For the first (and probably last) time Old Academy Anew goes Horrorween. You can count the amount of quote-unquote horror movies nominated for Best Picture without using all your fingers; nevertheless, the mother of all demons is obviously 1973’s The Exorcist. Now because this column is all about the possibility of remakes today; as luck would have it, it’s been (technically) done already. The Exorcist: Believer (2023) ain’t necessarily a remake, but it tries to work as a sequel; even if there have been about twenty movies between 1973 and 2023 in the franchise so far.
So, Demonic Double Feature it is. Don’t get used to it ’cause I ain’t no horror fan. Anyhoo, unless you live under a rock inside a cave in the Mariana Trench, you’ve heard about The Exorcist. You should know about The Exorcist: Believer based on the abundant “diversity/inclusion without plot or logic” we’re drowned in. Therefore, spoilers, rants, cussing, and mild to severe movie facts/trivia ahead.
GHOULS OF HORRORS PAST
I probably watched The Exorcist at some point during the last century. Because I tend to erase/forget stuff that grosses me out, I have zero memory of that event. Thus, I went clueless and expectation-less and, what’s the word I’m looking for? Sat with my eyes open assimilating what was happening on the screen. No, that’s not “a” word. Consumed? Yeah, let’s settle for “consumed;” that’s a concept we bang around today. Using another trendy term, this film is what the kids today call “slow burn.” It ain’t a romance, but the Devil surely teases you until you beg for it.
The Exorcist starts in a desert and keeps you thirsty, craving horror for most of its runtime. It gives you sips but never a full glass until the last 20 minutes.
An old man (Max Von Sydow) is in a busy excavation site in Northern Iraq. At this point, we don’t know who he is or why he’s there. We will only get the answer to one of those questions much later. I like the fact that everyone speaks Arabic. Had it been today, even the street kids would know English because geographical logic ain’t a thing anymore.
He discovers a little dragon-looking miniature in his dig site. His face is full of concern, and now he must leave this place for reasons. After dramatically mopping his forehead a lot and hobbling around, he goes to another area full of ruins. A not-so-subtle imagery of the coming confrontation is the last we see of him. We still don’t know his name or rank. Ten minutes of pretty visuals that mean nothing for now.
From the Middle-East we jump to a massive bridge over a river and a location card: Georgetown. The camera zooms in toward a townhouse beyond the bridge. At first glance, you’d not be bothered by the gloomy, undetermined time of day as we move into the place. This is the first of many things that feel incongruent the more you pay attention to the film.
A woman (Ellen Burstyn) turns on a headlamp as she makes annotations on pages. She hears strange scampering and rattling noises and goes to investigate. These seem to come from the attic, and (as every parent does) she checks on her child. The window is wide open, wind blowing in. There’s that weird twilight glow as she closes it. She fixes the blankets, covers the daughter, and utters her first words in the film. “Sure do love you.”
Time is relative and perhaps not truly important within the context of events in a movie. But The Exorcist does this thing where never really know when is going on. It’s either day or night but the actual hour is always elusive.
Next whenever, the woman, Chris McNeil, has an exchange with her manservant about rats in the attic. The Chekhov’s rats if you will. That brief moment of domestic drama blows to a movie set. A coordinator calls for “a priest, a nun, and two students.” They are filming some kind of protest on a campus, and McNeil is the protagonist. Cleverly, we learn the name of the movie and the probable location of this Georgetown as she opens the door of her trailer.
The protest is to prevent a demolition. McNeil questions the director about it because the script doesn’t give a reason for the eradication of the building. She seems to need context to be able to embody the character. Director dude gives her a smart retort, but this appears to be normal between them; his cheeky answer earns a hug from McNeil and the giggles of those congregated to watch the shooting.
Among the spectators, the camera focuses on a handsome priest (Jason Miller) as he chuckles with the rest. Father Handsome doesn’t know it yet but he’ll become part of McNeil’s future mess. Filming continues but the dialog of the scene is completely removed from a building being torn down. You don’t realize it as it happens, but the whole thing is surreptitious foreshadowing.
Because the plot demands it, and we need more silent exposition, McNeil leaves her stuff with her driver to walk home. We see kids running in costumes holding pumpkin-shaped baskets to establish the time of year. Padre Looker is trying to calm down another priest when McNeil “happens” to walk by, but a timely airplane muffles their conversation; we just perceive the second priest’s agitation.
