Boy, oh boy. It sure seems our girl USA is going back to live in those idyllic times of Old Hollywood glamour. Stuff we thought dealt and done is coming back to haunt us with a vengeance. What can I say? Hauntings are not cute— no matter how you spin them. This month, Old Academy Anew explores the 1800s from a 1954 musical perspective via 2022 lenses with the un-PC adventures of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Henceforth Seven Brides ‘cause I ain’t writing that nonsense again and again.
Since many of the films we have explored so far are based on stage plays, you would think this particular musical extravaganza had theatrical origins; it doesn’t.
WHATEVER STAGE MUSICALS YOU’VE HEARD OF WERE ADAPTED AFTER THE SEVEN BRIDES FILM SUCCESS
As a big fan of Bollywood, I do not mind music in my movies, but I rarely watch actual musicals; beware this is a one-off, not something that might keep happening. You have been warned.
THE GOOD
You could speculate (and fantasize) a lot about seven strapping gingers coop up in the mountains all by their lonesome. Alas, this is not that kind of movie; couldn’t be that kind of movie in 1954, maybe not even today. Still, this one is weird to me because from the first song, it has a very Disney-ish quality. It brings to mind the vocal stylings of those first animated movies from the now megacorporation. “Bless Your Beautiful Hide,” the song that jettisons the whole enchilada is particularly catchy. I had it stuck in my head for several hours because I stopped the movie around it to do something. Huge mistake.
IN ALL HONESTY, SEVEN BRIDES FEELS LIKE AN ANIMATED MOVIE TURNED LIVE-ACTION.
The songs, the choreography, even the costumes— everything feels like it originated in a cartoon nightmare and someone decided to make it real. Visually stunning, but harping on the extravagant to accomplish its purpose.
Adam Pontipee (Howard Keel), a grisly-bearded, ginger landowner, get to town to trade goods. A woman crosses his path as he’s about to enter the general store, and she does not like the way he looks at her. Once inside, after the lady owner announces the weight of his load, Adam asks, “How much is the beaver worth this year?” Every single pun was intended. They knew what they were doing. Big Red will trade the beaver for a new plow, two tubs of lard, a barrel of molasses, and twenty-five pounds of chewing tobacco… Then he adds, “And you wouldn’t have a wife under the counter there? I’m looking for a wife.”
Husband owner chuckles. “Any special brand?”
Unfazed, Adam retorts, “Well, yes. I’d like best a widow woman that ain’t afraid to work. There are seven of us men. Me and my six brothers. The place is like a pigsty and the food taste worse. So I made up my mind, next time I come into town to trade I’m gonna bring me back a wife.”
The lady owner is not amused and berates him, finishing with words of almost prophetical firmness. “None of our gals is going to go off to bear country with you to cook and wash and slave for seven slumocky backwoodsmen.”
SEVEN BRIDES ISN’T AFRAID TO DO MATH. WE GET THE RATIO OF FEMALE TO MALE POPULATION TO ENLIGHTEN US TO ADAM’S DILEMMA: ONE GAL FOR EVERY TEN DUDES.
Adam wonders if there aren’t any unmarried females in that town. By the magic of movies, the bell over the door jingles, treating us to the entrance of four nubile options. “What about these?” he asks.
“They are spoken for,” supplies husband owner.
“Oh, just spoken for. You had me scared. A lady can change her mind, can’t she?”
“Don’t waste your time. You won’t find a girl in this town to marry you,” lady owner insists.
Adam crosses his arms and tells her that when he puts his mind to something he gets it. Whether it is plowing twenty acres in a day or dropping a tree within an inch of where he wants it. “I’m here today to get me a wife. I don’t aim to go back empty-handed.” He exits the general store in search of his prey, I mean, wife.
“Bless your beautiful hide” starts, and as I said before it’s a catchy tune. Alas, the lyrics will be an absolute PR nightmare for the studios if that song debuted today. I mean, there are way more descriptive/crass songs coming out every day, but it’s who’s singing it: an old white dude. Can’t have one of those saying stuff like that… right?
As the song ends, Adam enters an establishment. Here we meet Milly (Jane Powell), besieged by her hungry customers as she goes around the table serving them straight from a big-ass bowl. Each of those men asks her to marry him because she’s a good cook. She banters with them, but knowing the ratio— I’m troubled. I keep expecting one of the customers to pinch or grab her, but this is a Disney movie, well, it ain’t, but kind of.
