Today’s list (rant, declaration) is based on my enjoyment of these films, regardless of box office or critical acclaim. The pandemic changed the way we consumed movies; it got us used to watch them from home without that much fuss. Probably the best part was not dealing with expensive crappy concession options. Nevertheless, some people need the big ass screen, the pricey tickets, and morons thumping their feet on their backs. Luckily, I’m not one of those and streamed the heck out of the following entries. Disclaimer: We’re not doing 10/10. The rating system for The Goodies & Doodies List is stars for the goodies and middle fingers for the doodies. Also: spoilers, swearing disguised as puns, and dad jokes.
As grandma De La Parra used to say about the news in the fabled mountains of San Cornelio, “Bad ones first. Mah day already fawked.”
MOONFALL
Our first doodie has an identity problem. The premise: the Moon has lost its orbit and will soon collide with Earth. Can’t make it simpler than that. Yet the movie doesn’t know if it wants to be a conspiracy drama, disaster movie, or sci-fi origin story. On top of that; it also wants to gobble on so many product placement dongs you would expect the last scene to be a pearl necklace. I mean the current owner of the bird app is mentioned twice with relish and awe. And let’s not forget that government which shan’t be named infiltrating and influencing via bucks; not just how movies are made but what’s portrayed in them. Some people might be offended by communism but how they love its gold.
MOONFALL ISN’T THE WORST OFFENDER OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST, BUT DIRECTOR EMMERICH CANNOT PLAY INTO HIS MOST OBNOXIOUS HITS AND THINK WE’RE NOT GOING TO BLAST HIM FOR THAT.
As a disaster movie, the visuals are simply spectacular; you’re enveloped by both the beauty and menace of the elements turning against humanity. Until people open their mouths and the cringe-inducing dialog takes you back to a story told from the wrong perspectives. Patrick Wilson’s character is a rehash of hundreds of other mistreated heroes who show up for the last Hail Mary. Halle Berry’s gay bait in the first part of the movie isn’t just misleading but disrespectful; that, or the three writers have no frigging clue of how story structure works. And what was that annoying accent Berry was trying to pull off? Geesh.
The film has its moments, but those few are trampled by others following unnecessary detours thanks to flimsy subplots. Oh no, the authorities knew this could happen all along. OMG, the military wants to use nukes. Lord have mercy, the wacky sidekick sacrifices himself for the mission…
The story of the (for no logical reason) evil AI would have been a lot more interesting, but— that’s been done too. RATE: TWO MIDDLE FINGERS for repetitive repetitions.
LIGHTYEAR
And speaking of out-of-this-world shenanigans. The premise: A group of humans get stranded on a faraway planet, which has everything for their survival, but it’s not very welcoming. I really enjoyed this movie on the first view; when I went for a second view, plot holes started to emerge. Then I remember this is, one: a kid’s movie, and two: a movie allegedly made in 1995. My mind settled down with that time reference. I was an adult in the real 1995, and I watched many movies like this one. They were about the spectacle— the marvel of space exploration and not necessarily about plot consistency or character development.
DESPISE ITS PLOT CONTRIVANCES, THIS OTHERWORLDLY MEMBER OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LISTS IS ACTUALLY FOCUSED ON ITS CHARACTERS, NOT ONLY THE LEAD BUT ALL THOSE WHO HAVE A MOMENT TO SHINE ON SCREEN.
Buzz Lightyear (voiced by Chris Evans) is a man alone— in his approach to duty, life, and relationships. He might like and trust his commander, but that is the exception that confirms the rule. Not even 8 minutes into the movie, a rookie offers help during the inciting incident, and Buzz declines. When asked if he is sure, his answer is, “I’m Buzz Lightyear. I’m always sure.” If those six words don’t show who this man is, I don’t know what could.
The humans need to create a fuel MacGuffin to leave the planet, and Buzz is determined to make it happen. Nevertheless, every trial implies losing years around others. Because time is barely passing for him, his goal remains unchanged; the others accept their lot in life, embracing the complicated planet after generations have died and been born there.
