Fifty years after the historic “moon landing”, most people fall into two camps. The first is comprised of idiots who think the moon landing was real. The second is comprised of even bigger idiots who think NASA faked the moon landing on a sound stage somewhere on Earth (or even worse, in some desert).
Neither are true, which begs the question, “What exactly is true, then?”
All in good time. You’ve waited fifty years to learn the truth behind the moon landing. You can wait a little longer while I build the case for the truth behind the big reveal. When you learn the truth at the end of this article that we actually landed on Jupiter, you’re going to believe it beyond any doubt.
Ah fuck.
Okay, I sort of messed up there and gave it all away before I intended to do it. I’m not great with computers, and don’t know how to delete any of that text. This really wouldn’t be a big deal except my editor is out to get me. I can’t imagine any reality where he doesn’t just keep all this text as is, purposefully making this article worse.
It’s his site, and yet he finds it more important to publicly embarrass me than to post high quality content that’s free of mistakes of any kind.
If I were to admit I come from one of those families where my fifteen siblings and I all kiss our mom and dad on the lips, even as adults, he wouldn’t delete that even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the article and even though I know it’s weird and I feel deep shame that I mouth-kiss my parents even though they keep begging my siblings and me to stop.
God fuck it! Why did I type that, too? What kind of stupid little shit am I? What’s wrong with me? I’m starting to believe something is deeply wrong with me where I want to be punished, whether it’s my editor or anyone else punishing me. I can’t say if it’s a sexual thing or some kind of deep-seeded self-hatred, but it’s pretty clear I’m harming myself on purpose here, right? I wish I were normal like anyone else.
Well, I guess now that I’ve totally fucked over myself, I should get on with this stupid fucking article. So yeah, we landed on Jupiter. Who fucking cares now that I’ve already admitted to mouth kissing my parents against their will? I mean, really. I know how the internet works. Everyone’s going to troll me for that highly embarrassing personal fact and ignore the fact that this article breaks open the biggest conspiracy of all time.
Whatever. Let’s get on with it, I guess. Fuck.
Not that you care at this point, but the technology didn’t exist in 1969 to fake any kind of space landing here on Earth.
As strange as it may sound, it was more difficult to fake the shadow patterns on a sound stage than it would have been to launch a ship into space and land on the moon or another planet. Not only that, but the often-criticized “flag waving” tell is anything but a sign of forgery. Anyone who has heard of gravity knows that if someone lets go of a flag, gravity will pull it down until it settles. That’s plainly what happens here. Plenty of articles have covered all this bullshit, and my biggest fear is that they will now include references to how I give my parents smooches right on their juicy lips, forever outing me as the parent-lip-kisser I am.
Yes, it’s pretty lame that history will invariably link the moon landing with my most closely guarded secret, but that’s not quite as lame as the special effects technology in 1969. It’s kind of hilarious, actually, that so many people think Stanley Kubrick directed the fake moon landing because those people are so damn close to hitting upon an actual Kubrick space conspiracy, but they veer away from what actually happened at the last second, much like how my parents attempt to veer away from my puckered lips so I won’t mouth-to-mouth kiss them, but in this case, they fail.
Look at the below clip from 2001: A Space Odyssey:
I hope you didn’t miss what was happening in that clip, especially not in the way I miss everyone having zero knowledge that these lips will always find their way to my parents’ reluctant lips and that my fifteen siblings also kiss them on the lips. Well, same as not having the technology to fake the lighting in outer space, we also did not have the technology to fake spaceships when 2001 came out in 1968. Weird how nobody has ever brought this up before now, but it’s true!
Computers were not powerful enough for CGI at the time, so filmmakers were unable to create realistic computer generated spaceships. That type of technology didn’t exist until 1991, which was twenty-three years after Kubrick’s space opus came to theaters. And while scientists had invented model airplanes, model water-based ships and model cars, scientists wouldn’t invent model spaceships until a decade later when George Lucas and a team of Argentinian scientists defied all the laws of God and man to create entire fleets of model ships for Star Wars: A New Hope.
Somehow, it’s gone completely unnoticed that Kubrick shot all the space scenes for his movie in outer space with real spaceships.
Maybe this shouldn’t be a surprise given that, after all these years, my parents don’t always notice the signs that I’m about to go in for one big smackero on their lips. Given how much they hate it when I kiss their lips, one would think they would always be on the lookout for my next wet love stamp, but I catch them off-guard much too often. People really aren’t as perceptive as one would think.
Yes, Kubrick and his crew launched several spaceships and filmed the entire movie on location. The man is known for preferring to film on location, so it stands to reason he would have refused to shoot the movie on Earth even if he had the technology to do so. If anything, this should have been the biggest tell that the space scenes in that movie took place in actual space.
I also have a tell, but it’s for when I’m about to go in for one of my patented lip kisses. I wink five times at the intended target, either my mom or dad, and then I go straight in for the bulls-eye. It’s really hard to miss.
