This month, Old Academy Anew explores a character-driven film, Airport. I know; imagine a fifty-something-year-old movie being something fresh amid the stale propositions bombarding us today. Interestingly, this film spawned three sequels, effectively becoming the Airport Universe. And dare I say it? Every other movie set on an airplane after 1970 pays homage to this one; even the one with the potty-mouth hero and the serpents.
NATURE’S FORCES
Our movie starts with a black screen and the hubbub of a crowded terminal. A voiceover announces a flight to Los Angeles and Honolulu. The rumble of a departing airplane adds to the noise. Hundreds of passengers emerge onto the screen, and the main theme starts in earnest as the opening credits begin to roll. Said main theme jumps from ominous intro to jaunty jumble with disturbing ease; it’s distracting and engaging at once while all manner of mechanical beasts removes unrelenting snow. A span of human endeavor to release the terminal from Nature’s cold grip that takes us from day to night.
The horns and cymbals cease their roaring for a beat to allow the men in the control tower to expound flight babble. A plane is arriving, and as the lights of the tarmac become visible the music returns as if announcing that the metal bird is about to crash. By now you must have noticed that I am not a fan of the main theme of Airport. The 707 Boeing does not crash, but gets stuck ass-out veering away from the runway, rendering that lane inoperative.
USUALLY, YOU GET YOUR INCITING INCIDENT FURTHER DOWN THE TARMAC, SORRY, ROAD, BUT AIRPORT FLINGS IT AT US BEFORE MINUTE FIVE. REMEMBER, THIS IS A CHARACTER-DRIVEN FILM, THE PLOT IS JUST A THING TO UNDERSTAND THAT HITHERTO UNSEEN BUNCH.
Corrective measures are deployed: snowplows, buses for the passengers, trucks for the luggage, etc. Meanwhile, the Control Tower authorizes a departure on the other taxiway. The scene changes to a family about to pray before eating their meal. The house violently shakes in response to the plane soaring over them. It’s a barely there scene, but it’ll come back to bite us where the sun don’t shine.
We meet Mel Bakersfield (Burt Lancaster), the airport’s manager, as the tower calls to inform us they lost a runway. By his black-tie attire, he was on his way out to some event; yet, he turned back to his office to take charge of the situation. He’s getting ready to go and face the elements when he receives a call from Tanya Livingston (Jean Seberg). The original reason for calling becomes moot when she learns the stuck plane is one of hers; her reaction is solid customer service gold. “There’s bound to be a passenger with a 50-dollar-wrenched back. I’d better get there with some release forms and plenty of sympathy and understanding. May I ride with you?” Bakersfield is on his way out when the phone rings again, but he chooses to ignore it.
YOU DON’T NOTICE IT AT FIRST, BUT THE NEVER-ENDING SNOWSTORM PERMEATING AIRPORT HAS MORE TO DO WITH INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS THAN WITH NATURE. A SUBTLE HINT ABOUT THE LIVES OF MANY CHARACTERS.
That caller won’t be denied, though. Before Bakersfield and Livingston can leave the building, the PA system asks him to answer the white phone. If we go by colors, the red one beside that one should mean urgency; to Bakersfeld’s dismay, the white one only means drama. The first words of his angry wife are, “Where the hell are you?” He explains they have an emergency on the field. Her response to that? “You said you’d be home at six o’clock. You promised me you wouldn’t miss this dinner. And you promised that a week ago.”
Ah, but our boy can bitch back. “A week ago I didn’t know we’d have the worst storm in six years.” Her answer to that, you ask? “You always got some damn excuse.” Bakersfeld’s inner sigh/head-shake combo is more than obvious. He just says, “I’ll call you back,” and hangs up the phone before she can bark again.
Our duo gets in action as soon as they arrive: Livingston to handle passengers and Bakersfield to assess the damage. The man in charge explains the pilot’s plan to move the plane; he has a different solution, but it has to wait until the next day. That’s a no-go because their two runways need to be functional unless they close the terminal.
Bakersfield calls Joe Patroni (George Kennedy), who’s an expert on Boeing shenanigans. Patroni says he’s not interested or available to fix that problem. Our hero begs, “Joe I need you right away. I got fourteen on the ground and eighteen stacked upstairs!” Patroni stops kissing his wife to respond. “And I’ve got our five kids stacked away at my mother’s so that me and Marie can be alone for a while.”
