The last installment of Old Academy Anew for 2022 is all about family; the kind of family that turns the term dysfunctional into the foulest of all 4-letter words. We will join this big-named cast for a ride that ain’t bumpy but horrid. This is Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966).
PARTY GAMES
We’ll shorten Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? to VIRGINIA WOLF; even though, there’s neither a Virginia nor a Wolf in this story. Also, to keep the word count low. Wink Wink. The pretentious title comes from the song “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?” from the Three Little Pigs (1933). What possessed these grown-ass people to change Big Bad Wolf for Virginia Woolf is never mentioned or even hinted at; thus, leaving us like Brian from Family Guy thinking a dead English author has chased (threatened) pigs (kids, adults) around.
As the film starts, the camera shows a full moon framed by trees; it slowly pans from a castle-like structure to a nearby chalet. Two couples leave the place, screaming mutual goodbyes and waddling their separate ways. The movie’s melancholy main theme begins its mournful serenade. We’re treated to the credits as the couple sluggishly moves toward an unknown destination, fallen autumn leaves blowing about them. Four minutes feel like ten with the inclusion of information about the stage play that spawned the movie; add ridiculous giant fonts to reinforce the aforementioned pretentiousness; spring drunken cackles from the woman and a shushing husband telling her it’s two in the morning. I dare you to watch that intro on mute and not think you’re watching a horror movie.
BEFORE GETTING OUR FIRST FACEFUL OF PROTAGONISTS, VIRGINIA WOLF WANTS TO MAKE US FEEL SOMETHING. I’M UNSURE OF EXACTLY WHAT. DREAD? FEAR? COMPASSION? BY MINUTE TWELVE, IT WON’T BE ANY OF THOSE.
Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton (we don’t know their names yet) enter their bungalow. She goes turning lights on. After reaching the living room, she pronounces in the wake of a cursory inspection, “Jeez. What a dump.” Burton has his back to us, but I honestly felt the eye roll as she sucks on her cigarette.
That “dump” comment unleashes a give-and-take between the couple. She can’t remember the movie it comes from, but she knows Betty Davis said it. That semi-argument drags, throwing plots, names, and unnecessary Warner Bros trivia. We learn their names are Martha and George. I don’t remember if they finally get the movie reference I just love that he tells her that she brays. We also learn they are about to entertain. He wonders who goes to other people’s houses at such an hour. Her answer is “because Daddy said we should be nice to them.” We’ll never meet Daddy, but his presence looms like Thanos throughout the first three phases of the MCU.
The bickering regarding the coming guests moves to the bedroom. If you don’t want to strangle these two by now, you have more restraint than me. The sloppy conversation turns to the arriving couple they just met at Daddy’s house; we’re to infer jealousy, disdain, and cynicism. The man is tall, blond, and well-built— the woman mousy, slim-hipped, and unremarkable. Interestingly, Martha starts to spruce up the bedroom in the most random way imaginable. Keep that in mind. George is tired so he ends up in bed face-first. Martha jumps on his back and childishly sings the movie title, cackling and smacking his back. That moment ends with her telling him he makes her puke.
THESE AREN’T NICE PEOPLE. I KEEP WATCHING BECAUSE THIS IS A TRAIN WRECK, A DUMPSTER FIRE, AND A LYNCH MOB HAVING AN UNHOLY THREESOME. VIRGINIA WOLF MIGHT NOT HAVE WOLVES BUT IT SPORTS SNARLING AND YAPPING AND FANGS AND CLAWS.
The BS returns to the living room, where Martha also spruces up, drinks on, and spouts expository nonsense. Eighty-seven percent of what she brays are disparaging comments and the rest is confused facts. Alternative facts if you please. The uneven couple finally arrives, and the abrasive shite will hit the fan, the walls, and the backyard swing set. This movie should include emotional hazmat suits.
DRINKING GAMES
A verbal kerfuffle ensues regarding who should open the door to receive (not welcome) the visitors; the braying and snarling ends with George’s, “Whatever love wants.” He uses that phrase several times throughout the movie and each time it’s laced with more venom and rancor. George also warns Martha not to bring “the kid” up. She unquestionably bristles, and we know she’s just biding her time to unleash whatever nocive debris “the kid” implies.
