Here we go again! Another year is in the books, and we’re ready for the traffic-chasing click-bait season of Best Of lists! But that’s not what you’re here for, is it? You could care less about another list of critically acclaimed music. You’re here because you can’t wait for me to talk about The Worst Songs of 2023.
What is the real appeal of a Worst Songs of 2023 list?
I get it! With all the negative energy in the world – complete with famine, wars, murder, genocide, and more – it’s nice to kick back and be upset about the opinion of a stranger on the internet. You want your ol’ Uncle Coop, to tear into a bunch of chart-topping hits for the sake of being a contrarian. You’re here for the public lynching I’ll likely endure when I upset some pop star’s fandom.
Of course, I’ll oblige, but it’s also kind of redundant at this point. There is no MTV, and no one listens to FM radio, so the general public isn’t subject to questionable artistry as much as it used to be. After all, we have access to every song by every artist on our phones, so why would we choose to listen to terrible music that someone else chose for us? We can literally listen to what we want when we want!
What are we really after?
I don’t know. Maybe that’s why pop music is dead. There is no “popular” consensus about the state of the music industry. I already talked about that on my podcast (see Crushed Monocle episode 30), so I don’t want to digress. Just realize that, while these exercises can be fun and cathartic for many of us, they don’t really solve the problem with pop.
Nevertheless, here we are. Despite not being the target audience for Top 40, I do catch the occasional pop song out in the wild. And for the sake of your sick curiosity (and mine!), I’ve thinned the herd to bring you the worst of the worst.
This is (in my opinion) the Worst Songs Of 2023.
[Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in the article are mine and do not reflect or represent those of Bearded Gentlemen Music as a whole. Unless of course there are any digs at ska. No one really likes ska, do they?]
Bleachers – “Modern Girl”
Equal parts Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen, “Modern Girl” is an ’80s-flavored pop tune about folks having a good time. Let’s be clear – Jack Antonoff is a cheese lord obsessed with this very particular brand of cringe. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out how something so broad and universal could sound so pretentious and boring.
Just like everything Antonoff has ever created, the performance and production are the absolute worst. From the faux-dryness of the saxophones to the eye-rolling rebel yell before every hook, everything is textbook corniness void of any passion or realism. It waxes nostalgic for a time in pop culture when the target audience wasn’t even born. And it does a poor job at that!
Morgan Wallen – “Last Night”
I feel like I’m in an ouroboros with “Last Night.” As in, I could use the same paragraph I used for “You Proof” in last year’s list. This year, Wallen returns with a monotone slice of synthetic humble brags posing as a breakup song. Throw in some auto-tuned guitar, midi beats, and digital compression, and you’ve got yourself a trap country hit. Even his trademark southern draw sounds digitally exaggerated. Speaking of exaggeration, homeboy went on a racist tirade last year and his apology tour consisted of him releasing a 38-song album. But the only real race he is interested in is the race with himself to see how many times he can say “whiskey” in a single song. Riveting isn’t it?
Miley Cyrus – “Used To Be Young”
Man, remember when ol’ Miley Cyrus was a youngin’? Now, she’s so old her bottom jaw has fallen off and her legs have rotted away like corn husks. I guess decomposition happens suddenly when we reach 30. Wait what?
I know that “Used To Be Young” isn’t meant to be taken literally. It’s about reflecting on one’s personal growth. But what’s her story here? She wanted to shed her Hannah Montana Disney image so she appropriated black culture. Now she’s shedding the routine as if it was harmful to appear more wholesome. That’s using black people as props and throwing them under the bus when they no longer fit the narrative! Moreover, who cares about her calculated eras? She made a billion dollars in every single one of those eras she’s been in.
Speaking of which, why is everyone so fixated on “eras” anyway? We all grow up. Big deal. Take your money and move on to the next profitable showcase. I must be in my “I’ve given these nepo-babies far too much attention” era. While Miley’s other 2023 hit, “Flowers” is more obnoxious in its repetitiveness, this one is worse even if for its wishy-washiness.