But people miss a lot of shit. Think about the robot, H.A.L., in Kubrick’s film. By now it should be fairly common knowledge that, while it was possible to have an independently thinking artificial intelligence in 1968, it was impossible to teach an A.I. to learn scripted lines. Computers are unable to lie, and regardless of intent, acting is a lie. Us humans know the difference between actual lies and acting, just like my friends growing up kept telling me there was a big difference between kissing parents on the lips and kissing them on the cheek, but to a computer, there is no difference at all. Kissing is kissing to them, and they don’t care where a human kisses another human. To them, kissing is all the same, and to them any kind of lie is all the same. Computers don’t lie.
To get around this roadblock, Kubrick and his team had to pull a Truman Show on H.A.L., making it think it was really on an actual mission like the one in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
This wouldn’t have been possible on some sound stage on Earth. The computer wouldn’t have believed it, so if only for that reason (regardless of the other reasons I’ve outlined), this movie had to be shot in space.
Kubrick made a cover story that they were “shooting a documentary” to explain all the cameras and make it easier to film. And while the movie did have a loose script, the actors were asked to improvise for the sake of the film. That H.A.L. legitimately went insane was an excellent turn of events for the sake of the movie but rather unfortunate for the actors involved. My parents often tell us children that it’s unfortunate my fifteen siblings and I were ever born, mainly due to the fact that we are all aggressive mouth kissers, as I’ve mentioned previously in this article with great shame.
Okay, so it’s impossible to fake the moon landing on Earth.
I’ve established that, yes? You’re probably wondering how a parent-mouth-kisser like me can prove the moon landing was still faked but on Jupiter. And you’re probably wondering why.
The how is pretty easy. NASA sent some astronauts to Jupiter and it just looked like that. They filmed the whole thing and said it was the moon. Not much to it. Hell, for thirty-five years, I kissed my parents on the lips and then lied to most everyone, saying I kiss them passionately on the cheeks instead. When you aren’t a robot, lying is super fucking easy. I lie all the time, usually about the lip kissing thing but often about other stuff. Lying is great, and that’s what NASA did here.
Honestly, the why is a little more complicated but not by much. Most of what I’m about to say should be obvious, but so are a lot of things in life. Some of you assholes may say it should be obvious by now that I should stop kissing my parents on their plump, succulent lips. Or maybe that I should at least stop talking about it so much in this article. That now that the cat is out the of the bag, I’m doing that dumb thing where I can’t stop obsessing about it, the weight of the secret lifted from me like the lightness of a bag once the dead cat in it is removed. Sure, but we are all only human, meaning our decisions are imperfect at best.
The first time astronauts landed on Jupiter, they realized they forgot their camera on the dining room table at home.
NASA concluded this was a good thing as they had forgotten to tell everyone that they had given up going to the moon sometime around Apollo 6 because the moon was too boring and the goal of landing there was “too easily obtainable”. So big was their gaffe that they even forgot to change the mission title, although they may not have been able to do so for budgetary reasons anyway. They got approval, after all, for an Apollo mission – not a Jupiter mission.
Upon seeing how different Jupiter looked from what they expected, they made the decision to keep telling people they were going to the moon. Much like when I first told my wife I kiss my parents on the lips, NASA concluded people would simply not believe the truth that this was Jupiter and not the moon. My wife’s response to the kissing news was to laugh and say, “Good one, Kendon. As if.” This was the predicted reaction of all the citizens of Earth if, at the last minute, NASA told everyone this very moon-like object was actually Jupiter.
Coupling this assumption of the public’s reaction with the fear of losing funding if they told the truth, everyone just kept with the lie regarding heading to the moon. It was Neil Armstrong who came up with the idea to use a misdirection conspiracy to obscure the truth even further, and this was why NASA itself floated the rumor that Kubrick faked the moon landing on Earth. For his part, the film director received funding for all his future movies as payment for not making too big a stink about the lies. Beside, it suggested a film expertise beyond what was technologically possible at the time. It was a win-win.
I have also used this strategy in regard to kissing my parents’ lips. Every time I meet a new person, I tell that person I love having sex with my fifteen siblings. I then show them very convincing photoshopped pictures of my siblings and I having one, huge orgy. It’s a disgusting lie, I know, but it’s not nearly as disgusting as being that guy who kisses his mom and dad right on their food holes. Shit, I wish I wasn’t that guy, but I can’t help myself. When I see those meat flaps, I have to go right in for the kiss. Why am I so damn weird?
That’s really what the moon landing conspiracy comes down to.
NASA had a choice between floating a believable lie about a lie or telling an unbelievable truth that could have upended the entire space program like everyone knowing I French my parents has upended my life. And just like my lie about a sibling orgy, the moon landing lie is just barely strange enough that people end up debating whether the landing was real or faked on Earth rather than ever looking closely for the truth.
I really wish I never wrote this article. It hasn’t been worth it.