The myth that 2025 would save cinema has been proven wrong in so many ways it’s not even funny. Frankly, it has been a shit show after another since the pandemic years. Yeah, we ain’t erasing that part of history; I still have family pictures wearing effing masks. #NeverForget Anyhoo, the cinematic mental decline continues, and, thus, we need to add a new category to the GOODIES & DOODIES TWENTY TWENTY-FIVE.
The WHATTHEFOOKIES are movies so stupid, doodie ain’t enough to address them. And for this, I’m hijacking inspiration from the Razzies. Prepare for the opinions of a non-straight, biracial, Latino loudmouth. Also, to be saddened, amazed, and confused by the amalgamation of shenanigans ahead of us. Swearing, made-up words, and rants on the horizon because 2025 was a messy bitch in and out of the cinema; adjust your settings accordingly.
LET’S EMBARK ON THE GOODIES & DOODIES BY WAY OF TOXIC FARTS.
DOODIES
LILO & STITCH
Who the fuck thought that the amazing, almost perfect, animated 2002 Lilo & Stitch needed a “live-action” remake? Yeah, this new piece of crap made a ton of money, but that doesn’t make it a good movie; not even a fooken decent one. Never mind the fecal matter spouted before the movie as “people” bitched about the cast’s skin color. Surely, “not being dark enough” was the real issue here. Wrong.
We’ve seen time and time again the same nonsense regarding so-called live-action movies. The studio takes a vibrant, visually and narratively compelling story and scratches not only its beauty but its morals. We end up with murky visuals and even murkier lessons or ethical messages.
In Lilo & Stitch, whichever idiot decided this was a good idea didn’t even have the wherewithal to understand what was important: two simple things: 1) the aliens, and 2) the family dynamics. One decent-looking alien in Stitch (93.78% of the time), while the others: pure ass nonstop. Let’s say the “well-known” actors playing humans took 25% of the alleged 100 million budget; whatever’s left, it’s still a lot of moola to work on those extraterrestrials.
Why whoever brainfarted this ugly concoction was so hell-bent on following the original beat-by-beat is anyone’s guess. And yet, they changed the villain, did a bi-fucking-generation* of Agent Cobra, added a nonsensical neighbor, and shortchanged hunky David. What was the point then?
Since there’s no questioning the poor choices for the aliens, let’s move to the humans. Sigh. That was beyond bad. OHANA morphs into half a roll of one-ply toilet paper, unable to wipe the tsunami of diarrhea conquering the island. We don’t need to move far– the writers’ slash studio choices were spoiled milk, sponsoring a snuff film.
AS GOODIES & DOODIES GO, BIG SISTER IS A SELFISH BYOTCH WHO ONLY HAS CUSTODY OF LILO BECAUSE THE PLOT DEMANDS IT.
Disney officially confirmed the live-action in 2018. If you had told us then that Lilo ends up living with a random neighbor, there would’ve been riots. And yet, here we are. At least this mess was shorter than most bullshit dumped on theaters nowadays.
This movie gets two middle fingers smeared in alien goo.
*Doctor Who reference.
AFTERBURN/IN THE LOST LANDS
Luckily, the one twofer on the list. We all like Dave Bautista; I’d even say he’s a way better actor than The Rock and John Cena. Still, the man should fire his agent because that fucker ain’t doing him any favors. 2025 had Big Dave between a heartburn, sorry, Afterburn, and a hard place, nope, In the Lost Lands. Which one is worse? That depends on your inclinations.
Afterburn presents us with a chaotic post-solar-flare world with Big B as the best treasure/bounty hunter left alive. A somewhat interesting setting that births nothing as it gets impregnated by a flaccid script and even more whisky-dick performances. To top off such a poorly arranged textual encounter: an intrusive Samuel L Jackson, cosplaying an African dictator in England; and whatever the fuck he was doing with his voice was more off-putting than his lisp in Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014).
DAVE BAUTISTA GETS A GOODIES & DOODIES RECOGNITION FOR STARRING IN TWO SHIT SHOWS AND A DECENT 30-SECOND CAMEO IN LIAM NEESON’S NAKED GUN.