Blink 182 – “One More Time”
Here we go. Yet another Blink 182 song to capitalize on the 40-year-olds who are somehow nostalgic for 2002. I supposed there’s still something tantalizing about frosted tips, the Nokia 3310, and pretending “Sk8ter Boi” was written about you and your crush. But Instead of “One More Time” reaching for your nostalgia, they’re stroking their own.
With opening lyrics like “Strangers. From strangers into brothers. From brothers into strangers once again” I’m guessing it’s supposed to be a sad and profound reflection on previous band drama. But it’s super bizarre hearing lyrics that sound like they’re written by a 7th grader and performed by A.I.
My dudes – you’re 50. If you wanna hug a bro, go hug a bro. This milquetoast meandering doesn’t tug at my heartstrings. It makes me want to go back in time and shove screwdrivers in my ears so I don’t have to hear cringeworthy backward-cap-wearing middle-aged men acting like they did something. How about breaking up again? That would work much better for all parties involved.
Olivia Rodrigo – “Bad Idea Right?”
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone tried to convince me Olivia Rodrigo was some sort of savior to rock ‘n’ roll. My future kids wouldn’t have to work their way through school. Speaking of bratty privileged offspring, no one can yell into a microphone with a digitally distorted guitar in the background and save anything, much less rock n’ roll. Nevertheless, “Bad Idea Right” is pitched as a teenage bop about throwing caution to the wind and celebrating bad decisions.
I guess that would be a cool premise if I were 15, but is this what they’re hyping as raw talent? Seriously? Not only is this boring, soulless, and probably ghost-written by a group of 40-year-olds who think this is how teenagers talk, but it’s also sonically grating. Rodrigo sings the same single monotone note for the entire duration.
Oddly enough, “Bad Idea Right” sounds like a direct ripoff of Corey Feldman’s “Ascension Millenium”. At least Feldman’s attempt at music is weirdly endearing if not entertaining. Maybe child stars with more money than talent do have a particular skill set?
Fall Out Boy – “We Didn’t Start The Fire”
First off, I think Billy Joel is one of the most boring artists of all time. Nothing churns my stomach contents into mossy brown butter like the thought of willingly listening to a yuppie’s account of newsworthy events of the 1980s. So naturally, when I got wind of Fall Out Boy covering one of Joel’s songs, I reserved a nice little spot for it on this list. But nothing prepared me for actually hearing this God-awful rendition of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”.
I know it’s a miracle that a band I listened to when I was 20 years old could even have a shred of pop cultural relevance in the year 2023. But having the audacity to even record this song and re-working it into mentioning big moments of the last 30 years? It’s truly mind-boggling.
So yeah, Pokemon, Elon Musk, Stranger Things, 9-11, and Trump being impeached twice. I know all about it, I was there. This means I was also there in the early 2000s when major labels put together mediocre bands and planted them on MTV to capitalize on the dollars of teenage girls. And what’s with 1989 to 2023 anyway? Why such a specific time frame? Who is this for?
Jelly Roll – “Need A Favor”
Look, I’m not gonna judge Jelly Roll for his history of aggravated robbery or various addictions. People can change and deserve to get a second chance, especially when they learn to be better. Jelly Roll has done that in his personal and professional life. He went from making generic white boy hip-hop to generic butt-rock country and actually turned a profit.
However, I will judge him for taking every Nickelback song from 2002 to 2010 and turning it into “Need A Favor”. So this song is supposed to be about how we ignore God until we’re at our absolute lowest and pray when there’s nothing left to do. At least I think so? The lyrics are kinda hard to decipher beneath the constant wailing of what sounds like Darius Rucker and Chad Kroeger in a competition of who can pass the most kidney stones.
Meghan Trainor – “Mother”
When I heard Meghan Trainor’s new song was called “Mother”, a little part of me hoped it was some sort of ironic cover of Glenn Danzig’s monumental signature song. Unfortunately, what we got was much much worse: yet another “You ugly-I hot” single from an artist no one admits listening to. I know the whole 1950s vibe has been her aesthetic from the start, but “Mother” goes above and beyond by sampling “Mr. Sandman” and accentuates the word “bum” in the hook. Oh, it’s worse than you can imagine.
