I didn’t go to watch Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire expecting to do a review. Got the ticket as a gift, so expectations did not exist. That money could have been spent on beer and pizza, but me and my wacky friends, right? Get ready for raging words, technical words, and NSFW words. And, of course, spoilers. You’ve been warmed, sorry, warned. Shit barely got frozen, so you don’t need a coat for this ride.
IDENTITY CRISIS
This film wears its themes like an SNL sketch about someone with multiple personalities; it changes every five minutes, leaving you confused and annoyed. Is it a coming-of-age story or an exploration of maturity? Does it wonder about life after retirement or our purpose in life? Paranormal drama or Supernatural comedy? What is this movie trying to be? True, there’s nothing new under the sun, but do we need to have movie déjà vu every other scene? I felt like that DiCaprio meme pointing at the screen the whole time.
FROZEN EMPIRE CONTINUES THE LIES OF THE WHOLE GHOSTBUSTERS FRANCHISE: GHOSTS ARE THE MANIFESTATION OF HUMAN SOULS, AND 80% OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE CATCH IS NEVER HUMAN. NOT ALL SUPERNATURAL THINGS ARE THE SAME, YET THESE MOVIES BUNCH EVERYTHING TOGETHER LIKE WORDS DO NOT HAVE MEANINGS FOR A REASON.
The movie starts with a quote that gave me PTSD. “Some say the world will end in fire…” And they use this Robert Frost poem as wrongly as The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) did. Using a known poem (without grasping its subtext) doesn’t guarantee success; you can’t simply insert it in your own stuff and believe it is a home run. Moving on.
That frightening moment leads us to 1904 NYC. We see a horse-drawn fire engine leave the future Ghostbusters HQ in a rush. Bearded, turn-of-the-century firefighters plow into a majestic building to end facing smoking doors. Wafting fumes pull inward as if they are sentient beings escaping from the newcomers. The apparent leader of the heroes touches the door. Duh, that’s what you do to check how fucking hot something is. He gets frostbitten instead of burnt, though, and axes swing. The scene inside is a gelid nightmare.
Snow and ice spikes cover every surface; those inside are now frozen sculptures, their features marked by terror. One firefighter touches a hand extended in a horrific plea for help, and the whole body disintegrates. All frozen bodies crumble, but one remains intact. This one is covered by what looks like ancient metal armor. As the heroes get closer, their eyes open and stare. The camera zooms in inside the orb covered with runic markings the mysterious figure holds. Flaming eye-like lights emerge from within.
We jump to today’s New York. The Spenglers (mom, daughter, son) and Paul Rudd chase a sewer dragon ghost through congested streets. Notice I didn’t mention anyone’s name; they don’t matter ‘cause these ain’t characters but archetypes in the most cliché way possible. Son’s now 18 but mommy doesn’t let him be an adult. Daughter’s smart, but they think she’s fragile. Paul Rudd dons his charming self-deprecating persona and wins our hearts, but that still ain’t enough to save this boring product. I actually like the mom, but not gonna bother Googling her name.
FROZEN EMPIRE SUFFERS FROM THE OBNOXIOUS TREND OF PARENTS NOT ACTING AS SUCH BUT AS CALIFORNIA-ASSIGNED GUARDIANS. WHAT’S WITH THESE MOUTHY UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN, WHO STILL LIVE UNDER THEIR PARENTS’ ROOF BUT THINK THEY HAVE THE WORLD FIGURED OUT? IT’S A HUGE TURN-OFF, AND ALSO LAZY EFFING WRITING.
We get to see some interesting technical advances to enhance the ghostbusting in this scene; nevertheless, these improvements are undermined by the siblings overusing their first-world teenagers’ entitlement. Both yammer using quirky jabs at the parental units, but everything splats like pigeon poop on asphalt. Long story short, they catch the spectral beast with all the funny city destruction that success implies.
Now, because we need conflict and these writers are unqualified, we get a shot of nostalgia. Memberberry that insipid inspector against the Busters in the first movie? He’s the current mayor of New York, and he still hates them! Oh no! Bad awful man puts Ghostbuster Daughter on the bench because she’s a minor; he labels the situation “child endangerment.”
Why exactly taking a (for all legal purposes) child out of a dangerous situation a bad thing? Her age is barely one of those numbers that end in “teen.” Fuck that, though. She’s a girl in a 2024 movie– so she can do everything; including but not limited to falling in love with a girl ghost. We’ll get there. Trust me. We. Gonna. Get. There. Writers’ un-qualification, I rebuke you in the name of, I don’t know, Shakespeare? Whatever.
FROZEN STRANGER EMPIRE THINGS DILEMMA
Meanwhile, in another part of the Acid Apple, Kumail Nanjiani shows up with a box full of goodies. The exact purpose of Dan Aykroyd’s shop eludes me; esoteric pawn shop, corky cabinet of mysteries, just somewhere to do shit because the writers couldn’t think of anything else? Aykroyd buys objects imbued with strange phenomena; also does a video blog (?) with that kid Podcast from the previous movie.
Let’s take a moment to do a bit of math here. We mentioned the Spenglers, Paul Rudd, the Mayor, Nanjiani, Aykroyd, Podcast, and Ghost Girl. That’s nine characters so far. Wait until we add, the remaining original Ghostbusters; the lady who answered the phones back then; Son’s love interest in the previous movie; and a new scientist lackey; and I feel like I’m missing at least two randos populating this thing. Explain to me the need for all these fukken people. Why are the extra kids from (what was it, Afterlife) here? Oh, these master script-smiths come with bullshit reasons for them to be in NYC; still, they do fuck-all and are in the way.