BD’s mission? Retrieve the Mona Lisa and bring her to Jackson; the only believable situation here ’cause rich people’s priorities are always garbage. Barely decent action scenes and more red shirts than in the entire Kelvin timeline*. Oh, Olga Kurylenko is also there, channeling her Bond Girl stint but throwing grenades. She’s the love interest/reward at the end of the movie.
Fantasy should be a no-brainer. Sadly, the genre has become a “the fuck’s a brain?” according to Hollywood. In the Lost Lands starts with a shorter and yet stupider narration than the previous Bautista vehicle. We zoom right in on the bad guys being dumb as rocks. When are these writers going to learn that you don’t hang a dangerous witch; you chop her fucking head and be done with it.
Mommy Milla Jovovich is said dangerous-powerful combo witch who refuses no one. Not a sexual thing, though. She must help anyone with enough Co & Jones to buy a wish from her. The tyrant of the land’s wife engages the Milla Witch because she wants the power to become a shapeshifter. She in turns hires Bautista to be her guide to procure said power in the Lost Lands. Roll the fukken credits.
I’M A CERTIFIED TATTOO SLUT, BUT I HAVE TO GIVE MILLA JOVOVICH A GOODIES & DOODIES MASSIVE RASPBERRY FOR THOSE RIDICULOUS FACE TATTOOS IN THIS MOVIE.
The premise ain’t a bad one. I’d even call it interesting… It’s all the grime defacing it. Every dark, edgy cliché you can imagine is shoved into this “religion extremism is bad” post-apocalyptic sausage. The dialogue is ass, the characters’ choices/reasonings are poop, and the political intrigue is tiresome. One single restraint here: Baustista fucking every woman but Milla; even if they end up together, literally riding into the sunset, as the movie closes.
Writer/Director Paul WS Anderson (not to be confused with Paul Thomas Anderson) gives only decent visuals and shallow characters. I don’t think it’s even necessary to mention that the script is based on a short story by George RR Martin; that won’t help this mess.
Afterburn and In the Lost Land get a compounded “this feels like a bad video game adaptation” massive middle finger.
*Star Trek reference.
DEAD OF A UNICORN
Most people like Jenna Ortega. I really hope she stops accepting jobs as a moody teen; nevermind, she’ll still look as such for the next ten years or so. Nonetheless, it’s time to use those alleged acting chops for something else. Paul Rudd’s age is finally showing… we still love him, but this is another dude in urgent need of a new agent.
Dead of a Unicorn is nothing but a Walmart version of The Twisted Childhood Universe (known-characters public domain orgy). Horrid cannot begin to describe the CGI in whatever the fuck this is. Once again, the premise is decent, but the execution (aka the script, the acting, the tone): unabashed unicorn vomit.
FROM THE DELUGE OF BAD BOOK ADAPTATIONS SPAWNED THIS YEAR, D OF A UNI GETS THE GOODIES & DOODIES AWARD FOR BIGGEST UNINSPIRED MESS.
This thing doesn’t know if it wants to be comedy, horror, urban fantasy, thriller, or just the refuse of beasts. The tonal shifts give you whiplash while simultaneously keeping you in a catatonic state. If you’re gonna kill people, the way of deletion should escalate with each dispatch. You shouldn’t kill randos in the most disturbing ways and then just cut your main characters in half. Funny enough, the most disgusting people in the film get the least disgusting executions. So what’s the symbolism here?
Just because the owner of the former bird app is an idiot doesn’t mean all moneyed people are morons; most don’t make billions through arbitrary decisions, and yet 9 out of 10 rich people in movies are epic doofus. And not in the ha-ha way, but a literal mental deficiency. It’s a tired, overused trope that needs to go away.
This movie could have been a lot more if instead of conforming to current agendas, it had focused on character. Whoever wrote this bedpan doesn’t even understand the concepts used for the McGuffin. How can you be a pure-hearted maiden and be angry and resentful at the same time? That makes no fucking sense.
Four hoofed middle fingers and glowing horns through rears.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: THE FINAL RECKONING
Unnecessary long. Exhaustingly boring. Insufferably repetitive. You could see every single thing (never a twist, though) coming from a mile away. This is a 2020’s script; therefore, whenever someone was in danger, you already knew who’d save them. #IYKYK
THE FINAL RECKONING GETS THE GOODIES & DOODIES “FAST AND FURIOUS ADJACENT” AWARD FOR TURNING INTO A PARODY OF ITSELF AND KEEP RUNNING.