Nick (George Segal) and his wife Honey (Sandy Dennis) are somewhat embarrassed by the late hour. But hey, Daddy sent them to mingle— so mingle they will. They are told to throw their coats wherever, basically to do whatever they want as long as they stay and drink. Let’s explain Daddy a little. Martha is the daughter of the University of Whateverthefukkesetts’s head honcho. Remember the castle-like structure from the beginning? We were on a college campus! Daddy reigns with an iron fist over the faculty, doling out favors and punishment with equal relish. George’s an associate professor of the History Department. Martha drinks, brays, and smokes ‘cause she ain’t cleaning that house. Nor has the wherewithal to hire someone to do it. Nick is the new acquisition of the Biology Department. Never mind that Martha has said at least eight times that he belonged to the Math Dept.
VIRGINIA WOLF REVELS IN ITS TOXIC ABSURDITY AS THE YOUNG COUPLE PRETENDS NOT TO NOTICE THE VITRIOL IMPREGNATING THE ATMOSPHERE. ARE THEY SEEING THEIR OWN TOMORROW? WILL THEY TRY TO STOP SUCH A FUTURE FROM HAPPENING?
Several rounds of drinks are downed, and the women go in search of the parlor. Or the “euphemism” as George impolitely names it. A rather tense exchange follows between the two men. If I know my subtext, Martha is not the only one testing Nick as a replacement for George. Whether daddy is only catering to his baby girl’s appetites or wanting a better-suited successor, we’re yet to know. Nevertheless, our jaded protagonist wields sarcasm and backhanded compliments as his weapons until he riles Nick up.
Honey returns alone to the living room. Martha is changing. Nick suggests they leave, but George stops them. If Martha is changing, she’s doing it for them (meaning Nick) because she hasn’t changed for George in years; they should stay because they must obey Martha, who’s their boss’s right hand. Burton’s delivery is terrifying in tone and implications. Sweet baby Odin riding dragons. These. Fukken. People.
MIND GAMES
Of course, the fable of “the kid” has been entrusted to Honey while the women were together. By the time Martha comes down, boobs out, and camel toe charging, things quickly escalate. And we still have more than an hour and change to go.
Honestly, I’m still watching Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? because I want to know who murders who, and how many dead bodies Daddy will need to cover up. And trust me, we get dead people— just not in the way you expect.
Martha and George’s baggage makes Chernobyl seem like a frigging tropical resort. But Nick and Honey are no honeymooners; they have their own darkness, and those dirty secrets surface as the night progresses.
And I’m going to exit the story here, so you go in search of the rest at your own peril. It’s good, but not for the gentle souls or those who don’t want to relive their own existence.
WIKIPEDIA DECEIVES AS IT HAS A BUNCH OF WORDS AFTER THE WORD “PLOT” ON ITS ENTRY FOR Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?. THIS IS A CHARACTER-DRIVEN MOVIE, AND IT’S FANTASTIC AS SUCH.
I didn’t watch Marriage Story (2019) because I hated the trailers: people screaming at each other. If that movie is just a tenth of the volcanic displacement of tectonic plates that VIRGINIA WOLF is, I’m overjoyed I dodged that bullet. The only plot our movie of the month could have is to make you hate, no, loathe the foursome.
A remake of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? would be a nightmare today. First of all, how do you try to compete with titans like Taylor and Burton? Well, there are enough obnoxious creatures who think they are all that, but let’s be serious. Alas, now with a minute to marinate the idea, I think with the current trend of treating men like crap some emboldened producer would dare. Hmm. Yeah, they’ll just need to make Martha a superhero, sorry, super-heroine. After all, both Batman’s and Superman’s mothers are named Martha.
Full of secrets, subtext, epic snark, raging bitchiness, and the spruced-up bedroom gets used; I still must give Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? a 7/10 because these mofos are exhausting.
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is now streaming on HBO Max.
