(All photographs in this article are from the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo website.)
Fuck you. I’m going to get your girl because I’m important, and you’re not. What’s that? Oh right, I’m a member, mother fucker.
And you better fucking realize that when I say “I’m going to get your girl,” I don’t mean to objectify her or make her seem like a prize to be won.
In reality, we’re going to get each other in a relationship based on equality and mutual power, mother fucker.
While you’re waiting in line like the stupid piece of shit you are, I’m ushering your girl through the Members Only gate because I have the Family Plan Plus membership that lets me bring two children and one adult with me into the exotic paradise that is the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo. We’re peeping at snow leopards by the time you’re in the park and some sadsack is accosting you to take an official souvenir snapshot.
These animals have a power and majesty only surpassed by the two free parking vouchers included every year with my membership.
And if you’re wondering how I can afford to buy three burger combos (each with not only a burger but also fries and a large pop), nachos and a few soft pretzels from the outdoor food court, it’s because when my parking vouchers are gone, I still get half off parking with my Members Only discount. She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m also going to get her either an Icee or a snow cone once we pass the kiosks selling those delicious treats near the giraffe feeding station.
You better not get it in your pea-brain mind that we won’t be feeding those giraffes either. While I can’t afford to feed them every time, the money I save by being a member is enough that I can definitely afford this extravagant expenditure every once in a while. Afterall, the savings don’t just extend to the parking vouchers. Three visits to the zoo, and I’ve already saved money as a member over the gate price.
And not even God himself can put a price on the peace of mind granted to me that once I pay my annual membership fee, I don’t have to worry about paying to get into the zoo for an entire year. Being a member means unlimited access with no limit to how many times I can enter those highly elite zoo gates. I could go to the zoo literally every single day of the year should I want to do that and should I have the time – even during mother fuckin’ winter.
Work’s been really crazy lately, so I’ve only been able to go six days a week, but that’s my fault and not the fault of the zoo or my membership there.
Truthfully, I’ve been fucking up really hard at work. My boss wrote me up for misusing the internet for what she says is “Non-Work Related Personal Functions”, which is true, but she doesn’t seem to get all that pissed off when people are on their phones for way longer than the time I spend surfing the internet on my work PC.
Honestly, I think she’s still pissed off because I screamed at her at the holiday party two years ago when she wasn’t even my boss yet. And our manager (who is still her manager, by the way, as he got promoted when my boss got promoted) at the time agreed she was being the aggressor and rude when she told me that “zoos are gay”. That shit isn’t just offensive to zoos but it’s homophobic. How does someone like that even get promoted, ya know?
Yes, I could probably do more to watch my own ass here. She gave me a verbal warning about the internet thing already and I kept using it for personal reasons. The issue is I don’t have a smart phone like everyone else here does. I gave up my iPhone so I could afford a second membership – this time to the Cleveland Natural History Museum, which has its own, smaller zoo right in the city.
It consists of animals native to the region, and you can get really very close to the animals.
The habitats are all pretty up to date and nice. These animals are all smaller and don’t require as much room. Probably the coolest thing is a huge outdoor aquarium section. When I press my eyes right up against the glass, I feel like I’m another fish, swimming carelessly with the fish enclosed in this large tank. I don’t want to be human anymore, and if I continue to be human, all the joy in my life will slip away completely.
Maybe you think it’s pretty dumb of me to choose this second membership over my iPhone, but let’s see if your girl thinks I’m dumb when we leave the zoo and roll into the parking garage that connects to the Natural History Museum. Let’s see how she reacts when I let her hold and then hand over my membership card and if she swoons when I nod in her direction and tell the dude at the Membership Services desk, “She’s with me,” while handing over my driver’s license so they can verify that I’m the same Kendon Luscher who has a membership there.
You can probably afford to take her to the zoo, but don’t try to fucking tell me you’re going to take her to both the zoo and the museum in the same day. You’re fucking pathetic if you think you could ever get on the same level as me, asshole.
Now breathe a sigh of relief because this is all hypothetical. I’m happily married, and I have no intention of cheating on my wife nor do I have an interest in ever dating again even if my wife died in a mysterious house fire or divorced me for that guy Matt she’s been flirting with at work. I just need you to know that if I were single and your girlfriend and I really hit it off and had mutual, respectful interest in each other and if she was really into zoos, I would totally get your girl.
Have fun sleeping at night knowing I’m a member and you’re fucking not.
Oh yeah, and there’s an Asian Lantern Festival going on right now. It rules.