Not a single fucking thing in this movie was new or exciting. Well, nothing besides the fact that the cast was based on how fucking hot the character could be; truly, the only saving grace of this product. Funny enough, I revisited this pile of nonsense not long after watching the final season of Stranger Things; hilarious how with every plan in MI:(w)TF Reckoning I expected D&D figurines to come out as fucking visual aid. Even the dialog/infodumps were basically Netflix-coded for people who are watching a movie AND scrolling on their phones. We know the Duffer Bros didn’t have a script ready when they started filming that miscarriage of a season; if not, I’d say they just copied Ethan Hunt’s final outing (for now).
Fuck me– this movie is stupid. It takes 90 minutes to finally get to the McGuffin, with still an hour to go. Your AI villain is called THE ENTITY. Really? Couldn’t at least be playful and call it C.H.A.D (critical humanity advisory device or something)? Shitballs, call it DEITY! The auntyticklin’ key looks like a cross!!!!! C’mon!
Also, for some reason, Hunt can now see shit that happened in places where he isn’t/wasn’t; if that’s not enough, the humongous savior complex imposed on the character wrecks everything. Dude is the KEY, the CHOSEN ONE, the biggest, hardest, longest dick this side of the spy game. If Cruise were a man more secure of his sexuality, I’m positive they’d have made him bisexual if not fully mangobbler. Hey, dude ain’t a super soldier because Marvel ain’t doing no crossovers with MI. What a massive content joke.
THE GOODIES & DOODIES ALSO BESTOW THE “YOU NEED TO STOP ALREADY” AWARD ON TOM CRUISE’S LATEST VEHICLE.
I don’t wanna talk about this poopfest anymore. We can foresee at least two more stool samples from this franchise; Cruise has to prove he has more balls than Diesel. Nuclear middle fingers for every individual involved in this film up to the people who did the catering and cleaning.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU
What’s worse: opening narration or opening a movie recording a video? Whether on an ancient video recorder or a smartphone, video recording rubs me the wrong way. Then there’s “comedy” based on language barriers. Two strikes already. Of the forty-four movies I watched in 2025, of all the nonsensical plot lines, this fucker takes the cake. The previous movies on this side of the list come from the “and then” method of crapping a script; yet, this one reaches Chinese Foooood drive-thru* levels of fukkeri.
We have two plotlines here: one about surrogacy, the other about an anniversary vacation trip; these two so-called plots only intersect once in the most ridiculous way possible. Could this be a better film if the protagonists weren’t a same sex couple? Nope, the premise is stupid regardless of gender. Proof’s in the pudding: Date Night (2010), Game Night (2018), The Lovebirds (2020). So yeah, a supposed comedy of errors can fail regardless of crotch weapons. Still, a same sex couple could add a different flavor to the mix, and that’s why this sboringasbord of a film landed on the list.
THE LEADS IN THIS GOODIES & DOODIES ENTRANCE HAVE THE CHEMISTRY OF TRASH CANS FORGOTTEN CURBSIDE AFTER PICKUP DAY.
I only find Nick Kroll funny when he makes faces, and Andrew Rannells is a hit or miss for me; neither brings gayness nor charisma to their marriage. Adam Sandler and Kevin James have more sexual chemistry in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007). Neurotic clichés before we land in Italy, and unfunny murder mayhem once in the land of Michael Angelo. Plot armor is one thing, but facing no consequences for your stupid actions is a different level of lazy writing.
I’m gay, and I wouldn’t let gay people watch this movie. At least Bros (2022) had Luke Macfarlane to distract you from the shitty writing. Five dildo-shaped middle rainbow fingers.
*Dude, Where’s My Car reference.
Dischargeable Doodies mentions. Mickey 17 (capitalism via worms in space). Hurry up Tomorrow (dude needs to fucking stop). Honey Don’t (Chris Evans playing a douchebag– again). Materialists (dead flies in cobwebs have better chemistry). Superman (another half a billion joke). And Predator: Badlands (predator for vegans).