PIXAR STUDIOS HAS ALWAYS KNOWN HOW TO HIT YOU IN THE FEELS— HARD. THIS FINALIST OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST MIGHT NOT KNOCK YOU OUT; THAT DOESN’T MEAN THE COUPLE OF JABS YOU GET WON’T LEAVE YOU WRECKED.
We only get glimpses of those generations learning to cope with the planet. There’s never a name for that home they longed to return to. We don’t know if they were coming from or going somewhere. Their reason for being on that ship in the first place has no bearing in the overall arch of the story. We are here to follow Buzz Lightyear. He was already a hero when the film began, so we are here to tag along on his journey to become human.
RATE: FOUR-STAR COMMAND STARS. They were originally three, but any movie with an endearing mechanical feline gets upgraded automatically. Socks the cat rules!
THE SECRETS OF DUMBLEDORE
The third installment of the Fantastic Beasts franchise brought a known villain with a new face and nothing else. The premise: politics? Wizarding World fans hopefully awaited a better movie than the meandering The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018); they were left bereft, confused (and probably angry) by an even more scattered mess of a product.
MANY PREQUELS ARE MERE CASH GRABS; WE ALREADY KNOW HOW THE STORY ENDS, BUT THAT IN ITSELF ISN’T A BAD THING. ALAS, THIS FANTASTIC MEMBER OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST IS UNABLE TO SET THE COURSE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION (AND TIME FRAME) TO TAKE US SAFELY TO A HAPPY CONCLUSION.
The Secrets of Dumbledore ain’t the first and won’t be the last film mired in external caca while in production. It’s not even the only one on this list, and yet many others have ended with perfectly decent outcomes. How do you mess up your own creation? Well, that’s for JKR to know and for us to wonder.
Jude Law and Mads Mikkelsen are as imposing as Dumbledore and Grindelwald. The fact that Warner Bros couldn’t really commit to their shared history of love and deception is disturbing. Think of all the shoehorned gay characters inserted in recent movies; it seems a disservice not to embrace these two bigger-than-life men. Eddie Redmayne had been relegated to a wacky secondary character in his own franchise since the second movie; we’re not even going to bother with him. The political intrigue is boring; the magic is weak; the characters are bland because they’ve been hijacked by the studio pandering to an eastern mega marketplace.
The thing is— there’s no story in this film; zero plot; zilch in logic; nada as an overarching path to resolution. RATE: THREE MAGICAL MIDDLE FINGERS for wasting our time.
WEDDING SEASON
After the previous nada, we head for a better place. The premise: meddlesome parents create profiles for their kids on a website for arranged marriage candidates. Regardless of your position about the practice, as long as both parties are of legal age, I see nothing wrong with it. Their divorce rate is only 4% as of 2021 in the United States, while “love matches” have a staggering 40-50%. So yeah, let that one sink in. Now, the movie’s plot is nothing new, but the execution, the writing, and the characters are. Chef kiss.
BOTH LEADS DISPLAY TONS OF CHARISMA AND VULNERABILITY IN THIS SHINING STAR OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST, SOMETHING YOU RARELY SEE EVEN IN ROMANTIC MOVIES NOWADAYS.
Disclaimer: I’m a huge Bollywood fan. The thing is, the protagonists are both born-in-America Indians, but this is not a Bollywood-style romance. It’s truly more Hallmark Channel than Yash Raj Films; yet here, all that Hallmark cheese is whatever the most expensive cheese is— don’t ask me for a name; it’s just a metaphor.
Asha (Pallavi Sharda) and Ravi (Suraj Sharma) are effing adorable. Yes, the “let’s pretend we’re dating so they leave us the feck alone” has been done innumerable times, Nevertheless, these two have real struggles and situations pulling them away from investing time in a relationship; still, they have the weight of tradition and familial love pressuring them to be happy. Well, that version of happiness associated with the bullet list of milestones you’re supposed to accomplish before a certain age. Most parents want a future brighter than theirs for their kids. Sometimes those same parents think there’s a single style of brightness even when you’ve found your own way to shine.