Adam leans over the counter, and the barkeep asks, “Anything you like?”
THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN I THINK SEVEN BRIDES IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, BUT IT DOESN’T. YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I EXPECTED A BIT LATER.
“Could be, but first, I think I’d better sample that cooking.” Adam moves to get a place at the table.
Across the table, Milly is dutifully serving. She loses her momentum when her eyes land on that ginger-bearded tall glass of mountain water. She even drops a ladleful of hot yumminess over a guy’s lap thanks to the big backwoodsman’s fiery presence.
Adam’s first words to Milly as she’s finally close and ready to ladle him, “That smells good enough to eat.” But his eyes are not on her face. They are below her waist. You could say the bowl with food is around that area because this movie pretends to be subtle but we know where this is going.
Not to be out-punned Milly’s response lands flawlessly, “Tastes good too, so they tell me.”
Adams dares to ask for ketchup. “My stew can stand on its own feet,” ripostes an offended Milly. He looks at her. She looks at him. He digs a spoonful and doesn’t moan when the savory business assaults them taste buds ’cause this ain’t that kind of movie, goshdarn it.
“Good?” Milly asks. “Good,” Adam answers.
Immediately, the immortal words of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost (1990) come to mind. “You in danger, girl.”
OF COURSE, MILLY IS MILKING A COW THE NEXT TIME WE SEE HER. SEVEN BRIDES WAS OBVIOUSLY DIRECTED BY A GROUP OF HORNY TEENAGERS TRAPPED IN STANLEY DONEN’S BODY.
There’s something disturbing as Adam introduces himself and expounds the extent of his land and wealth while Milly continues milking that cow. The way the scene is framed hones in on the idea of the director and producers elbowing each other and snickering.
Adam, leaning over the cow finishes his discourse with, “Only thing it ain’t got. It ain’t got a woman. How about it?”
We can still hear the milk splashing as Milly asks, “How about what?”
“I just told you.” Adam looks at her like she’s dumb. “How about marrying me?”
Milly stares at him in shock, redoubling her milking efforts.
“Oh I know it’s kind of short notice. Back east, we would have met on a Sunday leaving church. Six months later, I would have asked you, could I walk you home?” Adam seems to see that far away east in his mind. “Next two, three years, I would have sat in your front parlor every Wednesday night. And finally, I would have asked your father could I marry you?” His dark eyes bore into her blue ones. “But here, there’s no time. I’ve got to be home tonight to tend to my stock! It’ll be another five months before I get down again with my grain. You going to keep me waiting all that five months just for your pride?”
IF SEVEN BRIDES SHOWS US ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY— IT’S THAT GASLIGHTING WAS INVENTED IN THE 1800S.
Milly’s answer to that impassioned speech? “I’ll have to finish my chores.”
I know what you’re thinking. No. Milly ain’t slow. She’s just a woman with an agenda. Neither as plain as she looks, just up to something.
Big Red triumphantly goes to get cleaned up and grab a preacher.
Interestingly, the preacher and his family have been sort of guardians over Milly since she found herself in that town. They are not happy about the sudden wedding. They wanted her married, but to one of their own, a townsfolk, not some unknown giant ginger woodsman.
Milly has said yes to other men before but always backed out at the last minute. She explains it’s different with Red. It feels right and there are no doubts plaguing her.
They get married, and we get many reactions to the joyous occasion as they leave town. The men are not happy. “Never liked them Pontipees. Now I know why,” says a probably jilted suitor. But the best one comes from the lady owner of the general store.
“IT’S INDECENT IF YOU ASK ME— ONE LONE WOMAN WITH SEVEN SCROUNGY BACKWOODSMEN.” WE AGREE; THAT’S EXACTLY HOW MOST PORNOS STARTED IN THE 1970S.
The love, at first sight, continues the fairy tale varnish all over this film. SEVEN BRIDES doesn’t even have the decency of giving us a heroic moment to make Milly’s falling for Adam quasi-believable. Why not at least have him save her from some ass-grabbing rogues. Why bother? Still, deception is afoot.
Adam missed informing Milly of a very important detail of their future life together. And if Milly hasn’t been so interested in leaving that town, she would have noticed it when he was detailing how stupidly big his property was.