WHATTHEFOOKIES
The phrase short and sweet doesn’t work here; fast and harsh is the only way with these cinematic numbnuts. Most take their source materials and do despicable things with them, from using unmentionable bodily fluids to handwrite the scripts to turning beloved visuals into constipation nightmares. The others come from a Tinsel Town using media as vengeance instead of entertainment.
INTENTIONALLY EVOLVING WITH THE TIMES, THE GOODIES & DOODIES NEEDED THAT EXTRA OOMPH, AND THE WHATTHEFOOKIES WERE THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION.
THE ELECTRIC STATE
From the four men who brought you Avengers: Endgame and Infinity War… there’s nothing electric here; certainly not chemistry between Brown and Pratt. Not even my boy Stanley Tucci could save this garbage pile. Nevertheless, a statement was made: the Russo Bros need to go the fuck away.
SNOW WHITE
The dainty little girly from the 30s got a tan and grew to be a strong, independent woman. After removing the seven dwarves from the original’s title, they tried to do the same in the movie. Never mind the race-swap, the awful script, the nightmarish CGI, the poor acting; the biggest fumble here is thinking they can reinvent the wheel.
WAR OF THE WORLDS
The war here is against logic, good acting, and proper entertainment. I’ve seen TikToks better conceived than this alleged film. The extraterrestrial invasion ain’t a feature but an after-after-afterthought in this Zoom Call. Ice Cube serves a main course of aggro dad with a poorly cooked side dish of foolish behavior. Retirement parties for all involved.
TRON ARES
Some executive asshole read about Civet Coffee and thought they could do the same here. Alas, the end product is irredeemable poop with distracting pretty colors, but still undrinkable smelly shit. Another content mess usurping a known IP to project insecurities and grievances against the world. I wonder what Jared Leto did to go method for this one. Buy the soundtrack; forget the movie.
THE 2025 GOODIES & DOODIES GIVES JARED JOSEPH LETO A THIRTY SECONDS AWARD, HOPING HE FINALLY FUCK OFF TO MARS.
SECTION 31
Sci-fi at its worst. Mindless. Directionless. Unwatchable. And all that before you realize this has anything to do with Star Trek. This space dumpsterfukk doesn’t work even as parody. The humor is ass with fart visuals and musical skid marks. They told Michelle Yeoh, “act like an unhinged galactic goblin,” and mommy delivered.
G-20
Viola Davis checks many Hollywood boxes. “Action hero” IS NOT among those bloody boxes. She’s a great actress, but no amount of “acting” and stuntmen holding back can fool us. The obsession with writing US presidents as badasses should’ve reached its expiration date by Independence Day (1996). Mrs. Davis, the next person you need to punch is your agent.
GOODIES
K-POP DEMON HUNTERS
After basically a half-decade of Mary Sues cosplaying as girl-bosses, out of nowhere, the real deal shows up. Funny how it comes from a place where girls can still be feminine and like boys. Pair such an outlandish concept with catchy beats and immaculate visuals, and you’re in for a treat.
The plot is simple at first glance: a boy and a girl on opposite sides of a long-standing war. We’ve seen it many times. Nonetheless, this one is special thanks to the cultural background enriching the story. Even if tangentially, most people have heard of K-pop. Beyond the bubbly tunes and multicolored aesthetics, the film gives us a rich mythical lesson with its own historical context. Not the infodump of most Euro-centric fantasy, but a swift visual recounting, preparing us for the feast ahead.
GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING WHEN THEY’RE EXPERTLY SINGING AND SMASHING THE SUPERNATURAL, AND GOODIES & DOODIES GIVES THEM AN ENTHUSIASTIC SEAL OF APPROVAL.
I can blab about this movie for hours, and I already did a review, so I’m keeping it simple. Go watch this jewel if you haven’t (or again if you have) already. 20 demon-punching thumbs up.
FRANKENSTEIN
A son seeking the approval of his father is another tale as old as time. Here, Guillermo del Toro parallels the born-flesh and the made-flesh to rattle us as we watch. An unyielding father begets a brilliant mind only to torture it instead of nurturing it. The result? A man obsessed with one-upping that asshole– to the point of going against nature. Now, the “against nature” beat comes from conservative men of science of the time, not me; I’m from the “you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs” school of thought.
