You don’t need me to tell you that 2024 was a bad year. I mean, if you’re reading this article, you’re probably just trying to waste some time or take your mind off some serious issue in your life. Maybe you’re hate-reading and looking for an opportunity to roast me in the comments. I don’t know. All of those are valid reasons, and I salute you for it.
The point is that there are far more serious things to complain about than The Worst Songs of 2024. But if you like these songs, then who am I to judge? Whatever the reason, music is our collective sanctuary, so there’s no shame in enjoying what you like – no matter how bad some stranger on the internet thinks it is.
While we’re at it, isn’t complaining about pop music some serious boomer energy?
I don’t even hate pop music! Most of the stuff I don’t like wasn’t made for me anyway. Besides, dunking on what’s popular is pretty much a given at this point. All this stuff is beaten over our heads with a jackhammer, be it on social media, TV, or some sort of ad.
I even make fun of the stuff I love! Show me a person who actively listens to Danzig, and I’ll show someone with a sense of humor. Also, I want to point out that this article isn’t insinuating that I have a sophisticated ear. After all, I came SO close to having Kerry King’s solo record on my Best Of list this year. This is all for fun.
But enough about me, let’s get to The Worst Songs of 2024!
Actual disclaimer: The opinions shared in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the opinion of the writers, editors, or the publication as a whole.
Imagine Dragons – “Eyes Closed”
I know it’s low-hanging fruit to dunk on Imagine Dragons, so we should probably just get it out of the way. Does anyone legitimately like Imagine Dragons, or is it just unoffensive coworker music for people who still listen to FM radio? These dudes make bank, but I’ve yet to find a single person who admits to actually enjoying their music. But I suppose integrity isn’t really required when you’re making songs with car commercials in mind.
After all, nothing gets me stoked for financing a Corolla for as low 4.75% APR and $3,999 due at signing like hearing Imagine Dragons!
“Eyes Closed” sounds like every other ‘not-really-rock’ song this ‘not-really-rock’ band has ever released. It’s just a bunch of over-articulated yell-singing over a midi drum beat. Come to think of it, I can’t decipher a single instrument in this song. Or a melody for that matter. Plus, there are these little sections of faux industrial where the singer sounds like he’s throwing up. I guess as long as Imagine Dragons are around, the Toyota Sales Event will never end.
Selena Gomez – “Love On”
It feels weird to say that the sound of 2024’s spring/summer season was dominated by a breezy, flirtatious, diet disco song by a former Disney Channel star. Yet, here we are. I’m talking about “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter, though. “Love On” is not that. Selena Gomez becoming an elder-pop former Disney star sure makes me feel old.
The only benefit Gomez had releasing this halfhearted slice of stale bread in the early months of the year is that most publications will forget that it exists when they create their year-end Worst Songs of 2024 lists. Wait a minute…
That’s the problem with “Love On.” No one asked for it, and no one remembers it. Gomez herself sounds like she recorded this in one take, said “That’s good enough,” and called it a day. Is this what we’re doing now? I don’t want to be that guy, but there’s something uncanny about this song that makes me think it’s probably A.I.
David Guetta/OneRepublic – “I Don’t Wanna Wait”
Look at that, another artist I’ve written about in a past “Worst Songs” article. Some of these people are becoming pantry staples like flour. You know what? Flour is a pretty good analogy for “I Don’t Wanna Wait.” Go to your kitchen, open the canister of all-purpose flour, grab a handful, and shove it in your mouth. As you choke on its desert-dry texture, focus on the flavor. What does it taste like? Nothing.
How does this EDM Santana manage to make the most boring club music in the industry? It’s kind of astounding really. This feels like something I would’ve heard for maybe 30 seconds before changing the channel in 2002. Why does this feel so old and outdated? I thought maybe the music video would at least be fun, but even that is paint-by-numbers fluff. I suppose it’s a good thing that labels no longer invest in music videos. While you’re at it, let’s stop investing in David Guetta.
Meghan Trainor – “Been Like This”
Have you ever heard of Dreamworks Face? It’s that little raised eyebrow with a confident smile every animated character does on a poster to visualize being cool. It’s not earned, and it says more about being bullheaded and obnoxious than being poised or powerful. That’s pretty much Meghan Trainor in a nutshell.