The song isn’t pro-feminism empowerment like it thinks or insists it is. In reality, it’s musical vomit that focus groups at Epic Records pray will become viral on TikTok. Without a distinctive voice, personality, or a finger on the pulse of pop culture, Trainor running people down is more like the toothless rednecks screaming “YALLS JUS JEALOUS!” on Jerry Springer while being booed by the studio audience. If Trainor was actually my mother, I would’ve signed emancipation papers long before this trash was unleashed upon the world. This song eats bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum…
Guns ‘N Roses – “Perhaps”
You can say what you want about Chinese Democracy, but no matter how bad it was, you can’t deny it’s one of the most fascinating stories in rock history. But now that Guns ‘N Roses are back together and touring, is there room for these once-bad boys of rock? If their new content is anything like “Perhaps,” the answer is a resounding NO.
The piano riff sounds like it’s played on a midi-pad, Slash is asleep, Duff went out for a smoke, and Axl sounds less like his former self and more like Jobe Smith from Lawnmower Man. Not to be outdone by its horrendous production, Axl’s voice is heard through the entire runtime of the song, only taking a breath for Slash’s mediocre solo spot. I’ve always been of the mind that rock isn’t dead, but Guns ‘N Roses aren’t making a very good argument for it. We were doing just fine without them.
Oliver Anthony – “Rich Men North Of Richmond”
So this rural hick comes out of nowhere with no label, no following, no band, and tops the Billboard 100 with an anti-government anthem. The year is 2023, not 1969. Had this come out in 1969, I can assure you it would’ve had some sick psychedelic production right? As it stands, “Rich Men North Of Richmond” is a bare-bones acoustic number sung with a mealy backwoods snarl sounding more like The Hills Have Eyes than a folk singer. But thanks to the heartfelt lyrics about inflation and political hypocrisy, the song resonated with the public.
Well, it’s mainly because of the second verse where he says,
“If yer 5 foot 3 and weigh 300 pounds, taxes ought not to pay for yer bag of Fudge Rounds.”
Because the random nameless obese person minding their own business at Wal-Mart is clearly the main reason America is going to Hell in a handbasket. It’s totally not at the fault of the wealthy elite and/or slimy politicians who get sexually aroused at the mere thought of snuffing out anyone who’s not of their social class. Sorry Oliver, but maybe you should stay on track and put the focus on the people you allegedly titled the song after and not the poor schmucks who gave you 15 minutes of fame.
Taylor Swift – “Karma”
As of writing this piece, Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour is projected to earn over 6 BILLION dollars before comes to a close. That does not count the theatrical screenings of the tour’s film version. Then there’s Swift’s re-recorded discography and countless Grammy nominations. She currently owns the NFL press cycle with her well-publicized relationship with Kansas City Chief’s Travis Kelce, and she recently joined the billionaire’s club. Good for her.
How does she do it? Is it her constant hard work? Her obvious talent? Her slinky good looks? The cult-esque fandom following her? Being the child of well-off parents with connections who bought her a record deal before she could properly hold a guitar? All of those things are true. But most importantly, it’s karma.
That’s right. According to this song, Swift is so interlocked with karma, (who is also a god, boyfriend, and a cat purring on her lap?) that it’s the sole reason why she is relevant and everyone else isn’t. So next time you’re about to be evicted, don’t know where your next meal is coming from, or diagnosed with a terminal illness, remember one thing: it’s all YOUR fault. Somewhere down the line you done messed up because karma isn’t your friend. Now, kneel before the altar of Swift and give thanks for all she has done for us. Or else…
Wait. Taylor Swift isn’t Number One? She’s always Coop’s Number One!
You read that correctly. Taylor Swift might be number 1 in the hearts of the superficial troglodytes who think she’s an authentically good person, but not here. I refuse to give the pop music final boss top honors in anything, much less one of MY articles.