Procuring body parts through questionable methods and coveting your brother’s fiancée is enough fukkeri for a single lifetime. And yet, our good doctor Frankenstein still adds murder and arson to his résumé. Never mind that he succeeded in giving life to an assembled corpse, that ain’t enough. His asshole of a father’s ghost haunts him with impatience and unkindness, keeping his own cycle of bullshit alive and kicking.
Enter the aforementioned fiancée, seeing beauty through compassion for the reanimated matter; attach jealousy to the carousel of messiness Doctor Frankenstein keeps building. Are we supposed to root for this rotten monster-maker? Yes. This is a fucking tragedy. A lesson to stop inflicting on others the pain inflicted on us.
MY BOY OSCAR ISAAC CAN DO NO WRONG IN MY BOOK. THE GOODIES & DOODIES CONFERS THE “BEST EMBODIMENT OF DADDY ISSUES” AWARD FOR THIS PERFORMANCE.
Del Toro’s Frankenstein in not a monster saga. It’s the story of two sons abandoned by their fathers; about how the shit you do returns to bite your ass no matter how far you run. The mesmerizing visuals and stellar performances are just the cherry on top. A snow-covered battlefield of thumbs up. Check my full review here.
ZOOTOPIA TWO
We waited almost a decade for a sequel. And we got a fucking sequel. The last animal escapade ended with Sly Fox graduating from the Police Academy and being paired with Spunky Bunny. Said Bunny unleashed a million Furry awakenings, but that ain’t the topic at hand.
The conception of this movie is probably a desperate cash grab by House of Maus. Still, who in the anthropomorphic animal kingdom cares? The cash was grabbed in the best way possible with this one. We jump right back into the action as our fuzzy duo irons out the kinks of their work partnership. And, oh boy, that on itself is its own story.
I’ve heard complaining about the juvenile jokes, the repetitive references, and the cartoony characters… Well, duh, this is a film about animated animals doing absurdly human things; were these people expecting a Shakespearean tragedy? They have the awful live-action of The Lion King for that.
This one is supposed to be goofy and entertaining. It has a message that adults can catch, and kids will figure out later. No bonking you in the head with the themes or taking you by the hand to the finish line. There ain’t no ambiguous or relatable villains. Bad animals (well, people) are awful, and the movie ain’t trying to redeem them with tragic backstories or daddy/mommy issues. Any family drama in the movie comes from a recognizable place, probably very close to home for many.
ZOOTOPIA PART DEUX GETS THE GOODIES & DOODIES AWARD FOR BEST OPEN-ENDED MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
Some fussed about the characters’ lack of growth. That gaggle forgets that in the timeline of the story we’re barely out of Police Academy. So that decade for us is probably just months, if not weeks, for the Zootopia gang. Let’s hope we don’t need to wait another decade or for a Mousy financial crisis for a third installment. A colony of opposable toes and thumbs up.
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
Netflix may have puked a lot of garbage this year, but it still got three films on my top Goodies. And since good things come in threes, the third installment of the Knives Out franchise graces the list.
I don’t think the term A-lister still exists. So, let’s say 2025 gave us many movies stacked to the gills with known actors. But as we’ve seen lately, you can cast the best of the best and still produce poop. You need a good script and an even better director to make magic happen.
Daniel Craig’s Benoit Blanc may be inspired/pay homage to Hercule Poirot, but has become his own character without a doubt. Rian Johnson has created a terrific character without pandering or focusing on the wrong things. We see a human being, not just a thematic banner.
Greed, selfishness, narcissism, and ignorance always imbue the Knives Out movies. With Wake Up Dead Man, we encounter a new iteration of these maladies from an unexpected angle. The setting might be a Catholic church, but we know what religion does when twisted for nefarious purposes. It could have been any temple, and the core of the story would’ve remained the same.
GLEN CLOSE RECEIVES THE GOODIES & DOODIES AWARD FOR FUNNIEST JUMP SCARES OF 2025. SHE GOT ME EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Power corrupts; not everyone has the balls to handle it without getting smeared or blinded. And being religious/spiritual does not save you from being an ass. Such a façade probably exacerbates people’s assholery in the end. And this film serves many flavors of that funky tang.