Just like her song from last year, “Been Like This” is essentially Trainor singing about herself being hot, desired, and everyone else being ugly and poor. However, there are no winks or any hints of self-awareness. She legitimately tries to sell this as empowerment. In reality, it’s another obnoxious, grating pop song your 50-year-old aunt probably thinks is cute. If that’s a viable market these days, burn it to the ground, please.
Marshmello/Kane Brown – “Miles On It”
I was ready to dunk on Marshmello for hopping on the “pop goes country” bandwagon at the eleventh hour, but this isn’t his first proverbial rodeo. In fact, this isn’t even his first collaboration with Kane Brown! That’s right, this dynamic duo made my Worst Songs list back in 2019! Good for them! Unfortunately, “Miles On It” is even worse than the last time. I’m assuming it is anyway, I can’t remember that song from 2019.
It’s always funny to see how many country songs reference pickup trucks. Is it some sort of unofficial rule for a country protagonist to have a pickup? What are they even hauling in them? Going by the lyrics in this dumpster fire, trucks are solely for getting busy. Not only have they clearly not thought out the logistics of such an act, but it makes no sense in the context of the song. While we’re at it, why do they have a children’s choir singing along about sexual escapades in pickup trucks? Just ewww.
Green Day – “Corvette Summer”
When did Green Day turn into modern-day Weezer? Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a generic power pop song. But isn’t this the same band that fizzled out in the late ’90s but returned just to piss old people off with American Idiot? Well, guess what, now they’re the old people, and this is their embarrassing contribution to contemporary punk. As a result, they’ve more than earned their appearance on my Worst Songs of 2024 list – and it’s probably the best song here.
As a disclaimer, I think it’s cool how Green Day made themselves relevant by making right wingers clutch their pearls with American Idiot. I applaud and celebrate that! Good on them! So why are they wasting their breath on this garbage? I don’t support gatekeeping of any kind, but come on, “Corvette Summer” is about as removed from punk as one can get. It’s just meatless, boring Dad Rock of the worst kind.
The truth is, Green Day was never punk. They were signed in the early ’90s because record executives were looking for ugly white guys hoping they’d be the next Nirvana. Their political posturing didn’t even happen until they were past their prime in the mid-2000s. Everyone forgot about all their god-awful post-American Idiot music for a reason.
Taylor Swift – Entire Tortured Poets Department Album
Are we finally seeing the downfall of the almighty Taylor Swift? Judging by how she’s dominating charts, having the most celebrated tour in history, and getting people to actually watching football for a glimpse of her in the VIP section, I’d have to say no. But if you take a closer look, is she really that beloved by the general public?
When was the last time you even heard a Swift song without actually seeking it out? Having a fandom cult that religiously replays tracks 24/7 to keep their leader at the top of Spotify charts really doesn’t count (or it shouldn’t). Neither does monopolizing said charts by releasing DLC each time any other female artist drops an album. That isn’t love and admiration – it’s a toxic parasocial codependent relationship.
Outside of the Swiftie cult, does anyone really like Tortured Poets Department? I’m not going to diminish any success Swift has as an artist, but let’s be real: journalists aren’t even allowed to give her a less-than-beaming review without facing the consequences of her online fans. The only critic who dared to call her out on a mediocre album had to publish the review anonymously.
As for the product, the Tortured Poets Department is just not a very good record. Even by Swift’s standards.
It’s self-important, pretentious meandering that needs about 15 songs shaved off to be considered a valid listening experience. Not helping matters is Swift’s paper-thin vocals, painfully flat delivery, and pedestrian production. The whole album feels like she asked OpenAI to write a Taylor Swift record and then recorded the results. With lyrics like “Touch me while your bros play Grand Theft Auto” and “We wished we could live in instead of this I’d say the 1830s but without all the racists,” I’d almost feel embarrassed for her if she wasn’t part of the elite billionaires club. What’s it gonna take for Taylor Swift to make legitimately good music that can win someone like me over? I don’t know, but let’s throw more money at her and see if that helps.
