2023 was a brown-greenish year, where most doodies weren’t just floppy but pricey, and some goodies were surprisingly cheap. It’s time for The Goodies and Doodies List – The Best and Worst Films of 2023! Finalists on both ends of the spectrum were difficult; goodies because they were few, but I still had more than five favorites; and the doodies were so many that limiting them to five became a constipating affair. Nevertheless, this compilation of gold and crap is based on my enjoyment– regardless of box office earns or critics’ endorsement. Once again: goodies get stars, and doodies get middle fingers. Maybe spoilers. Perhaps rants and definitely swearing ahead. These ain’t reviews but my reasons for the movies to gather on this list. You have been warned. Let’s get the smelly, overpriced (and sometimes preachy) products out of the way first.
BY THE WAY, THOSE TWO BILLION DOLLAR MOVIES (BARBIE & SUPER MARIO BROS) AIN’T ON THIS LIST. I ONLY LIKED ONE OF THESE “WINNERS,” AND I’M GONNA LET YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IT IS.
AQUAMAN & THE LOST KINGDOM
In a sea of superhuman dumps crapped by megacorporations, this year’s last took the plankton cake. Imagine a plot so fooxin’ stupid even the combined powers of Jason Momoa, Patrick Wilson, and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II’s abs couldn’t enthrall us enough to suspend disbelief and drool a little. Never mind silver fox extraordinaire Gunn had declared it DOA way before they did the last reshoots; plus She Who Shan’t Be Named remained part of the film. The whole thing has less logic or purpose than a toddler explaining a video they just watched on their iPad.
Convoluted can start the long alliteration I can summon to describe all the conveniences spread across this mess. The whole the villain isn’t really a bad guy but some external/magical force makes them become evil is tedious, uninspired, and moronic. Manta is a bad guy. He’s trying to avenge a father who was also a fukken bad guy. So why can’t he just be human trash for the sake of being human trash? Nope– you cannot do that in the films of 2023.
Aquaman shouldn’t be king of Atlantis if his mother, the real queen, is alive. His brother got the throne because she was presumed dead. Did she abdicate just to be around when the plot needs her to expound more contrivances? Right, the Black Trident is the one doing most of the exposition; at least it’s visual, so there’s a bit of show instead of tell– but, boy, it’s bullshit. Why do we have a sudden Council trumping all Aquaman’s decisions as king? Isn’t the conflict with Manta enough to drive the movie? Isn’t the blood magic and the exotic mineral, sorry, dangerous fossil fuel enough? Geesh.
GIVING THE EXPOSITION DUMP IN THE MIDDLE INSTEAD OF THE BEGINNING DOESN’T MAKE YOUR PRODUCT EDGY OR INTERESTING IF YOU STILL NEED AN ARTIFICIAL PROCEDURE TO DUMP IT ON US. THE LOST KINGDOM IN THE TITLE IS NOTHING BUT THE MCGUFFIN OF THE FILM. BORING.
Nevermind a woman saving her man; yet, in current Hollywood, the word fishy comes to mind. Frankly, Tom Holland and Mark Walberg had more sexual chemistry in Uncharted (2022) than Heard and Momoa here. #justsaying. Not a single thing in this movie feels organic or earned. The diverse scientist, who should have died 20 minutes in, keeps dodging Death ‘cause we need an ally. Eye roll.
I kind of liked the final battle, but I was ready for a “Save Martha” moment; apparently, all Snyder’s heroes have mommy issues. I’m still surprised the shills haven’t proclaimed this was among the biggest flops of all the films of 2023 because the villain was diverse and we shouldn’t mislabel minorities… Rate: emoji with three middle fingers.
GHOSTED
Ana de Armas is my girl. She’s hot, Cuban, and can cook. But having acted in a James Bond movie doesn’t automatically make her an action star. Still, they were smart enough not to make her kick men thrice her size around; the marksman thing was cool, and she fought using momentum instead of brute force. That surely removed several middle fingers from the rate.