BAKERSFIELD PROCLAIMS THAT ONLY A GENIUS LIKE PATRONI CAN HANDLE THIS AWFUL SITUATION. PATRONI’S “HOLD THE WHIPPED CREAM. I’VE JUST HAD DESSERT” IN RESPONSE IS ALL WE NEED TO KNOW TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. SADLY, THE SMART DIALOG IN AIRPORT IS A SHINY EXAMPLE OF THE THINGS WE DON’T HAVE ANYMORE.
The contrast between Patroni’s and Bakersfeld’s wives is so stark is not even funny. She’s disappointed he has to go, but these situations are called now Patronis instead of emergencies. There’s love and fervor as he growly kiss-promises he’ll be back soon. Not gonna lie— he left me a little turned on.
We abandon that cozy, loving household and return to the frigid field. Livingston tells Bakersfield the initial reason for her call. The “snow clearance” committee met earlier that day and bitched about Bakersfeld’s handling of the situation. Chief among the bitchers was his own brother-in-law; a man who, according to our hero, never misses an opportunity to knife him.
Another change of scenery and we are faced with a picket line. Now, these are not workers but residents of a suburban project near the airport. Remember the praying family and their shaking house? That group wants the airport to stop using the only taxiway available right now. It has a number, but I’m not going to trouble you with that information. Them teeth are ready for Bakersfeld’s ass as he observes and gets berated by one of his bosses. Is it an actual “picket line” if the people in it aren’t really workers on strike? No connection to the current writers/actors’ current strike. #justsaying
Let’s do a quick summary of all the shit on Bakersfield up to this point. Unrelenting snowstorm. Airplane ass out blocking a runway. Bitch wife. Nearby residents with signs posing for the news. And we’re about to meet his nemesis-slash-brother-in-law. Dude, we’re not even 15 minutes into the movie and there’s more to come. Get ready.
HUMAN NATURE
AIRPORT WON’T DUMB DOWN ITS TECHNO-BABBLE FOR THE VIEWERS’ BENEFIT. IT DOESN’T MATTER AT THE END OF THE DAY— ONE IS TOO INVESTED TO CARE ABOUT SUCH MINUTIAE.
As Bakersfield is about to leave the chanting, sign-holding residents, a woman calls him; she’s in a car on the drop-off lane. It’s his sister, and she’s brought her pilot husband early to avoid getting stuck in traffic by the storm. The asshole’s greeting to Bakersfield? “First I thought they were pilots picketing you. I was all set to join them.” Vernon Demerest (Dean Martin) is as delightful as stubbing your big toe in the dark. The ensuing exchange is another example of epic dialog with an abundance of subtext and sass.
Still, Demerest is sweet to his wife and asks what he could bring her from Rome. She’s happy with just him returning safely— although, a pair of white gloves will be appreciated. “Size six and a half, right?” She counters, smiling, “No. I’m the one who wears seven and a half.” They kiss goodbye, and Demerest throws some dismissive comments as he leaves the siblings. The sister asks her brother for patience, and we learn interesting things about the couple before he departs. I am intrigued and engaged.
Wife gone, Demerest takes a cab. We soon discover he’s on his way to his mistress. Gwen Meighen (a young and stunningly beautiful Jacqueline Bisset) is one of the stewardesses for his flight. He tries to incite her into hanky-panky. She refuses citing the lack of time, and he cleverly uses aero babble to express his disappointment. Fukko hates Bakersfield, but is truly charming with the ladies; I’ll give him that. Still, the way she retreats inward when he leaves to wash some dishes is frankly odd. Something is afoot.
HUMAN CONNECTIONS AND HOW THOSE HAVE WIDER EFFECTS THAN OUR IMMEDIATE VICINITY IS ONE OF THE CORE ELEMENTS OF AIRPORT.
Our boy Patroni is stuck in a snowy traffic jam. The situation is getting so dire Bakersfield is ready to send the Highway Patrol to get him out of there. Before he could go to snuff another fire, Livingston catches him with a warning to rest. Apparently, he had been at it for three days straight. She offers to bring him some food and drink but reminds him to call his wife. Damn you, woman! Why do you have to be so nice?