Luke Combs – “Fast Car”
I’m not gonna lie and say I have some cherished affinity for Tracy Chapman or her 1988 hit “Fast Car.” I wasn’t yet in kindergarten when it was released. By the time I got to the age of understanding what Top 40 is, it was kinda forgotten about. “Fast Car” is the kind of song you hear playing in Red Lobster or through slightly distorted speakers while you’re shopping in the canned food aisle at Jewel. It’s a fine song that’s not my personal style, but I don’t have any problems with it.
But I do have a problem with being a hit song by Luke Combs in 2023.
Making this situation even weirder is the fact that it’s not bad. That’s right. I don’t know enough about Luke Combs’ discography to form an opinion, but this song is decent enough. He has a nice voice that compliments the melancholy longing of the original version. He performs it in the same tempo and with similar production. It’s just a straightforward cover of a straightforward song.
So why is “Fast Car” on my Worst Songs of 2023 list?
It just doesn’t sit well with me how a song from a black artist was covered years later by a white artist and became a bigger hit. Sure, this is common discourse (umm… the entire history of rock ‘n’ roll, anyone?). But Combs’ version is nearly identical to the original. Why is it only acceptable as a pop music phenomenon when it’s recorded and released by a white guy?
Now let’s not get it twisted: Chapman received many accolades for “Fast Car” upon its release, including 3 Grammy nominations and taking one home for Best Female Performance. She won a CMA Award this year because of Combs’ version. And I don’t believe for a second that Combs is trying to steal the song from Chapman or make it about himself. I honestly believe he genuinely likes it and enjoys performing it. Just like all 5,000 other covers of this song that have been performed over the years.
However, the underlying issue of deep-seated prejudice in mainstream music can’t be denied.
Hip-hop is 50 years old and has dominated charts for nearly 40 of them. It’s essentially become pop music. Even with all the success, doesn’t it feel a little segregated when it comes to styles of music that rarely house black artists? Remember the uproar in country circles caused by Lil Nas X with “Old Town Road” a few years ago? Why is it okay for Luke Combs to make a country hit out of a pop song but Lil Nas X couldn’t have a country hit as a Hip-hop artist? Go bigger and look at legends in the music industry. Why isn’t Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” ever talked about as the stellar rock song it is? It has Eddie frickin’ Van Halen in it, and it doesn’t get more rock n roll than that!
A good song should be a good song no matter what the genre, race, or gender of the performer. But it’s often not – and it’s usually because of racism. To be clear, I’m not trying to speak for Chapman or any other artist with my argument. However, even with all of the re-recorded albums currently annihilating charts and anniversary versions of albums getting released to wide acclaim, I have a strong feeling that “Fast Car” wouldn’t be accepted or beloved in 2023 had it been re-recorded by Tracy Chapman instead of Luke Combs.
But I’d like to be proven wrong.
Whew! That’s done. I hope you had more fun reading my opinions on the Worst Songs of 2023 list than I did compiling it. What a miserable, boring batch of songs though, right? Four of these artists were on last year’s list, and I think they’re songs from the same albums. Sure, I could’ve added that Jason Aldean racist anthem, or just about any ska song, but that would be too easy. We already know those suck. Why beat on a dead horse?
Admittedly, the songs in my Worst Songs of 2023 list aren’t ruining my life.
They’re just boring. It’s not like I’m forced to hear any of them anyway. I also want to point out that I’m just really tired. Despite what you might think about the content I create at this publication, I find it harder and harder to write bad reviews. That’s just boring to me, too.
It’s the same song and dance: I write the review, share it, receive backlash, and then respond with snarky comments. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Moreover, I don’t really have to listen to any of these songs or artists. What’s the point?
And that’s where pop music sits these days. Maybe I was right on my podcast, and pop really is dead? Seeing as we’re not forced to listen to it on any platform, it’s no longer relevant. We’re 3 years into this decade, and there isn’t a single defining sound or trend. Where are we going? What are we doing? That societal mood is depressing when you think about it. Will someone someday come across this article and think, “Wow! The Worst Songs of 2023! You mean people listened to terrible music on purpose!?”
Well, I wrote about it, and you just read it. So there’s that.
For more adventures in god-awful music, check out previous installments of the Worst Songs here.