Boring. Lazy. Overwritten. Incongruent. Those ain’t words that can describe Wolverine’s entrance to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. But is it epic? No. We were way more hyped than we needed to be. Deadpool & Wolverine is just a good movie. Yeah, I was expecting it to become my new favorite Deadpool movie. Nope. I rather watch Cable (Josh Brolin) smack the shit out of the Merc with a Mouth again. Gonna do my best to keep spoilers to a minimum, and don’t ruin the 141 cameos I counted. Nonetheless, I’m going to vent, probably rant, but certainly swear. You have been warned.
Deadpool (2016) has a joke about Mama June. Because I live where I live (USA if you didn’t know), and seen what I’ve seen, I get it. But it’s so specific (even to its own time) that it makes you chuckle the first time– never after that. Many jokes and quips in this new one feel the same; they’ll age like 3-day-old vomit on a New Orleans sidewalk.
AS A NORMIE, PERHAPS A LOT OF THE REFERENCES AND CAMEOS FLY OVER MY HEAD. DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE IS CLEARLY MADE FOR THE FANS, AND THAT IS A GOOD THING. THE REST OF US CAN ENJOY THE PARTY, BUT IT SOMEHOW FEELS LIKE A NEW LANGUAGE YOU UNDERSTAND BUT CANNOT FULLY GRASP.
Because the name Kevin Feige was constantly tossed around like a deflated pig skin, I went with my expectations low; not on the floor low but barely ankle-bite high. I’ve watched enough YouTube essays about him to know he’s not the luminary most assume he is. Ryan Reynolds did have control over the movie, but maybe he had too much control. Never a good thing; you always need someone the smack the shit, I mean, the excess out of you.
THE STORY
Let me state something from the beginning. Deadpool is out of his mask too much. He’s haunting. Like an avocado had angry sex with an even older avocado. Clearly not a Master Chief situation but obnoxious enough to bother me. I know he’d been sans mask in the previous movies, so don’t come for me. Perhaps, his interaction with civilians (instead of mutants or acquaintances) like that head is the most natural thing in the world turned me off. That’s some “Politically Correct” bullshit that has no business in this kind of movie. I needed at least one kid screaming, “What the fuck is that!?”
Anyhoo, the movie starts with our boy Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds, duh) walking through a snowy forest. He talks about Disney buying Fox, and other things to bring us up to speed. That brief info dump ends with a cardinal question, “How we gonna do this without dishonoring Logan’s memory?”
WHEN YOU BUY A TICKET FOR A MOVIE ENTITLED DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE, THE LAST THING IN YOUR MIND IS RESPECT, MUCH LESS HONOR. THUS DISHONORABLE DISRESPECT IS (MOSTLY) WHAT YOU GET.
The other two Deadpool movies have interesting opening credits. Not just because both happen within the context of awesome visual montages but because they were imaginative. No names but puns like “lucky moron who bypassed the casting couch” or “looks nice in spandex.” Now, remember that as much as everything is gonna feel/look very Fox-y, this shit is raining over the Marvel umbrella. Wait, no, the shit goes usually under the umbrella. What I’m saying is that Marvel sucks the fun out of everything, so no funny puns just normal names. Heh-heh. I’m here pondering what pun they’d have used for Lil’ Kevin…
We still got the awesome credits montage with our boy fighting a group of soldiers, though. Pieces of a recently dug skeleton are his weapons because he promised the soldiers he wouldn’t use his own. And man of his mouth that he is: decimation occurs (mostly) without using his swords. All this to NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” including its choreography while demolishing the soldiers. If this doesn’t get you pumped, you’re watching the wrong movie.
As per the Deadpool Accords of 80085, the brutal beginning reverts to the past to understand how we got there. After a basic “previously on” we arrive at a very specific date followed by a location title: Earth-616. Do you think I fucking know what that means? Well, I do, but that number means nothing to a lot of people out there. We’re faced with the first cameo: Happy. Ironman’s chauffer/bodyguard (and perhaps lover) is interviewing a time-traveling Deadpool who wants to be part of THE Avengers.
DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE BLUFFS ITS WAY TO DISBELIEF, IMPLYING THAT AN ALREADY MUTATED WADE WILSON WANTED TO BE AN AVENGER. THIS MAKES NO SENSE, BUT LET’S GO WITH IT FOR THE SAKE OF UNCONVINCINGLY DE-AGED HAPPY HOGAN.
I don’t believe in Easter, much less in its eggs, but this is a film brimming with them. Funny thing is, I’m not gonna find or even see all the eggs they gonna throw at me. Nonetheless, I swear on Deadpool’s red-clad cheeks I’ll crack those I get and make a disgusting frittata.