Now the first 20 minutes of this movie are very Hallmark Chanel– until they do the nasty. I’m shallow; I like pretty people, and you can’t deny Armas and Evans are insanely pretty. And a lot of intriguing things about both characters were skillfully set up. The Chekov’s selfie, man: brilliant.
AN INTERESTING STUDY ON THE INTRICACY OF ASSUMED GENDER ROLES GOES SOUTH WHEN THE FILM’S ALLEGED COMEDY VEERS INTO PARODY ONLY TO CRASH INTO CLICHÉ AND PUN TERRITORY.
There’s something about the set pieces, the extras, and the composition of scenes that feels contrived; perhaps the culture war happening on social media has skewed my perception of certain visual insertions. Who knows? Still, the action is somehow repetitive. The overuse of the same pun/ joke/double entendre gets tiresome. I appreciate all the fun cameos, but come on, even that gets redundant. As a romance writer I should appreciate these two ending up together, but nope. Despise all the syrupy lines and googly eyes, it’s forced as fook.
The least stinky of all the doodies, it still gets one cactus middle finger rate. If you know, you know.
INDIANA JONES & THE DIAL OF DESTINY
Talking about redundant; what can be more so than resurrecting a dead franchise for money? Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) was panned to filth, so who exactly asked for a fifth installment? Lucas Film is trying to sell us a big-ass black and white, bunny-eared antenna TV just because vinyl records are fashionable again. Not the same thing at all. But in an age of self-insertion, lack of imagination, and forced inclusion discourse, what did we expect? Hollywood ain’t doing much on behalf of the elderly from the dangly bits persuasion; your religion, gender, skin color, and sexuality only matter if you’re young and beautiful(ish).
SOMEHOW, THE WRITERS THINK DECONSTRUCTION MEANS BLOWING UP THE ESSENCE OF A CHARACTER TO SMITHEREENS. THEY DIDN’T BRING THE CASH COW OUT TO ENJOY THE GREEN GRASS, WARM SUN, AND A QUICK UDDER SQUEEZE BUT TO PUT A BULLET IN IT. THIS FILM COULD’VE BEEN A DELETED EMAIL.
You know that old theory about Raiders of the Lost Arc (1981) ending exactly the same way without Jones’s intervention? Well, this’s even worse than that. We find ourselves after a McGuffin because Double K is into franchise necromancy and Mary Sue brouhaha. There’s no actual saving the world or a loved one; just a mindless product without even the charm of being so awful it might be considered fun. All the action scenes were CGI’d so hard– they walked funny the next day. The adventures of Indiana Jones have no reason to exist without him especially not among the films of 2023. Name recognition is not transferable to some rando just because the studio says so. Oh, no, an evil (white) man wants to rewrite WW2! Bitch, please.
Not a single thing in this 2 hours and 34 minutes of dumpster fire is logical, organic, or entertaining. If you want my full thoughts on this “content” click here. Rate: 154 time-traveling middle fingers!
EXPEND4BLES
Gender as a superpower was the reason I only put the one superhero movie on this list. Most were the same repetitive crap, turning into gender/identity uber-obnoxious lectures. In this film, girls kick ass without trying to be manly/asexual; even if it’s quippy banter still feels like any of the late superhuman products. Had they dialed down the old man jokes at least 50% this would have been a lot more digestible.
THIS ACTION FILM SUFFERS FROM REVERSE ENGINEERING. SOMEONE SAW THE END WITH A TWIST VILLAIN AND WORKED THEIR WAY BACK INSTEAD OF TELLING A STORY MOVING TOWARD A RESOLUTION.
The villain and the last WTF moment were clear from the get-go. We like boom, enjoy eye-candy, cheer bad guys getting stabbed in the neck; that doesn’t mean we cannot see the effing lack of a plot here. “If Life is all about choices, Death should be about principles.” My quote, not the movie’s, and I stand by it. Had Statham’s Christmas done his job instead of going with his feelings there would be no movie; also, the supposed plan to unmask the villain would’ve gone to shit. That’s how your motive loses steam and you annoy the audience.