The last wedding of the season is Asha’s sister, Priya, to Nick, an American ginger hunk who happens to be a neurosurgeon. As the older sister, Asha should have been the first to get married, but her engagement imploded so, yeah. To navigate the incoming ocean of Indian weddings, she enlists Ravi after their (parent-created-profiles prompted) meeting failed. Bound to encounter each other in those weddings anyway, why not kill two sets of parents with one lie?
WEDDING SEASON IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HOW TO KEEP A ROMANTIC COMEDY INTERESTING AS THE FILM FULFILLS ALL THE ESTABLISHED REQUIREMENTS OF THE GENRE. EVEN THE SECONDARY CHARACTERS OF THIS MEMBER OF THE GOODIES AND DOODIES LIST ARE NOT ONLY ENGAGING BUT ALSO INTERESTING.
The running gag of Nick trying to be more Indian than the actual Indians is hilarious and endearing at the same time. The man is a handsome neurosurgeon for crying out loud, but he still believes he’s not good enough for Priya’s parents because he’s not Indian. We also see interfaith marriages along the season, and one particular story still makes my eyes well up.
Tropes exist for a reason; sometimes movies overcook them, but in this case, they’re expertly seasoned and delivered. RATE: FOUR BINDI STARS.
UNCHARTED
Since I’m not a gamer I cannot judge this movie as a videogame adaptation. Now, that clump of neurons still functional in my big melon allows me to evaluate it as a story. The premise: Tom Holland is the MacGuffin to find a lost treasure. That’s it. The whole thing rides on the coattails of Holland’s tight-onesie swinging appeal; nothing else. Even I know that Nathan Drake is a grown-ass man, not a barely-able-to-grow-a-beard kid. And to make matters worse, Director Fleischer’s only instruction to Holland was apparently, “Play. Peter. Parker.”
A PRETTY MOVIE WITH GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE AND STUNNING VISUALS, THIS “ACTION PACK” MEMBER OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST IS A VAPID ATTEMPT AT DEPTH WITH NARY A FOOK TO GIVE ABOUT STORYTELLING OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
Hey, we all love blockbusters with explosions and parkour and sexy ladies; still, how many times are you going to repeat yourself within your 116-minute runtime? By the third betrayal, that shite ain’t a twist anymore! Holland and Wahlberg have the chemistry of two cucumbers waiting to be bought in the produce section of Kroger. The former Marky Mark hasn’t played anything but himself since the early 2000s, and very few can get away with that. Looking at you, Deadpool. You bring Antonio Effing Banderas to play a villain and do nothing with him; his reasoning for pursuing the lost treasure is not even flimsy— just ridiculous Daddy Issues.
Each character “back story” felt like a contrived afterthought. Uncharted is more focused on what I assume are callbacks to the imagery of the game. Just because a movie is an adaptation from another medium does not mean it shouldn’t make sense on its own.
Suspension of disbelief isn’t enough to enjoy this movie; you need to shut down large cognitive sections of your brain. RATE: FOUR RAGING MIDDLE FINGERS for daring to think it could get a sequel.
WEREWOLF BY NIGHT
And speaking of backstories. The premise: Monster Hunter Patriarch dies and his legacy is up for grabs. Ironic that one of the best from Marvel this year is something resembling stuff from the last century. Alas, that makes sense up to a point; last century humanity had different problems and different agendas…
THE SHORTEST RUNTIME OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST PACKS THE MOST STORY AND PLOT WITH BELIEVABLE SUBTEXT AND GORY ELEGANCE.
Werewolf by Night doesn’t concern itself with its characters’ origins; it encourages you to infer from dialog and action. Its diverse cast doesn’t feel shoehorned or filling a quota. I’m absolutely positive most people would love to know more about them. Shame they all (spoiler alert) joined Big Daddy Hunter wherever he went. Certainly not Heaven, probably Valhalla if we let the runes they use guide us. Although, Thor: Love & Thunder (2022) effed up the known guidelines for Viking Warrior’s Final Destination. So, who knows?
The cultish behavior of the assembled hunters adds an extra layer of darkness to the whole endeavor. Here to battle out for the Mystical MacGuffin; their loyalties to one another die as soon as they enter the labyrinth for the prize.