As plot conveniences and coincidences go, The Exorcist is not a flagrant offender. Yes, it’s clunky sometimes but never heavy-handed.
Back at McNeil’s place we finally meet her daughter Regan (Linda Blair). We’re presented with a sweet, loving, and very articulated child; she automatically wins you with her charming demeanor.
That blissful domestic scene ends so we can follow Father Handsome to one of decay and abandonment. Interestingly, he takes the subway and goes to a place that looks suspiciously like Brooklyn. Then I remembered we were in Washington DC. Fun Fact: the Washington Metro opened in 1976; this movie happens in 1973, or does it? Or is Padre Looker able to teleport? Am I thinking too much? Nevertheless, he goes to his semi-feeble, old, immigrant mother’s apartment.
We know she’s an immigrant because she speaks either accented English or a vague foreign language. They have one of those exposition conversations; Father Face ain’t happy with life, and she needs new accommodations where she won’t be alone all the time. Padre Good Son spends some time with Mama and then leaves, so we can teleport back to the McNeil Household.
Regan is being all cute showing her mom some arts and crafts. McNeil discovers an Ouija board and asks our girl about it. Regan found it in a closet and has been playing with it. When McNeil puts her hands on the planchette, it jumps to NO. She thinks is Regan being silly, but it ain’t that. Captain Howdy, the entity giving Regan answers to her questions, doesn’t want McNeil to play with the board. The invisible fukk doesn’t even answer Regan’s questions while her mother is present.
The Exorcist nonchalantly dismisses any spooky situation and brings science to the dance floor to mess with a child’s life. As one did in 1973. Groovy.
Regan’s absent father doesn’t call for her thirteenth birthday. We learn this because McNeil screams at an international/hotel operator. Picture a Karen getting her pumpkin spice chai with cow milk instead of fresh from the tree’s teat soy milk. The barista also wrote the name of this hypothetical Karen as K.U.N.T, and she did not appreciate that. Nevertheless, when Regan starts acting weird, McNeil assumes it has to do with daddy issues instead of supernatural interference. Neither Captain Howdy nor the Ouija are ever mentioned again. We do revisit the Chekov’s rats, though.
Meanwhile, Father Handsome is having a crisis. He did teleport to New York when we saw him last. Never mind that; he happens to be the psychiatrist for the church bunch of the DC area, and he wants out. First, because he needs to be closer to his mother; second the alleged mental issues of his patients always end up being issues of faith, which in turn trigger his own faith-related conflicts. Things escalate when his mother has some sort of episode far away in the Big Apple. By the time Padre Guapo arrives, her brother has her in a public looney bin (‘cause money). Of course, the film got to show the cray-crays. Why the fuck no? The actual hell shit ain’t here yet, so let’s put some unfit withered humans as placeholders. This is one of the rare occasions when tell would have been better than show.
Another shit we didn’t need to see is all the invasive procedures our girl Regan goes through. The movie’s trying to draw parallels but also contrast between science and the incoming esoteric brouhaha. Yes, both can be rough, but they can also give you hope. We. Get. It.
As Regan’s mental and physical state deteriorates, a murder happens close to her. The film gives a WW2 red herring and introduces a jaded cop to round up the cliches to bring all the main characters together.
Things go finally hell-bound bat-shit crazy at the one hour and thirteen minutes mark. Was this 13 intentional? Who knows? The famous crucifix deflowering happens, and everything goes downhill from there. Padre Looker asks for his superior’s help after an interview with the Devil. More than sixty minutes after his last appearance, the old man from the beginning shows up. He’s a priest. Perhaps the last true exorcist is still alive and (somewhat) kicking.
GHOULS OF HORRORS PRESENT
2023’s The Exorcist: Believer is to 1973’s The Exorcist what the live-action Mulan (2020) is to the original animated one (1998); just a poorly Xeroxed copy from a running-out-of-ink contraption. As I mentioned, it isn’t a remake but a sequel because it includes a character from 1973, Chris McNeil; and yet, it follows the same beats with sadly updated (never improved) scenes and themes. Symmetry? Nah. Just lazy writing.