These luminaries of creativity needed to choose a group: either the Old Guard or the New Bloods, never both. I get they couldn’t think straight with all that blood going down to their nostalgia-boners in the last entry; nonetheless, focusing on, let’s say five characters, would have made this mess, decent. Not great or good, just decent because beyond the overflow of people, the story doesn’t have much to tell.
ANOTHER PRODUCT WITH A DARK ENTITY TRAPPED IN SOME KIND OF MYSTICAL PRISON BUT STILL ABLE TO CONTROL EXTERNAL SITUATIONS TO BREAK FREE. FROZEN EMPIRE IS THE LATEST FILM NOT SMART ENOUGH TO KEEP ITS MONSTER IN CHECK WITHOUT RESORTING TO ILLOGICAL CLICHÉS. BORING.
I think we learned in the last movie that Ernie Hudson (one of the original Ghostbusters) is a millionaire now. Because the plot demands it, he has created a research facility for the supernatural. Does he inform the current Ghostbusters of that development? Nah. Why would he? He only mentions it when the spectral septic tank containing all the shit they’ve caught through the years shows signs of damage. Cue Sterling Archer, “Oh, well. Isn’t that convenient” meme here.
One of the goodies in Nanjaini’s box (tee hee) is that orb we saw at the beginning of the movie. This MacGuffin is a wasted opportunity. The lore surrounding its existence plus Nanjaini’s lineage part in it could have been interesting if it made sense; or wasn’t something we’re seeing for the umpteenth time. You want me to believe a hardcore South Asian grandmother died without training a relative to continue the familial duty? Have any of these people watched a Bollywood movie ever? Also, Nanjaini is entering Awkwafina territory of being cast on everything because “diversity,” without bringing anything special to the project. Both are nice to look at, but getting more boring and unlikable by the second.
SOME ACCUSE FROZEN EMPIRE OF QUEERBAITING, BUT DID IT? ARE THOSE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT ISN’T REALLY THERE BECAUSE THEY NEED SOMETHING TO BITCH ABOUT? NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO TURN INTO A ROMANTIC SITUATION BETWEEN TWO INDIVIDUALS. I DON’T SEE THEM ASKING FOR SOME ORIGINAL GHOSTBUSTERS TO HAVE A DUDE-ON-DUDE RELATIONSHIP. ARE THEY AGEISTS?
The jarring claxon of this clown car of a movie is the apparent/implied/hinted relationship between Ghostbuster Daughter and Ghost Girl. After getting benched, full of woe and despair, GD goes to play chess by herself; in the middle of the night; in some park at an unknown distance from HQ. That should be enough to call a number of agencies to take custody away from Momma Spengler. Nevertheless, the chess board is properly set, and the pieces start to move on their own. This could be a call back to the previous movie, but sike! It ain’t grandpa but a new character.
EMO EXTREMES GEOGRAPHY LESSONS
My first thought was what the heck is Geena Davis doing here? Tell me that whoever this is doesn’t look like the Piratress with all that spectral glow up. Yeah, I’m old. I’ve seen these things. Anyhoo, the two share stories of melancholy. I get the ghost; GD is just being an effing drama queen; yet, that’s what you’re supposed to be in these movies, an obnoxious pendulum of emotions because “plot.” They become friends and spend a ridiculously short amount of time together before things escalate to the point of betrayal.
Now, could there be attraction? Maybe. I just wonder if the three-word gurus who wrote the script have any female friends at all. Women relate to each other in very different ways than men. Personally, I see a girl in need of a friend her age who can understand her. It’s all a fukken lie, but she doesn’t know that. GD only goes to the extreme because contrivance, convenience, and coincidence met in a dark alley to smoke a joint; I mean, because the writers needed a way to move their stupid story forward.
FROZEN EMPIRE MISREPRESENTS ITSELF FROM THE FIRST TRAILER. THE BEACH ATTACK THAT HAD EVERYBODY HYPED UP SHOULDN’T EVEN HAPPEN. IF THE DEMONIC ENTITY IS COMING FROM QUEENS TO THE GHOSTBUSTERS HQ, THERE’S NO REASON FOR IT TO MAKE A GRAND ENTRANCE THROUGH CONEY ISLAND. CRACK A MAP, GENTLEMEN.
Yeah, plot armor is a thing, but it should weaken when shared among characters. Harry, Ron, and Hermione share plot armor: 100 between 3, not that bad. The forty idiots in the final battle of this film? Come on!
I left the theater bored, in need of punching my friends and craving beer and pizza. The first was not relieved. Forgettable is the word I’d use to describe the film, but it’s still annoying enough to beget this rant. True, compared to products trying to shove an unearned message down our throats, this one won’t offend anybody– much. Is that what we’re supposed to expect from entertainment now? To be so bland and mindless that we don’t get offended by it?
Sometimes I make a soup, then add more water and stuff the next day, and keep putting more water and shit for several days. Don’t question my cooking methods. By day seven, it’s still a soup, but not the same soup we started with. That’s Hollywood today. They keep trying to sell us the soup on the menu after it has been transformed to the point of being something else.
The funny thing is, at this point, we aren’t going back for nostalgia; we go back because those old things were good: made with care– with entertainment and escapism in mind. I don’t know what these uncreative fookus think they are accomplishing, but whatever that is, it ain’t great.
4 out of 10. Go watch a horror movie, any horror movie, instead.
Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire is sadly still in theaters…