Only Fox and Statham were fully used here. The others were just there to be– not really clichés but (tired) archetypes. Well, I’ve never seen a motorbike chase on a cargo ship, so there’s that. Wait, Armas also let the bad guys go with the evil McGuffin; does that mean Statham was in love with Stallone too?
Brought the Ruskies and the threat of WW3, but didn’t do anything with it. Neither had the cojones to keep the dead man dead, and let a woman kill the villain; I guess this was a superhero movie after all. Rate: 2 “Smell my (middle) finger.”
WISH
Hopefully, my daddy issues have nothing to do with me liking silver foxes; my dad had less gray hair than me at my current age. With that TMI out of the way, you’ll get why King Magnifico brought us here. One look at those big eyes, winter hair, and sexy smirk had my schediaphilia flaring up. You must be wondering why I’m talking so much about myself and not about the movie. Well, there isn’t much to say about this waste of hard drive storage space.
ALLEGEDLY TO CELEBRATE DISNEY’S 100TH ANNIVERSARY (NEVER TO PANDER HARDER), THIS FILM WAS TOUTED AS THE DAWN OF A NEW RENAISSANCE.
That implied bringing back the “real” villains. The problem is– these people forgot what a true villain is; they think they’ve perfected the strong (adorkable) independent (diverse) female lead, though. Yeah, they ain’t got that one right either: just pure box-checking nonsense.
Hunky Magnifico founded a kingdom where refugees could come from all over to be safe and thrive. The entry fee, you ask? Their heart’s greatest wish. Fukken contrived, right? Never fear, citizens forget what the wish is, so they don’t miss it and live happy. King Papi even grants one of these wishes once a month. Now, because he’s a smart leader, those fulfilled wishes serve a purpose for the realm. You also give your big wish when you turn eighteen, but who the foox cares, this movie’s dumb.
Enters the so-called protagonist, Asha, a tour guide with an agenda. As an actual biracial person born in Latin America, the Afro-Hispanic label of the heroine is utter BS. I’m trying to figure out (without mental gymnastics) the Hispanic part of that made-up shite during the 1200s. I had to Google the century of the movie– now I’m even more annoyed.
To be considered Hispanic you need to be a Spanish-speaker born in the American continent. There was no such thing as “Hispanic” people in the fukkity fukken 13th century! I thought they were at least in the 1700s. Never mind. We have black elves in Middle Earth now– anything is fukken possible. Were they trying to hint at the expulsion of the Jews from Spain, calling the grandfather “Saba?” That event happened at the end of the 1400s!!!! See how easily this “masterpiece” smacks your suspension of disbelief so hard you get distracted to heck?
THE FILM MISREPRESENTS ITSELF FROM THE GET-GO, USING HASHTAGABLE BUZZ WORDS AND TRYING TO WRAP REHASHED WASHED-OUT TROPES WITH THE UGLIEST RECYCLED GIFT PAPER YOU CAN FIND THIS SIDE OF ANIMATION TOWN.
You know what? Long story short, Asha thinks she knows better than the king; then, sings her way to dethrone him with the stupidest lyrics ever. If Daddy Magnifico had been a true villain, he would’ve granted the old man’s wish then send assassins to take him out. That’s Jafar/Maleficent levels of evil. Such icons didn’t need to be possessed by a dark book (Wanda Maximoff much?) to be unspeakable. Alas, today characters cannot be accountable for awful actions; it’s always someone/something else’s fooxin’ fault.
In the end, everybody gets their wish granted– no matter how idiotic it is because why in hell’s flames not? This people obviously didn’t watch Wonder Woman 1984 (2020). Rate: All the fukken middle fingers.
DOODIES DISHONORABLE MENTIONS – Shazam! Fury of the Gods, The Last Voyage of the Demeter, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, The Exorcist: Believer, The Marvels, Transformer: Rise of the Beasts, Meg 2: The Trench, Magic Mike’s Last Dance.
Thankfully, we can go to the good stuff now.
JOHN WICK CHAPTER 4
I accidentally started my journey with Mr. Wick as you do with Star Wars: on the fourth movie. A testament to how good something is when you start at the end, immediately needing to go back for more. Of course, I knew they killed his dog, and his wife; heard about The Table and The Continental. Beyond that, I was clueless.