As the original, we start in an “exotic” location. This time we are in Haiti to bring the spiritual beliefs of the African Diaspora into the spotlight. The Chekov’s Voodoo if you might, but still better handled than the rats in 1973. Nonetheless, there’s no “surprise” Catholic priest in this vignette. We follow a hot couple vacationing. Funny enough, if you haven’t seen this movie and you read the words “hot couple vacationing” in 2024, it could be two guys or two gals. Against all odds, it’s a man and a woman, and the woman happens to be pregnant. Also if you don’t hear them speak you could think they are locals… Not gonna debate the intentions behind that choice here, but we gonna get there, trust me.
Because the plot demands it, hot pregnant lady is whisked away to an arcane protection ceremony before an earthquake (of all the fukken clichés for Haiti) puts her in such a position that the doctors can only save her or the baby, not both.
After fridging the hot pregnant lady to Haitian Hell, Believer jumps in time to give us a single father raising a girl in the era of TikTok and online bullying.
I’m gonna sound shallow but let’s say, girly does not look like mom or dad. Am I being an online bully? Am I gonna end up asking for approval on Reddit? Nah. I’ll be fine. She won’t be, though.
Since we not gonna go back to Georgetown, we settle for Percy, Georgia. Our next possessee, that ain’t right. Future possessed, Angela (Lidya Jewett) is rummaging through her mom’s stuff. She’s looking at pictures and assorted knickknacks, and keeps a pretty purple scarf. Her father, Victor (Leslie Odom Jr.), makes breakfast for both, only to learn that Angela is now vegan. One documentary and people swear off bacon… Geesh.
A scene, very reminiscing of a cute moment between McNeil and Regan, happens with Victor and Angela chasing each other around the house. Victor takes Angela to school, and again his jackassery with neighbors and others in general echoes McNeil’s interactions with people at large. Dude might be nice to look at, but his attitude is not putting me in his camp for the upcoming mess.
Angela and her friend Katherine (Olivia O’Neill) for some plot-related reason have decided to summon spirits in the town’s woods. For this mystical endeavor, they enlist another schoolmate to act as their alibi while they cavort with darkness. I use the word “cavort” intentionally. Their demeanor is not Goth Girls Arcane Summoning; it’s Silly Psychic Shenanigans. Candle and pendulum take the place of Regan’s Ouija board. If you’re paying attention, Regan was lured; these two go there with intention.
I wonder if Believer is trying to imply that the girls deserved it because they purposefully played with fire.
The spooky cookie crumbles when Victor gets home from work and Angela isn’t back. He calls her phone– no answer. Worried, he calls Katherine’s mother. Alibi girl is questioned. She only saw them walk into the woods. So, Victor and Katherine’s parents contact the police but start their own search before the cops arrive. This timeline is important because it’s Victor who finds the girls’ shoes, not the police.
Hours pass and no sign of the girls. Accusations begin. The couple blames Angela. Victor swears he’s very close to his daughter; the other two are the ones with zero clues about their child. Mind you, Katherine has two siblings, so any parental attention is scattered in contrast to only child Angela. Katherine’s church-going father acts more violently than Victor to make the divide between the two families even more obvious.
There’s a montage of anguish and missing person posters– of how Victor and the others cope with the situation. Alibi Girl reads a scary excerpt of Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll for a very on-the-nose top-off. Jabberwock and vorpal blade included.
To keep the on-the-nose imagery, the girls reappear in a distant farm three days later. Taken to the hospital, both have no recollection of what happened while gone. They actually think they were lost just for a few hours. Physical and mental examinations ensue to ascertain their state. Remember, these are girls, so the authorities need to check if they remain unspoiled. Also, this might be an attempt to reimagine Regan’s bout with invasive science, but it’s never nearly as brutal.
The African Diaspora beliefs are reintroduced with a neighbor bringing people to do a cleanse in Angela’s room. Believer uses the herb-burning and chanting cliche to the present operation.
A little amnesic but healthy enough, both girls are discharged from the hospital. We have the calm before the storm. It ain’t long before the shit hits the fan, beds, living rooms, and the back of an Evangelical church, though. We even get a call back to the looney bin because why the fukkity fukk no?
Memberberries splash all over the film as Victor watches (by sheer coincidence) an interview with McNeil. Some of her comments about her journey to understand the forces of darkness make him look at some pictures. Echoes upon echoes upon echoes. He decides to pay brave and stunning McNeil a visit.