Enters Elsa (Laura Donnelly), the blood heir of Dead Daddy. Her interaction with her father’s widow gives exposition in a way that feels so organic you relish it. You’re not going to finish this film bloated and disgusted by the forceful info dump. Here your senses are enticed, your neurons seduced, and your intelligence stimulated. She’s not supposed to be there, but be sure Daddy Issues aren’t on her top five reasons to show up.
Another with undisclosed reasons to be there beyond the bloody MacGuffin is Jack (Gael Garcia Bernal). He looks like a hunter and talks like a hunter. Alas, shit’s gonna go down when the others find out he’s the thing that is not like the others.
THIS FINALIST OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST IS THE ONLY BLACK-AND-WHITE ENTRY OF THE BUNCH, AND ITS AESTHETIC IS NOT A GIMMICK, FAR FROM IT— IT’S TRIBUTE.
I mean, to make the titular monster hot is not an easy feat, and they pull it off. Even entrenched in the period it’s set to portray, this film doesn’t end with the beginnings of a cheesy romance; neither with someone poised to seek vengeance/justice in a sequel as basically every other Marvel product. It’s a self-contained delight. Yes, many things could and should be done with those left alive. Hopefully, when those happen they’ll keep their deliciously organic components.
RATE: FOUR BLOODY STARS. It could have honestly been five, but the effing gore bludgeoned one-off.
DON’T WORRY DARLING
First of all: grammar. Are you telling your darling not to worry or you’re telling someone not to worry your darling? Commas exist for a reason. The premise: Incel gets the girl and then doesn’t know what to do with her? Shit, did I give the “epic” twist away? Deep breath. Who cares? If you haven’t seen it yet, you’re not going to anyway.
STYLISH AND SUPPOSEDLY ENIGMATIC, THIS ARROGANT FINALIST OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST TRIES HARD, KNOWING NO AMOUNT OF NOSTALGIA AND PRETTY COLORS CAN COMPENSATE FOR ITS THIN PLOT.
We never learn the geographical location. By the scenery, one calculates some arid places around Nevada or California. What DWD forces on us is the time frame, and yet that is the first clue that something’s off. Apartheid was a thing. And I’m using that word on purpose. Mixed-race couples living in harmony wasn’t a thing in the 1950s USA. They didn’t call it the A word, but it was the same thing. Funnily enough, I don’t think that historical incongruence is intentional. After all the “to reflect the world we live in today” BS running around Hollywood nothing surprises me; the true conditions of the human experience during certain periods of time are basically irrelevant.
Everybody looks beautiful in this movie; even Nick Kroll, who usually looks like a disgruntled chameleon, looks pretty. Florence Pugh is a goddess, and I’m sorry she had to go through all the drama surrounding this dumpster fire of a film. I don’t believe in Harry Styles as an actor. You have to be really shitty when people think you’re faking your own actual accent. I’m gonna let that one sink in. Oh, it’s artsy; it leaves you questioning things. Well, I only had one question. What the fookity fook I just watched?
The “weird things” happening in this “psychological thriller” are the equivalent of jump scares in a B horror flick. Nothing of consequence happens until the last 20 minutes; therefore, the denouement is rushed, incongruent, and boring. RATE: FOUR METAPHYSICAL MIDDLE FINGERS for the hubris.
SEE HOW THEY RUN
MYSTERY WELL DONE. YES, I ALREADY USED THE CULINARY METAPHOR, BUT NOW IT’S AT THE BEGINNING NOT THE END, SO THAT MUST ACCOUNT FOR SOMETHING. AND THIS FINALIST OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST DESERVES IT BECAUSE IT’S UNIQUE IN THEME AND RESOLUTION.
The premise: American dick, I mean the director, is murdered before his adaptation of a play begins production. The play is based on an Agatha Christie story, and this film mirrors the style of Mrs. Christie’s books.