Motley Crue – “Dogs Of War”
First and foremost, I’ve never been a big fan of Motley Crue. Sure, they flashed a pentagram at any given opportunity in the ’80s, and they once had a song about shouting at the Devil, but there was nothing metal about any of their music. “Dr. Feelgood” is pretty okay, I guess? Seeing as I’m not a 60-year-old barfly, this kind of rock music doesn’t appeal to me. All the videos of how bad Vince Neil’s voice is are oddly endearing. Part of me wants to drink bleach, but the other part wants them to succeed despite the jokes. Well, that is until I heard their latest song.
“Dogs Of War” is a rock n’ roll abomination. From the chugga-chugga butt rock riff fresh out of 2001, the Ace Frehley-esque guitar solo, to the chorus being sung no less than 153 times, there is nothing good here. Topping it all off are the painfully autotuned vocals. That’s not even mentioning the fizzy production. “Dogs Of War” sounds like the band recorded this with GarageBand through a Zoom505 then flushed down a toilet at Buc-ee’s.
I stand corrected: Motley Crue deserves the yucks. Maybe if we mock them hard enough, they’ll finally go away forever.
Katy Perry – “Woman’s World”
Owning a flop isn’t always as easy, but it’s more noble than pretending it didn’t happen. You have to eat your humility, chew slowly, and wash it down with a tall glass of acceptance. But doing so means you also have to understand why something flopped. It’s the most valuable aspect of any lesson.
Sadly, Katy Perry just can’t seem to fully grasp it. Now as a man, I’m not at liberty to say what should and shouldn’t be considered adequate female empowerment. But “Woman’s World” has some obvious issues even this stupid white man can pick up on.
In each verse, Perry passive-aggressively delivers each line about power and defiance as if it were a joke. Even the chorus, “It’s a woman’s world and you’re lucky to be livin’ in it. You better celebrate baby, because we ain’t goin’ away” comes off more as sarcasm than anthemic. Making matters worse is how 4 of the 6 songwriters of this monster were men, including but not limited to the accused rapist, Dr. Luke, who also produced the track. Read the room, for God’s sake.
Don’t get me started on the music video. All the obnoxious winking and sexual innuendos do more to make fun of women rather than empower them.
It’s also just a bad song, as if it was written for every Worst of 2024 list.
Outside the inane lyrics, “Woman’s World” sounds like a nauseating amalgamation of Lady Gaga’s “Stupid Love” and Kelly Clarkson’s “Walk Away.” If both those songs were low points for those powerhouse artists, in what world would it be the revolutionary comeback for Katy Perry? Trivializing feminism, objectifying women, and being co-written by an accused rapist make it like a living and breathing South Park episode. Katy Perry’s flop era must be documented and studied for future generations.
Post Malone/Morgan Wallen – “I Had Some Help”
Ah, 2024. The year when pop culture collectively stooped low enough to decide that country music was cool. Pop artists doing country music aren’t new. Everyone from Bob Dylan to Tina Turner has put out country albums. Remember Metallica’s country-flavored “Mama Said”? Apparently, despite inventing the genre, it’s only controversial when a black artist does it. But when Beyonce was all but nailed to a cross for making a country album, everyone welcomed Post Malone into the genre with open arms. Sounds about white.
If there was ever an artist begging to be on my Worst Songs of 2024 list, it’s probably Post Malone.
Homeboy has cemented himself in the pop culture lexicon with the most bland, middle-of-the-road fluff an artist is humanly capable of. Naturally, his big foray into the whiskey and tailgates genre was going to be just as generic. Speaking of whiskey, the surefire way to earn a hit amongst the yokels is to team up with Morgan Wallen. Well, him or Jellyroll. But having 2 artists with face tattoos would be a little too confusing for the average Top 40 listener. Wallen doesn’t add a single thing to “I Had Some Help” so I’m not really sure why these two bros decided to work together.
If this wallpaper sandwich is all it takes to have a country hit, I’m gonna buy myself a hat, strum a G chord, and become the new Merle Haggard. I won’t even need to beat a wife, scream out racial obscenities, or whatever dudes in the genre do to win over their target audience. Gimme a record deal, y’all. Yeehaw!