During their exchange, McNeil utters the stupidest line of the film. Victor wonders why she wasn’t present for the exorcism. Her answer: “My opinion? It’s because I’m not a member of their damn patriarchy.” Twenty twenty-fucking-four’s humanity in a nutshell. Did any of the people making this film watch the original? This byotch would be dead if she’d been inside that room but never mind that. Let’s just spout bullshit because the “hashtag patriarchy” is bad.
Still, McNeil gets her comeuppance for being a mouthpiece and impostor. The former actress goes to see Katherine and acts like she knows what she’s doing only to end up blind. I’m not mad about it. Not even a little. Interestingly, Victor contacts McNeil, but she tries to exorcize the other girl…
Also because it ain’t 1973 anymore, things get expedited, and the Catholic Church of the new millennium refuses to get involved; therefore, a priest delegates duties to a novice who never became a nun. Following McNeil’s discoveries: every culture has their own exorcism rites– the African Diaspora priestess is recalled. We round up this ecumenical demonic eradication with Katherine’s parents’ pastor.
The concept of uniting different belief systems to help with an exorcism is intriguing and unexpected. Unfortunately, Believer botches the execution by walking on eggshells instead of giving us a true bloodbath.
GHOULS OF HORRORS FUTURE
Both films are products of their time. In 1973, a film about demonic possession, having the Catholic Church at its center, was unexpected; especially in America, where the Devil (and all his proclivities) has always been Enemigo Número Uno.
As social commentaries go, the fact that 2023’s Believer has a single father instead of a single/divorced mother informs us about the evolution of social systems– or the interest of certain groups to surreptitiously tell women they are better without children/husbands.
I mean we only see two mothers in this movie. One is a zealot over-religious white woman. The other, an old lady who was a famous actress then traveled the world “studying” the supernatural; just to end up spouting trendy 2020s nonsense after doing whatever the fuck she wanted with her life. Also white. Let’s be serious. We also have a woman who had an abortion, and the demons use that information as a way to fuck with her mind. Not really sure what is the “subtext” Believer is trying to convey.
We have come to a point where when you see minorities in film all suspense is diluted; there’s only one kind of wrong/evil people and be sure that 93 % of the time it ain’t from an “underrepresented” group. Unless you only have underrepresented people in the story because then another hierarchy applies. If you know, you know.
Let’s forget both movies failing their titles. The Exorcist is barely about an exorcism and there’s no real exorcist in Believer. Did any of these movies accomplish what they set out to do?
As a horror/gross/scary enterprise, the 1973 film takes too fukken long to get to the point. We waste time setting up characters that have nothing to do with the end result. The old priest should have been the main religious protagonist. Yes, Father Handsome is nice to look at, but his whole mama’s boy shtick and faith conflict guide us nowhere.
McNeil ain’t a character we can empathize with either. To paraphrase Charlotte Brontë in regards of Jane Austen’s work: Why should we give a fuck about the dramas of the One Percenters? Technically, we should be able to relate to McNeil as a human and mother, but she’s frankly obnoxious, and her return in 2023 does not help her case. The only character giving us something to hold onto here is Regan, but she’s just a vehicle for outrageousness.
Now, The Exorcist accomplished its goal of shocking the public and enraging the Church during the end-of-year holidays of 1973. It made a boatload of money and traumatized a generation or two. You could say it did what it meant to do, even getting an Oscar nod. That being said, fifty years later is still considered a horror classic, but it’d not impact new viewers as other classics might.
To me, humanity’s capacity to be awful to each other is the most horrible thing. In that case, both The Exorcist and Believer gave me enough to be properly horrified.
As much as The Exorcist: Believer is mired in clichés, memberberries, and message, it did better in the entertainment department. Perhaps because Angela isn’t the current obnoxious teenage girl staple who knows better than everyone else. Looking at you Barbie (2023), Antman & the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), and Wakanda: Forever (2022). This girl wants a connection with her dead mother. Why is Katherine in this equation? The plot demands it is an option; another, she’s looking for answers to her own completely opposite questions. Victor, although a certifiable asshole sometimes, is a better character than McNeil. His love for his child might come from a place of fear, but there’s also resentment; that makes him an infinitely more interesting protagonist.
Or perhaps shit just happens quickly in Believer; thus, I never got the chance to be bored out of my head waiting for the demons to appear. Still, both movies get the same 7 out of 10. At the end of the day, what fucked one– helped the other.
Cheers.
The Exorcist is available on Max
The Exorcist: Believer is available on Amazon Prime