Witty dialog. Amazing visuals. Compelling mystery. The through line that you can be good/decent without needing to be righteous shines steadily. It’s there for you to embrace it or reject it. Johnson ain’t screaming from the pulpit; he’s giving you the information to do with it as you please. Three Chimney Rock-in’ holy thumbs up.
NE ZHA 2
And speaking of threes, Ne Zha 2 is the third sequel on our list. As much as I avoided sequels in the past, 2025 came swinging with smashing continuations. Childhood trauma, societal injustice, identity crisis, and the weight of expectation abound in current cinema. What most films avoid lately is the power of choice, especially because with choice comes accountability. You cannot put the blame on someone else when the downfall was your decision.
In the first installment, we learned how Ne Zha came to be a demon child. It was someone else’s bullshit, but he had a choice: be what people feared or be a different being altogether. His final choice led us to this film. Now, external forces conspire to undo his resolution, pushing him to destructive limits. Ne Zha is no Disney princess; both parents are alive and loving him, giving him the support he needs to overcome the trials ahead.
THIS GOODIES & DOODIES FINALIST GETS THE CHOICE AWARD. EVEN THE EFFING EXTRAS GET TO CHOOSE IN THIS FILM, AND THAT IS POWERFUL.
Nevertheless, Ne Zha 2 is not a whine fest. We tackle Western media’s favorite dramatic beats in a way that only Chinese cinema can confront. Fortitude and Hope entwine with comedic beats and solemn moments of reflection. This ain’t today’s MCU, paralyzed with fear of serious moments without a gag to soften them. Here, we laugh, and we tear up. There’s no rushing to the next action scene; we stay in the dark moments enough to let them squeeze our hearts.
The film conjures animation to its full potential. Beautiful landscapes, epic battle scenes, intricate facial expressions: all to summon a visual feast. You don’t need to understand or be familiar with Chinese mythology to enjoy this movie. Family, friendship, courage, and honor are themes we all understand.
“Oh, I need the characters to look like me to be able to relate” is nothing but weak/narrow-minded crap. It’s time to wake the fuck up and learn to enjoy subtitles. All the thumbs up of a celestial army.
TWINLESS
In all honesty, I came to this movie for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you arrive for the (perceived) smut and stay for the (literal) emotions. According to Google, identical twins make up approximately 0.3% to 0.4% of the world population. That’s not only sharing a womb but having your exact replica coming to this plane of existence with you. Still, such duplication of genetic material doesn’t make both the same individual. Here’s where environment and nurturing, but also nature, can produce different outcomes. And that’s the exploration we encounter in Twinless through loss and betrayal.
THIS GOODIES & DOODIES SELECTION PRESENTS US A FUN HOUSE MIRROR OF EMOTIONS. SOMETIMES, THOSE DISTORTED IMAGES ARE THE KEY TO FINDING OUR TRUE SELF.
Dylan O’Brien (my reason to engage the film) joins a twinless support group, after– you guessed it, losing his twin. The characters there come and go, but play an important role throughout. Although one in particular becomes a de facto twin replacement for O’Brien. This unintended substitute allows our hero to embrace his dead brother’s homosexuality, the thing that kept them apart after its revelation.
Good intentions and the need for emotional support bring these two strangers together. Their friendship grows from tragedy until a third party inserts distress into their budding affection. And that makes all go to shit. There’s an unhinged mystery here, and the resolution comes from an unexpected place.
Intriguing visuals. Heart-wrenching beats. Human consequences. Filmmaker James Sweeney wrote, directed, and co-starred in a fantastic movie; he also gave us something to chew on for a while. Identical rainbow thumbs up for the win.
Honorable Goodies mentions. Sinners (Michael B. Jordan playing hot twins, yup!). Running Man (many didn’t like it, but I fukken did). Heads of State (a fun ride until Priyanka butted in on the Elba-Cena bromance). And Night of the Zoopocalypse (its wacky animation really did something for me).
And there you have it: the Goodies, the Doodies, and the Whatthefookies of 2025.
Cheers.
Check out previous Goodies & Doodies lists here.