Set in 1953 in London, the aftermath of WWII still echoes throughout British society. One of the most annoying echoes is the incorporation of women into the workforce; they proved their mettle during the war and now that men are back home… Well, the world needs to move forward instead of backward. In our story, this almost vexing modernization of the Metropolitan Police Force comes in the form of Constable Stalker. I’m so used to Saoirse Ronan playing a teenager, it took me a moment to accept her as a grown woman; but, once that hurdle was met her performance soared in my eyes.
Mother of two and eager to make the world a better place, Constable Stalker’s enthusiasm smashes against a wall of apathy; the patriarchal police ain’t enthused by her presence. Then she encounters her future partner in the most rom-com way possible outside of an actual rom-com. Inspector Stoppard (Sam Rockwell) is not amused, neither by her eagerness nor her rookie adherence to the rules. Stoppard goes through life-solving mysteries because that’s the only thing he’s good at, but just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you do it brilliantly and with passion. He’s the dark Yin to Stalker’s bright Yang even if in the ancient tradition those roles are reversed.
THIS MYSTERIOUS MEMBER OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LISTS DEALS WITH THEATER PEOPLE, AND THE CAST EMBRACES ALL THE CLICHES ASSOCIATED WITH THE CRAFT IN THE MOST RAMBUNCTIOUS AND EXTRAVAGANT WAY POSSIBLE TO TRANSCEND INTO HILARIOUS CARTOONS OF THE TROPE.
Adrien Brody plays the dead dick, I mean director, and his American Jerk Persona is spot on. He’s the narrator, and he sees his own death coming. “This is a Whodunit and the most unlikable character always gets bumped off.” His words, not mine.
Visually enchanting, you’re front and center to a London that is charming but almost bucolic in the way it teases you. You know you’re in a huge metropolis, and yet nothing feels rushed or chaotic; there’s no sense of impending doom, so when bad things happen, they’re not only unexpected but welcome.
The film will keep you guessing while you laugh, but don’t be mistaken; this might be a comedy but it’s also a very well-crafted mystery. You’d want to go back and rewatch it just to spot all the clues that were there all along.
RATE: FOUR STARS. Really close to five stars; yet, something about the visual style keeps me feeling like the movie was set in the Seventies, not the Fifties. It bothered me a bit.
BLACK ADAM
Dwayne Johnson’s vanity project completion after a decade of edging. The premise: Ancient hero awakes to save his people. Well, he doesn’t wake up on his own, some woman does it when mercenaries are about to kill her.
PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WOULD WANT YOU TO BELIEVE BLACK ADAM SAYS “HE’S NOT A HERO” EVERY FIVE MINUTES, IT ONLY HAPPENS TWICE. STILL, THERE’S A LOT OF TELLING AND VERY LITTLE OF SHOWING IN THE LAST STINKY OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST.
Imagine how little I knew about Black Adam that I was confusing him with the Black Tom of Deadpool 2 (2018). The wrestler formerly known as The Rock is another of those suddenly thriving specimens of actors who only play themselves; consequently, he looks constipated for most of the film since he can’t be his usual goofy self. The gravitas he strains to project is risible. We have seen him working with kids before, and the John Connors wannabe assigned as his sidekick does nothing but remind us of the musclehead’s better performances.
Another unique precious metal. Returning esoteric beings granting powers for vague reasons. Newbies joining a team of seasoned heroes because why not. A rebellion against foreign tyranny that should not need a messiah to happen. Nothing, not a single thing in this film is new or unexplored. I didn’t wet my pants watching Shazam! (2019), but Black Adam— not even a slight twitch. Although, Zachary Levi fills up that onesie quite nicely— and has way more charisma after receiving the same stupid powers.
As a superhero product, this film is not the worst offender, but the special effects lack grace; the story hangs from tenuous motivations— smelling more of agenda and propaganda than a purposeful narration; the characters don’t act (or even react) like real people; even Viola Davis’s Amanda Walker plays it even more cartoonish than usual. I was not amused.
RATE: ALL THE MIDDLE FINGERS because I wanted to love this byotch, but my enjoy-meter only beeped when Henry Cavill showed up. For two seconds. In the mid-credits.
EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE
From ancient resurrected cinematic universes, I mean, ancient resurrected superheroes— to actual (properly done) multiverses.