His daughters get all excited when he calls since he’s rarely home. Angry wife dismisses the girls to start another bitchfest. She insists he can still make it to the event and explodes when he implies an all-nighter. “In the past month, you’ve scheduled me for seven of those charity wing-dings. And I have made it to four of them. That’s not a bad batting average.”
“I’m not a ball game where you keep score. I’m your wife!” she bitches.
“Well, try to remember it and think of my position for a change,” he barks back. Now he’s getting angry because she retorts about this one being different— her father will be there. The argument is peppered with scenes of them going at it. You see, wife is one of them socialites, a daddy’s girl, annoyed that Bakersfield is not kotowing to the elite. And because he hung up on her last time, she hangs up on him after an ill-disguised threat.
When it rains it pours… What would be the equivalent of snow? Forget food and drink; Bakersfield needs to run back to the stuck airplane ’cause Demerest is there running his mouth and meddling.
AIRPORT GIVES US MANY GREAT PERFORMANCES BUT NONE IS MORE CONVINCING THAN DEAN MARTIN’S. HE’S BEEN IN THE MOVIE FOR LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES AND YOU ALREADY WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE— HARD.
Fresh from one recalcitrant byotch our hero has to deal with another. Brother-in-law’s temper tantrum concludes with, “I’m not cutting back on power over those houses. So unless you want a big, fat bill for cracked plaster and broken dishes, you’d better move this thing.”
Meanwhile, Livingston’s assistant brings her a stowaway from Los Angeles. It happens to be a sweet old lady, Ada Quonsett (Helen Hayes); a widow, who gets on planes when she feels like visiting her daughter and grandchildren in New York. She knows the airline won’t send her to jail— just imagine the headlines. This granny is fukken awesome, and she will become so important to the story at large that it is iconic.
All the key players have not shown up yet, but I’m going to stop here. I seriously, honestly, and profusely want you to watch this movie if you haven’t.
FORCE MAJEURE
Yes, there’s a bomb on the plane Demerest co-pilots. Epic Granny finds her way onto that plane through trickery. There are priests nuns and men in military uniforms. This is cataloged as a disaster movie, but it’s way more than that. It’s about humans; really messed up humans. And I’m not spoiling anything— the bomb and the stowaway are in the blurb for the movie.
IN AIRPORT, WHAT PEOPLE SAY IS ONLY ONE-HALF OF THE MESSAGE. WE’RE ENGAGED IN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT’S BEHIND THEIR WORDS. AND THOSE ALWAYS TAKE US TO UNEXPECTED CONCLUSIONS.
Nevertheless, the thing we do here is wonder if a remake of this movie would be feasible today. The answer is a massive FUCK NO. First, you’d need to contend with technology; landlines and radios are the staple of their interactions. There’s a tension and a distance unachievable if you have a little gadget that can even locate your exact position at all times.
Next, Hollywood barely knows how to write human beings right now. People are a list of things they need to be, sorry, represent— instead of actual emotional entities. And I’m not talking about characters talking about their feelings ad nauseam, but logical reactions to experiences. Also, men are not allowed to be manly, so at least one main character gets gender-switcheroo.
Honestly, the only character I could see in a proper gender-swap is Joe Patroni due to his personality. But we know the awesome scriptwriters would turn the character into a butch, man-hating, zero-charm, probably non-binary, buzzword-something mess. Dude, I’m gay, and I don’t want everything to be gay. Plus the main airline’s name Trans Global would be maligned as “problematic.”
Also in a post-9/11 aviation world, most of the cogs needed to have the stowaway and the bomb in place are basically impossible. I cannot see Hollywood having the wherewithal to overcome that hurdle. Now, you could remake the movie in a timeline before that September, but then you couldn’t have the forced diversity and inclusion allegedly needed by modern audiences.
IT’D TAKE AN EXTRAORDINARILY SKILLFUL WRITER TO UNITE THE COLORS OF BENETTON SLASH BRIDGERTON A FILM-LIKE AIRPORT IN AN ORGANIC WAY.
So, no; of all the things resurrected in the name of lazy writing and lack of imagination, this film would not be one of those.
I’m giving Airport 9 out of 10 because the music was just obnoxious.
Airport (1970) is available to rent or purchase at Amazon.com