This also happens in, according to another title card, The Sacred Timeline. Do you think I fucking know what that means? Well, I do, but those three words mean fuck-all for a lot of randos out there; especially those who haven’t bother with the MSG (Marvel Streaming Garbage). The interview is a sneaky way to let us know things aren’t good between Wade and Vanessa. Why the fuck is this happening when his crazy matches her crazy? Who the fukken fuck knows? Let me stop focusing on the shit for a second. The interview is funny as fuck, and Wade dunks on Happy marvelously; he obviously doesn’t get the job because, at the end of the day, he ain’t no teacher’s pet.
Cue another location card: Earth 10005, followed by a time one: Six years later. A bunch of characters we already met converge to celebrate Wade’s Bday. The glaring exceptions are Domino (Zazie Beetz), Weasel (T.J. Miller), and probably Cable. Now, I’d wouldn’t mention Domino if Shatterstar (hunky Lewis Tan), who died in the previous movie wasn’t there to distract me.
IF REPLACING ONE OF THE BEST CHARACTERS OF THE PREVIOUS MOVIE (DOMINO) WITH A DEAD X-FORCE MEMBER IS DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE SUBTLE WAY OF INDICATING THIS ISN’T THE EARTH/TIMELINE WHERE THE PREVIOUS MOVIES HAPPENED, IT’S SO FUKKEN SUBTLE YOU’LL REALIZE IT LIKE 3 HOURS AFTER LEAVING THE THEATER.
Vanessa (Morena Baccarin) is there too, but just to dig the fucking dagger deeper; she’s even dating someone new! The first released trailer happens. TVA shows up, pegging joke, toupee snatch (sorry, “hair system”), Marvel Jesus joke. TVA’s recruiter, Mr. Paradox (Matthew Macfadyen) offers Wade the opportunity to join the Avengers; he can’t accept dressed like a divorced, alcoholic, retired bus driver, so to TVA’s haberdashery! The ensuing suit up vignette incorporates a lot of crotch-grabbing and ass-slapping, and I’m not mad about it.
Outfitted in red leather and a pair of adamantium katanas, Deadpool returns to graciously accept the offer. Here’s when we learn how/why the cookie crumbles. Logan-slash-Wolverine-slash-Hugh Jackman is the “anchor being” of this Deadpool’s universe/timeline; thus, his demise in Logan (2017) signals the perhaps slow but definitive erasure of that segment of the cosmos. Since we need a ticking bomb, Mr. Paradox has decided to hasten the deletion with a thingamabob of doom. Our protagonist can either fulfil his wish of being an Avenger or cease to exist alongside his loved ones.
Deadpool does what Deadpool does: be a fucking contrarian. He steals Paradox universe-jumping gadget and embarks on a compilation of fuckery and shenanigans to find a replacement Wolverine. We return to complete the opening fight. What follows after that is a 3-minute sequence that left my whole theater glad we wore white pants. It’s the first fangasm– and won’t be the last.
THE “ANCHOR BEING” CONCEPT IS ANOTHER CORPORATE ATTEMPT TO PUT LIPSTICK ON A MARVEL CINEMATOGRAPHIC PIG. NARCISSISTS CREATING A BEING THAT IS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE? NO WAY. DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE DOES IT (MOSTLY) BETTER THAN OTHERS, BUT IT’S STILL A TIRED TROPE.
Poolboy finally meets his co-protagonist aka the shittiest Wolverine. He takes the drunk, hairy mofo back to TVA after suiting him up in the iconic blue and yellow outfit. I bet there was a lot of crotch-grabbing and ass-slapping there too. Alas, you cannot replace an “anchor being” with another. Insults fly back and forth. Deadpool is about to enter his Karen era, wanting to speak with a manager, only to get deleted alongside Shit Wolverine. Remember planet Sakaar in Thor: Ragnarok (2017)? Well, our colorful duo is sent to its Mad Max version– a place where trash goes to be forgotten. We’re at the first quarter mark of the film. There’s still a ticking bomb, a prison break, and a fuckton of cameos to get to.
THE PETER IN THE ROOM
I encourage you to watch this movie because we need more entertainment like this. Dumb, fun, messageless, gory, not-really-family-friendly, and aimed at discerning adults who like comic book superheroes. That being said, its creators are too hell-bent on keeping it away from all the bullshit smearing most movies since Avengers: Endgame (2019). They went so far as to remove (mostly) all of the non-forced diversity/inclusion the franchise rightfully had. I’m pretty sure they kept Blind Al (Leslie Uggams) because her absence would’ve resulted in fallout riots.