Benson Boone – “Beautiful Things”
Each year requires a whiny white boy love ballad. Without fail, some chud crawls out of a trunk or a barrel and starts whimpering a haiku hoping to sulk his way into some poor girl’s life. While it’s usually reserved for a gosh-shucks hobbit like Ed Sheeran or Lewis Capaldi, this year, it was a skinny kid with poodle hair and a mini-truck mustache named Benson Boone. Even his name sounds like a character in a middle school soap opera on the WB.
Appreciation of love, finding a spouse your parents approve of, reverence for God for giving you the good life. Like a traditionalist’s wet dream, Benson Boob goes down the checklist needed to suck up to old conservative people. This is the kind of cloying drivel Chic-Fil-A white people play at proms and weddings to make their significant others fall in love with them all over again. Or at least that’s what they want to project for future Instagram posts anyway.
As for the song itself, it’s just sing-songy blandness. If it had a banjo, it would’ve been a hit in 2012. If it had a drum machine, it could’ve been a hit by Maroon 5. Unplug it, and it could be a Sheeran fart from 2013. It’s just corny, lame, and nauseatingly faux-romantic. Sure, just about every ballad is lame to some degree, but this isn’t even passionate. This is so superficial and surface, and it sounds like it was made for a broccoli-haired teenager to put as a soundtrack for a TikTok video trying to earn pretty boy points. Girl, you don’t need this in your life right now. Swipe left.
Justin Timberlake – “Selfish”
There’s just something satisfying about a smarmy popstar’s fall from grace. Between the Britney tell-all drama and his driving under the influence stunt, it hasn’t been a good year for Justin. Then again, I’ve said Timberlake has sucked for years. In fact, anytime I’ve said as much, I was met with “Aw, yer just jealous!” responses. So, it’s good to see you all have caught up with my impeccable taste. I’ll call it even if you give me my flowers and keep it 100: Justin has always been a douche, right?
His entire profession has been based upon using everyone as a stepping stone to further his career. Timberlake’s social life is notorious for throwing women under the bus and has rarely been called out. Even when he was called out for cultural appropriation, he was given a pass because the music was so good. Never mind the fact it was produced, engineered, and marketed by actual black artists.
Despite being lauded as a “Prince of Pop” who wanted to be the new King, this list of Worst Songs of 2024 sees him as merely the Jester.
But what does that say about Justin’s alleged comeback single, “Selfish” itself? It’s so forgettable that the “What tour? The WORLD tour.” memes outweighed any clout he thought he earned. The track is just boring. No more, no less. Medium-tempo drivel with generic “I love you” lyrics about a nondescript person who could literally be anyone. His wife, his waning popularity, himself. It doesn’t even matter, because no one cares.
Although boring and generic, “Selfish” is the perfect song to represent all the bad ones of 2024. It reeks of someone who has tried every trick in the book to be well-liked by everyone, and now they’re trying to be precious when the world has grown tired of his antics. This time, the cat is out of the bag. Timberlake is a boring artist who outstayed his welcome. What’s a poor has-been to do? Cry me a river, I guess.
This is usually the part where I try to string all these songs together with some kind of arching plot thread. What will it be this year? Are these songs bad because the artists are narcissistic and looking for the best way to get attention? Making a quick dollar doing the bare minimum is an obvious one. Maybe it’s gentrification or cultural appropriation? How about the desperation that comes with trying to hold on to the last shred of artistic integrity? I suppose there’s a case to be made for each of those theories for each artist.
But I honestly think these terrible songs say more about the current state of pop culture rather than pop music.
Be it “Espresso”, Tortured Poets Department, or whatever Chappell Roan is angry about, contemporary pop feels the need to become a larger-than-life cultural moment every single time. But that’s simply impossible and unsustainable! Besides, sometimes a pop song is just a pop song.
In fact, it’s okay to think an album is mid. Why isn’t a celebrity allowed to have a bad day? When you force something to be bigger or more important than what it is, you’re setting it up to collapse under its own weight. Of course, that’s no excuse for an objectively bad product, but at the end of the day, who cares? There’s plenty of good music out there you could be listening to!
For more adventures in god-awful music, check out previous installments of the Worst Songs here