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Hi,
Do you ever have trouble falling asleep at night because you’re afraid a murder man will sneak into your house and chop you up into pieces smaller than the cells that make up your body?
Hi, my name is Kendon Luscher, and I used to be just like you. But hi, boy do I ever have a solution.
How many times has this happened to you?
You’re in bed, and the ghost of your brutally murdered spouse says, “Don’t worry. I’ll watch over you while you sleep. Nobody will ever harm you because I’ll scream if someone breaks into your house.” You fall asleep, assuming you’re safe but what do you know? All of a sudden, you’re waking up with half your body chopped up because ghost screams are incapable of jostling a living person awake.
Oh brother! It’s so hard these days to avoid the attacks of house-to-house ax murderers! Well, hi! You seem like you’re in the market for a solution, and I have the solution for you.
But first, consider this.
A lot of people have been putting their home security in the hands of ghost spouses who have already been chopped into billions of pieces or home alarm systems that call the police when there’s a break in. Ghost spouses can be unreliable. They can’t scream you awake and sometimes they get distracted or confused in their spectral state.
What can you even do?
Hi, let me tell you about home alarm systems, too. Did you know that home alarm systems only alert the police when someone opens a door or window or walks across a motion detecting field? Sounds great, I know, but these are even more unreliable than ghost spouses!
Consider this, a murder man comes to your house with his murder ax. He sees your door or window and laughs because in his hands is a murder ax. Shit, I already mentioned the murder ax before. Pretend I didn’t mention it that second time because it’s a bit redundant. So he has a murder ax, and he’s laughing because of the murder ax. Why? Hi, murder axes can also function as regular axes, and the murder man is axing right through your walls.
“But what about the motion detectors?” you ask because you’re a stupid fuck.
Glad you asked. Hi, axes also chop through motion detectors. If a murder man has already axed right through your wall, what makes you think he’ll see a motion detector and not ax through that as well? Next thing you know, he’s chopping you up while your ghost spouse is screaming and sobbing, “Not again! Not again! Why do murder men keep coming after us?”
Good question, ghost spouse. The reason this keeps happening is because murder men are all cops, trained to murder anything in sight. And they also are trained to break into houses looking for things to see so they can murder them. Which brings me to my next point that even if the security system alerts the police, all police are murder men who will chop you up while you sleep.
What to do?
Hi, my name is Kendon Luscher, and I want to tell you about an exciting new product. Are you tired of being chopped up in your sleep? Hi, I have a product for you! And it doesn’t involve relying on your ghost spouse.
But how does the product work?
Hi, I’m glad you asked. My product is made of genuine human gore from the crime scenes of people who didn’t protect myself with this product. It’s a bag full of 100% human blood and guts, and we can even match it to your blood type or, if you have any identical siblings or clones, your exact DNA. All you have to do is cover yourself in the human gore and let my product take the wheel for the rest of the night. You sleep. We’ve got this.
Picture this situation, which I’ll describe as follows:
You cover yourself with the gore from my product and say goodnight to your ghost spouse. You fall asleep. In the morning, you wake up feeling refreshed and not at all dead.
How did that happen?
Hi, let me tell you how my product works. While you were sleeping, a murder man chopped his way into your house with his murder ax and went up into your bedroom. So how are you still alive? Simple! When a murder man sees a bloody and gutsy person covered in human gore, he thinks, “Looks like someone already got this one!” and moves on to the next house.
Will the murder man kill your neighbors?
Yup. But that’s not your problem. Your problem is staying alive while murder men attempt to murder you while you sleep, and that’s a problem solved.
Well, hmmm… What is this amazing product called?
I haven’t thought of a name yet. Sorry!
“Hmmm, but what about children? Some people have children and don’t want them chopped up either. Also pets!” you ask.
Hi, glad you asked. My name is Kendon Luscher, and I want to introduce you to Human Bag of Gore Security For Kids! and Pet Bag of Gore Security For Pets! It’s the same as our product for adults, but it’s for kids and pets. So your little ones will be well protected.
Sounds great, but what does it cost?
You tell me. I don’t know what things cost. Would five dollars euro be too much? Let me know how much I should charge.
Human Bag of Gore Security – we’ve got you covered!
Please comment in the comments if you are interested. Hi, direct sales only.