Even if we’re focused on the interactions between Wade and Logan, turning beloved characters into background extras is fucked up. This feels even more gimmicky than all the Fox-induced cameos flaring throughout the runtime. It’s so Marvel to nostalgia-tease the fuck out of us, key-jangling what we like but not giving it to us. Those effing assholes!
DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE DID MY BOY DOPINDER (KARAN SONI) WRONG SO HARD THE WHOLE MOVIE WALKED FUNNY FOR A MONTH. EVERY DEADPOOL SHOULD HAVE A DOPINDER NOT A PETER, AND I’M READY TO DIE ON THAT HILL.
Now, I realized that nugget of anti-bullshit-matter after the fact. Still, I bring it here because, in hindsight, one sees how it subtly permeates the story. The two villains, yes we have two of those, are way too cartoony to be taken seriously. It’s that Marvel-y miasma mingling with Deadpool/Reynolds joke-y haze forging the creation of an almost golden-age Pixar movie; to entertain while hitting you in the feels, but botching it with an excess of shenanigans.
The Trash Place is where we’re going to encounter most of the cameos. Is it a plane, a universe, a timeline? Who fucking cares? We get there just to smash together all the action figures we bought when the X-men belonged to Fox. And, as kids playing with their favorites toys, it’s a great time. We get digs at studios, producers, actors, characters, one insane cameo bait-and-switch, and absurdly cool fights.
Our second villain, Cassandra Nova (Emma Corrin) is a bald byotch with creepy powers that would be at home in any Sam Raimi movie. She’s delightfully evil and should have stayed just a psychopath from Hell. But someone spiked the writers’ margaritas with Marvel, and they couldn’t stick the landing. I mean, they didn’t break their ankles like the writers of The Marvels (2023); nevertheless, what they did to my bald girl was shit. In my not so humble opinion, it should have been either Paradox or Cassandra, never both.
But what you gonna do when you’re doing your gosh darn best to not check boxes? Run in the opposite direction until you smash your stupid face with unnecessary bad choices, of course.
WHY DID DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE NEED AN AGENCY CONCOCTED IN A STREAMING SHOW, WHEN SEVERAL FILMS HAVE PERFECTLY PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR THEIR ENCOUNTER? IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, SHARE THEM WITH THE CLASS IN THE COMMENT SECTION DOWN BELOW.
THE TRUTH
The problem with “multiverse” shenanigans is false advertisement/impression. People (mostly) think Marvel can simply bring another version of a character and undo the past. From the beginning, staying in a universe/timeline other than your original means destruction. Each new update of the concept adds new catastrophic repercussions, up to but not limited to universe/timeline collapse. But because the whole thing is so convoluted/ill-defined no one knows what’s truly possible. Well, anything is possible using your imagination, but logic is a thing that used to fuck with human brains; sadly, not so much nowadays.
Contrary to studio executives’ beliefs, the multiverse is not panacea but dangerous disease. A disease that erases creativity and multiplies: predictability, stagnation, and imitation. Nothing is sacred when you don’t have the ability to recognize its merits. Hollywood uncreative assholes are nothing but cannibals gorging on the once beautiful carcasses of things they’ve killed.
About 48 hours after watching the movie, I still unable to categorize my feelings about it. Maybe going on a first date and be like “it was nice.” I’m talking a date with your crush not some rando from a dating app. You’re pumped to finally spend time with that person, but there are no fireworks, no wanting to jump their bones. A second date might happen, but you probably stay in the sweaty work clothes you wore that day. No maximum effort at all.
INTERESTINGLY, DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE DOESN’T USE THE TERM “VARIANT, WHICH IS THE LABEL TVA GIVES TO THE ROGUE ALTERNATES OF INDIVIDUAL BEINGS. YET, PARADOX’S ORIGINAL INTENTION WAS TO BRING A VARIANT OF DEADPOOL TO THE SACRED TIMELINE. PLOT HOLE MUCH?
Months of edging, waiting to sploosh all over a new Deadpool instalment; add a massive dose of Wolverine to thicken the cream, and you have an explosive brew. After the fact, I’m not just drained but bereft, almost desolated. Is it wrong to focus so much on something? Could it be a mistake to give a thing too much power because you enjoyed what came before?
This film is a love letter to a period when superheroes remained flawed humans; because who needs perfection when we can have fun. And I encourage you to vote with your wallet. Go watch those assholes pummel each other and a bunch of interfering assholes. The experience is truly enhanced if you share it with people also wanting to enjoy non-preachy movies again.
Zero regrets– even if a couple of days later you gonna feel dirty and promise you won’t do it again; which is the important part. The no regrets, not the promise, in case you’re confused. I’m immature enough to give the film 6.9 out of 10.
Happy Educated Wishes, y’all.
Deadpool & Wolverine is currently in theaters.