A WELL-CRAFTED FILM CAN STAND ON ITS OWN NO MATTER ITS NUMBER WITHIN A SAGA. MOST OF TODAY’S MEDIA CANNOT DO THAT WHILE THIS FILM DOES IT WITH BRASS COJONES AND A GROWLY VOICE.
This movie is so fooxin’ badass they don’t even bother with stupid location title cards; you’re on your own if you can’t place yourself, boy. We don’t need to know who anyone is either; we’ll learn along the way. As I said before, we like eye candy, and bad guys shot/stabbed/massacred, and we get plenty of that here. I think we get more blood in this movie than in the first Blade (1998). Sweet! The bad guys are interesting; the reluctant allies are memorable; no one feels like filler or a waste of space.
Every action/fight scene is unique in composition and pace. C’mon, we start with a horse chase in the fukken desert shot like it’s Lawrence of Arabia (1962). Why is Wick there? Who cares? Someone is going down. That’s all you need to get excited. An absolutely visually stunning piece, regardless of any darkness both real and figurative. The music and sound fit every situation; even the overused “Paint it, Black” gets a twist by using an amped-up French version. That moment when John takes off his jacket and you hear the bullets clinking as they reach the pavement. Chef Kiss!
Balls and Wisdom, that’s what we’re gifted with; so many quotable one-liners and profound conclusions on humanity. At the end of the movie my first thought was “fuck that was awesome.” My second thought was, “How can I make a joke about Kung Fu Panda and John Wick?” There’s only one answer. Rate 220 Sacré Coeur stars!
RED WHITE & ROYAL BLUE
99% OF THE TIME, BOOK ADAPTATIONS DO NOT LIVE UP TO THE SOURCE MATERIAL; THIS FILM FONDLED THE BOOK SO RIGHT IT SPURTED PURE DELIGHT.
If you don’t know it, the premise of this movie is simple; the son of the US president falls in love with Prince Spare of England. Yup. Now books can have 100 characters weaving in and out of it; movies should certainly avoid that. And that’s exactly what they did with this piece based on a beloved bestseller M/M romance. Trim characters, merge two or three a-holes into a single trashy reporter, and we’re good. Never mind the magic of Taylor Zakhar Perez’s eyelashes and Nicholas Galitzine’s pouty lips; the story is well written, with sensible pace and witty dialog. Even the spicy moments, usually depicted in graphic animalistic terms when gay men are involved, are fun and romantic.
Uma Thurman as the American President (yes, a female POTUS) is convincing as a leader and mother. I’m not so sure about her Texan accent, though. It sounds fake southern enough for me, but y’all Lonestars out there have the last say in it. All secondary characters serve their purpose with enthusiastic glee. It’s evident everybody had fun working on this project.
Technically contemporary, this could also be viewed as an alternative reality or fantasy universe. Forget a woman is leading the USA; her gay son campaigning so hard he turned Texas blue it’s so fantastical– unicorn-riding could’ve been involved. This kind of “fairy tale” might not be for everyone; yet, if you’re not only open-minded but also open-hearted it’ll just do for you too. Rate: a gold star on Michelangelo’s David’s forehead.
ASTEROID CITY
I mean, Wes Anderson, right? Some call him too artsy. Others stamp the gimmicky label all over his creations. Regardless of opinions or consensus, Anderson will always make you feel something; whether awe or disdain, there’s a reaction.
AS USUAL, THIS IS A FILM FOR THOSE WHO CAN BOTH WALK AND CHEW GUM SIMULTANEOUSLY– AT MINIMUM. ONCE YOU GET OVER THE NUMBER OF FAMOUS PEOPLE INVOLVED, YOU SETTLE DOWN FOR AN EXPLORATION OF HUMAN NATURE.
I don’t think this movie has a lead per se. It follows several stories, all full of quirky characters, but still dissecting emotion and consequences. A bunch of smart kids are united to be celebrated in the middle of the desert. You feel the Moonrise Kingdom (2012) vibes, but this is really a documentary (?) about the creation of a play; thus, the movie is divided into acts and scenes as if we’re watching a stage presentation. Conveniently, black and white scenes or Bryan Cranston as the narrator mean “reality” not the play.