THERE’S A REASON FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE CROWN JEWEL OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST. ZERO PLOT HOLES IN THIS MASTERPIECE: I DIDN’T SEE ONE, AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK FOR SOME. DO NOT EVEN DARE TO POINT THEM OUT IF YOU ENCOUNTER ANY.
The premise: Of the myriad versions of an individual across the universes only one can keep the fabric of reality together; it happens to be the one version who’s never accomplished anything in their life. Imagine Doctor Strange showing that sole index finger to Tony Stark as the battle rages around them. This person is that solitary digit. Goosebumps. Then snickers.
The first time I watched this film, its first 10 to 15 minutes bored the hell out of me. I know that even action movies (the well-scripted ones at least) need time to establish characters before the inciting incident. But those were a dozen or so minutes of proper family drama; I fukken hate drama on principle and familial ones in particular. But boy oh boy was I heading for a rude awakening that slapped me hard in the face and ass and punched me in the guts by the end of it. At its core, Everything Everywhere All at Once is a family drama; yet, it wears the kickass leather jacket of action movies like it’s a motherfreaking second skin. Every fight scene is superbly choreographed; the use of surrounding stuff as unexpected weapons is astonishing. I dare you to show me another film capable of making a dildo/butt plug fight epic and hilarious at the same time.
Michelle Yeoh delivers in every movie, regardless of genre or time period. She excels as a protagonist torn between a boring marriage, cultural/familial duties, and financial struggles. Her hero’s journey is bumpy as fukk, and that’s exactly what makes us root for her. She isn’t prepared. Infallible is not a thing in her vocabulary. Strong is a concept she barely understands.
INSIDE ITS FRENETICALLY CHAOTIC EXTERIOR, THE LAST ENTRY OF THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST HAS A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE OF INCLUSION AND ACCEPTANCE. IT’S SUBTLETY SO FOREIGN TO TODAY’S MEDIA, I TRULY HOPE IT ONLY WENT OVER A TINY PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE’S HEADS.
When our heroine finally decides to make her stand, we cheer. We’ve seen her struggle to get there, and we know shit’s still ahead. But we cannot praise this movie without giving a standing ovation to Ke Huy Quan. The original child sidekick (Short Round in Indiana Jones) is now a grown man. He’s the husband, the father— the pillar of this film; his Waymond Wang is a thing of beauty. If you don’t want a T-shirt with WHAT WOULD WAYMOND DO by the end of the experience: you broken.
Everything Everywhere All at Once is an extremely visual movie; the kind you need to watch several times to be able to absorb all it has to offer properly. The dialog is succinct, to the point, and enlightening. Nevertheless, it’s in its silent moments that you discover the true magic within. Technology to create and people’s ability to handle certain imagery have changed over time; as a love letter to 80s and 90s action movies with a family drama core, the film uses those changes to its utmost advantage.
The cries about gender agendas, forced diversity, ableism, etc. follow us everywhere these days. This film has lesbians, ethnic recalcitrant parents, and insufferable Caucasian public servants, and yet none of that shit was in the marketing. Because these people are not labels. These individuals are the ingredients to create the story. Each brings its own virtues, flaws, and baggage. We get invested in human beings, not check marks on some bogus list. That is the beauty of Everything Everywhere All at Once. RATE: A DOUBLE DOSE OF FIVE STARS WITH A SINGLE GOOGLY EYE ON TOP.
Yes. Yes. Well done, Slytherins, but I still have some last-minute stars and middle fingers to give.
HONORABLE MENTIONS ON THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST GO TO: BROS, THE BUBBLE, THE SCHOOL OF GOOD AND EVIL, ROSALINE, THE LOST CITY, AND TURNING RED.
Obviously, we still have some middle fingers to release into the wild.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS ON THE GOODIES & DOODIES LIST GO TO: DOCTOR STRANGE & THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS, MORBIUS, NOT OKAY, THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT, 355, JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION, AND FALLING FOR CHRISTMAS.
And those are my ten movies of the year 2022. Check the goodies and forget the doodies. Have a healthy and successful New Year.
Cheers.