselves leaving this present moment, we’re only that next round of dishes away from coming back.
For more information on HAIM, please visit haimtheband.com