THE BAD
Milly is going up to that mountain to escape cooking and cleaning after a bunch of men at work. And you guessed it, Adam hasn’t told her another six ginger beasts await up there.
Now, the film tries to remove the blame of omission from Big Red with the efficiency of a finger blocking the sun. After Milly tells him she’s happy with a future of cooking for only one man, she starts singing before he can burst her bubble. That’s what songs do in musicals, interfere.
Why get a wife when all you need is a maid? The answer is obvious, ain’t it? Sexual benefits.
Adam gets a wife simply to work her physically, mentally, and sexually. And thank Universe this is not that kind of movie because if it were, he’ll be sharing the wife with the brothers.
WELL, SEVEN BRIDES DOESN’T HAPPEN IN MISSISSIPPI. IT’S OREGON AFTER ALL.
Nevertheless, the whole love at first sight thing sours more quickly than coleslaw left in the sun. Milly is not happy when she discovers the six red trolls that populate Adam’s realm. Nah, they are six ginger hunks, but that does not change the fact that the new Mrs. Pontipee did not sign up for that fukkeree.
Milly is so mad, Adam ain’t getting no consummation that night. He’s ready to sleep on a branch outside their window so the brothers don’t realize he ain’t getting any. After some singing, Milly lets him sleep inside to save face. Still, her goodies ain’t for trade until she decides his balls are blue enough. Good for her.
The six red brutes aren’t as beastly as they seemed at first glance. Once again, by the magic of movies, but without a music montage, Milly whips them into shape pretty fast.
The distance from farm to town is unfathomable because hearing Adam talk about it the first time sounded insurmountable. Nevertheless, after being there for a while, Milly grabs the cart to go for some supplies like it’s no big deal. One by one all the brothers hitch themselves to the supply run. And I’m here wondering how they can just up and leave everything willy-nilly without a second thought. Chores half done, animals out, no one keeping an eye on shit.
They are six brothers, but we mostly interact with the second, Benjamin, and the last, Gideon. Milly takes Gideon to help her with the supplies. She tells the others to stay in the cart and mind their manners. Milly might keep them clean and shaved, but their communication and social skills aren’t up to par with their hunkiness.
THE BROS SAY THE WRONG THING TO SOME GALS, AND ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF SEVEN BRIDES ENSUES.
One of the townies throws the first punch, but Benjamin and another brother are ready to rumble. Thanks to the brawl, the general store window is blown to smithereens. Milly goes out to control her in-laws, only to discover it’s just two of them causing all the mayhem. She turns to the three still in the cart and screams, “Don’t just stand there. Do something!”
“What fer? There’s only three little ones,” Brother number something says unconcerned.
In the end, it’s only Benjamin against another three. He dispatches them quickly and says to Milly, “Well, it stopped.”
Later that night, they wonder what they did wrong. Milly explains to them they have to say nice stuff. She turns to Gideon and asks him to say something nice.
“Nice night for a ‘coon hunt,” Gideon blurts. The absolute picture of ginger innocence. You haven’t been paying attention if you thought SEVEN BRIDES would be done with the double entendre by now.
Adam cackles. When Milly tells him to get, he passes judgment, “You’re beating your head against a stone wall, Milly. You’ll never make jack-a-dandies out of them.”
More song and dancing be unleashed here. We get to see them practicing manners and dance steps for the barn raising get-together in a month. This is one of the most cringe-inducing moments of the movie because it’s Milly who instructs them on how to get away with being creeps around the girls. Whenever the six brothers are involved, the dance numbers are rough, full of stomping and dragging and grappling. Milly is at the center of all this mayhem.
FOR SOME REASON ALL I KEEP SEEING IS A MEME. YOU KNOW THE ONE. THAT NICE 90-POUND LADY ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED BY A GROUP OF FOOTBALL PLAYER TYPES; ORIGINATED IN SOME X-RATED MOVIE.
Time passes as it does in movies. Next, we see the bros in those colorful outfits made famous by marketing strategies around the world. They go to the barn-raising picnic where they’ll meet the women of their dreams.
There’s animosity against the brothers among the young townsfolk. I see it as a plot hole from the get-go because dudes barely leave the mountains. They’ve rarely seen a girl… (or so they claim). Still, they didn’t go animal planet when Adam came with Milly. Nonetheless, they were all expectant when the wedding night was supposed to be consummated. So, ignorant of the mechanics of birds and bees they ain’t.