Every single frame of this masterpiece, including those colorless, is like an effing painting. I’m positive each line of dialog has at least three levels of subtext too; even when the three little witches use incantations to bury their mother’s ashes. We get the government/military, a Sunday school field trip, cowboy musicians, and broken/jaded adults; all dumped by destiny or recalcitrant bus drivers and quarantined in a place where 3,000 years ago an asteroid fell. If that premise ain’t intriguing enough for you, what am I doing here? Rate: A solitary but never-alone dwarf star.
DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES
My only association with D&D is that I use its dice (dices?) to make some decisions when I’m writing. Therefore, I went into this movie clueless and with zero expectations. Well, there’s the eye-candy factor, but you should be aware of that one by now. I think I watched the one from 2000 even if my memory settles it circa 1987.
THE FANTASY GENRE IS TRICKY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THOSE BEFORE YOU. THIS FILM DOESN’T TRY TO SAVE THE WORLD. INSTEAD, IT TELLS A CONCRETE STORY– INTIMATE ENOUGH TO BE NOT ONLY ENJOYABLE BUT RELATABLE.
Thankfully the creators of this one offered something closer to Your Highness (2011) than The Lord of the Rings (2010). Just because it’s fantasy doesn’t mean it has to be serious and dramatic (looking at you Amazon); have fun with the known tropes and bring good special effects to spice it up. We follow a ragtag cluster of archetypes (’cause they really don’t function as a team) with technically one goal; although each comes to the mission with a different intention, they’re forced to unite against an unforeseen menace.
No one’s smacking you in the head with messages or lectures; we just get good ol’ entertainment. Is there a moral to the story? Of course, there is, that’s what well-written stories do: they give you something to think about after the fact. But you arrive there on your own– if you want to. Fun moments, unexpected twists, and likable characters. Rate: 3 chunky-dragon stars.
AMERICAN FICTION
This movie kicked, or to be aligned with the movie smoked Cocaine Bear from my top five of the year. Since I’m not a fan of dramedies (pick a lane, would yah?), I came to this one thinking it was comedy. It ended up being satire. The premise: a refined writer with a specific cultural background is not succeeding because he’s not entrenched ENOUGH in said cultural background. It’s like saying you aren’t Argentinean if you cannot Tango. WTF? Hold my rainbow beer. I’m gonna shoulder-check humanity.
IN AN ERA WHEN EXTREME CLICHES, LABELS, AND IDEOLOGIES SEEM TO PERVADE EVERY PIECE OF MEDIA THRUST UPON US, THIS FILM GIVES A HARD LOOK AT THE ABSURDITY OF SUCH MENTALITY, PULLING ITS METAPHORICAL EAR UNTIL IT CRIES, “UNCLE.”
If you’ve ever created anything and felt unappreciated because it didn’t conform to the optics of others, you’ll dig this movie. It’s interesting how society encourages us to be special but– within certain parameters: uniformly unique, you might say. Ain’t that an oxymoron?
This perfect satire follows a family of people successful outside but emotionally bankrupt inside. We learn about each member organically; and learn to love or hate them step by step. The characters aren’t colorful because of their ethnic background but their life experiences; how the same parents can raise three siblings in the same household as if each was in a different country.
The mostly performative adhesion to what’s trendy or “relevant” to the detriment of actual skill and effort hurts our intellect. This movie showcases things we wouldn’t normally do becoming instinctual when we are annoyed/cornered. The funniest moments are when the ludicrous becomes the norm, and your neurons scream, “Are we taking crazy pills?” Rate: 5 stars based on the novel My Pafology by Stagg R. Leigh.
GOODIES HONORABLE MENTIONS; Cocaine Bear, Saltburn, No Hard Feelings, A Haunting in Venice, Wonka, The Killer (with Michael Fassbender).
Unlike the films of 2023, let’s hope 2024 gives us jewels instead of stools.
Cheers.