Since the original West Side Story came out in 1961, I’m not going to compare the choreography of the dance fight to it. It should be the other way around. It’s an entertaining number even amid all the roughness I have mentioned before. Four of the six brothers were actual members of dance companies. Not Benjamin (Jeff Richards), though. He was there to be the face. Shame he wasn’t a natural ginger. #DrapesVCarpet
The scene ends with black eyes, broken knuckles, and chipped teeth; also with six brothers wrapped around the little finger of that nasty little thing called Lurve…
AND THE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
Time passes, and the bros never go back to town because of the barn-raising snafu. Still, they pine for the lovely ladies they met that day. Now here’s where I call bull dookie. Under Milly’s tutelage, they could have become active members of the community. Do that church/parlor sitting thing Adam described during his no proposal to trap, I mean, conquer Milly. But no, why bother? Character arch/development is unnecessary when you have brute force behind you. So 2020s Hollywood…
There are things the film foreshadows superbly while glossing over others with disdain, turning easily dismissed plot holes into gaping maws of dissonance. Of all books, Milly is reading Plutarch! A woman in 1850s Oregon! But it’s simply to force Adam to discover the story of the Sabine women. What morbid curiosity would endear a strong, nice woman like Milly to a story of rape and suffering? What darkness lies within her?
IMAGINE IF HER BOOK WERE A TREATY ON QUEEN BOUDICCA. SEVEN BRIDES WOULD HAVE BEEN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FILM.
Adam eggs his brothers into getting their women like the Roman did those “Sobbin’ women.” He still urges them to bring a preacher with the lot since that is god-fearing territory… Fait accompli sans preacher, the pursuing fathers and townsfolk cannot reach them because the pass is blocked thanks to an avalanche.
Horrified by their actions, Milly banishes husband and brothers-in-law to live at the barn. She lodges the girls at the brothers’ quarters. After weeks of inhaling the aroma of feet, sweat, and manly secretions, the girls start fantasizing about the six ginger brutes. Yeah, it does kind of turn into THAT kind of movie, but with a song to mask it.
The ending is rushed and convenient. The angry townsfolk had to wait months to rescue the girls because the kidnap happens in winter (?). Somehow in their collective minds, the virtue of the six girls remains conveniently preserved all those months; only to be taken the night they finally go to rescue them. Seriously?
Just because you hear a child crying, doesn’t mean it belongs to one of the abductees. Aren’t you supposed to bake a kid for seven months at a minimum? How long were they trapped in those mountains at the mercy of the ginger beasts? That math doesn’t add. The girls’ fathers didn’t even have the wherewithal to check the kid (Adam and Milly’s weeks-old child), or squeeze a bob to see who’s lactating… I mean come on. Luckily, we brought a preacher with us, so he can marry the lot and wash away any shame the confinement may have produced.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, SEVEN BRIDES COULD BE AN INTERESTING STUDY OF HOW OUR PSYCHE TURNS A TRAUMATIC EVENT INTO SOMETHING MORE PALATABLE TO PROCESS IT.
Would you be able to remake this film today? Certainly with lots of cash from countries that still think women are second-class citizens/property. That’s the only way if you even have a smidge of self-awareness. Can’t believe we still somehow romanticize male possessiveness. Alas, the 50 Shades blockbuster trilogy and more recently Netflix’s 365 Days (2020) and its sequel show us there’s still a market for that exciting demographic. Even the stage play of SEVEN BRIDES is still a successful thing in the middle of this era of women empowerment and equality.
I’m shamelessly proud of myself for writing that with a straight face. Proud of you too, for reading it with the same stoic demeanor. We know those are not the times we live in.
As a side note, I think a dance remix of the song “Lonesome Polecat” would be an instant gay anthem. That performance of the six bros (playing with axes as they sing) is frankly a thing of beauty. And we do have a gay icon in this movie: Julie Newmar is one of the six kidnapped women. She’s the original Catwoman if you are not aware.
I’m going to give SEVEN BRIDES 6 out of 10 for all the gingerness. Had the Pontipees been blonde the whole thing would be down to 3 out of 10; this reminder of women still treated like property 68 years later should not be praised.
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is available on HBO Max.
