Each time I go to the movies, I live for the previews, savor the candy I’ve snuck in, and I recline my chair to its fullest extent. I do all of this in anticipation of being lost in another world for two hours. I enjoy all kinds of movies – from the Marvel franchise and Star Wars to documentaries, indie flicks, and weird art films. Whether in chilly air conditioning or buried in one’s own winter coat, there’s magic to spending time in the theater.
Until last week, when I found out that magic could be ruined.
Recently, I saw two movies in theaters; the only films I’ve seen on the big screen since the end of 2019. Both times, I donned a trusty KN95 mask and eagerly opened the doors to a space which had been off-limits for so long.
So when I chose to go see The Green Knight, I arrived excited. I heard about the epic, artsy nature of this film, and was totally ready for it. I love fantasy, legends, and existential journeys. Giving it the benefit of the doubt, my hope was to let The Green Knight lead me through the uncertain territory and show me something new.
There are two types of films which, when you leave, you know you wish you could forget.
But you won’t.
Ones that are so out there, but so on point and full of some kind of truth, that you know you’ll vividly remember scenes from them until the day you die. You’ll have the memories even if you only watch it once. The Lobster is that movie for me.
And then there are the movies that are so bad, so utterly irreparably bad, that you wish they had never been made.
You wish you could spare other people from spending their money and time and energy on them. After leaving the theater, the only appropriate reaction is to throw your hands up afterward. Maybe you could even laugh until you can’t breathe at the same time? No matter your decision, you’ll likely also scream at the sky in the parking lot afterward because the movie was so bad, and because YOU CAN’T GET YOUR MONEY BACK!
You want to go back in time and strangle the screenwriter before the script is written. Being able to send the director to therapy until they work out their problems would also be nice. That way, he can’t harm other people again through giant movie screens for two, insanity-filled hours of boredom and disgust.
And because I can’t yet forget this God-awful movie, I will attempt to explain my thoughts.
Hopefully, my thoughts convince you to steer clear of The Green Knight.
First off, the movie comes from a white male director who butchers a lovely Arthurian legend. He clearly tried psychedelics for the first time recently. He had an ego death and now thinks about his own mortality a lot, and what that means for his monotonous, white man life.
Predictably, The Green Knight is a movie that is entirely carried by its sweeping cinematography and cheesy, eerie music. It follows an uncaring, wimpy ass man (Dev Patel), whose mother tries to teach him the lesson. That lesson? One day, he will die, and he should like, care about that. Or something? Because just sleeping around and partying isn’t enough to make one’s life meaningful.
Wait, are we talking about Gawain in the movie or people in Hollywood?
Highlights of the movie “how a white man believes he can make something of himself in the world by taking drugs and confronting the inevitable mortality awaiting us all” ironically starring Dev Patel (whose talent is completely wasted in this film), include:
- Women being witches.
- Gawain getting lost.
- Gawain dying—but not dying.
- A ghost who contributes nothing to the plot.
- An adorable CGI fox that turns out to have a VERY creepy voice.
- Giant humans WHICH EXIST FOR NO REASON AT ALL AND DO NOTHING FOR THE PLOT OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
- Gawain eating mushrooms and throwing them up and then hallucinating (so original??).
- Gawain being afraid of his death (like, yeah we all are…).
- Alicia Vikander playing two different supporting characters in a way that has you thinking constantly about if you’re crazy or if indeed this is the same actress.
- The same actress giving a bizarre monologue about green being the color of the Earth (like, duh? was he stoned when he wrote this part?).
- Gawain jizzing all over his hands and then being kissed on the mouth by that woman’s husband.
- Gawain finally realizing he can’t avoid his death or his life will just… suck…? So he’s like I’M READY OKAY KILL ME NOW and then his mom is like “lololololololol jk.”
- And then the film ENDS ABRUPTLY on a lighthearted note???
What makes it worse is that I tried OVER AND OVER AGAIN to lean into the film and give it a chance, even though every fiber of my being wanted to laugh. At the same time, I felt such awful dread, shame, and guilt from just how cowardly Gawain remains the entire film, I legitimately thought throwing up afterward would make me feel better.
And this unholy experience can also be yours for just less than 20 dollars!
But don’t just take it from me. It’s time to play a game callllled…
Twenty Reviews of Bad Internet Porn or Real Rotten Tomatoes Audience Reviews of 2021’s The Green Knight?
- We were expecting a nice fantasy adventure only to be greeted with non-consensual jacking-off and a plot with more holes than swiss cheese.
- Boring Boring Boring. It looks good but so boring.
- If I could give this a zero rating, or even a negative rating, I would. What the hell was this?
- Pretty much was just a guy walking.
- It’s a no for me dog!
- Uninteresting pseudo-symbolic drivel.
- Slow death, dragging.
- I just screened this film less than an hour from writing this and I swear to God, everyone got up and walked out less than 40 minutes in. including the group I was with. I was the last man standing and could have stayed home and watched paint dry.
- Zzz zzz zzz what, huh? Zzz zzz zzz
- Weird and underwhelming. The main character was a horrible wimp. Just couldn’t get into it at all.
- In the beginning, Dev Patel beheads the Green Knight, but by the middle of the movie, I was wishing he had beheaded me! If I could give negative stars I would.
- Just the worst. Dog poop. If you can stay awake.
- Expected adventure and it wasn’t there.
- It’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and I saw Danny DeVito’s Hot to Trot. We left. I looked over at my husband and said are we being punked? Are they trying to make this boring on purpose? He said I’d rather plank than be here. We have never left a movie before. It was just a mess boring, rambling, no character growth.
- I’d rather die than watch this snooze fest again.
- If you enjoy seeing a dirty dumpster in an empty warehouse and you think that is modern art then this movie is for you.
- Oh my God. What in the **** did I just watch? I about left the theater when the (spoiler alert) 300-foot tall humans appeared 30 minutes in. I haven’t walked out of a movie since Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Whatever you thought you were going to watch coming into this, I guarantee you are going to be disappointed. It was beautiful and artsy but complete nonsense.
- Lots of witchcraft and weird cult stuff that doesn’t touch home to any historical religion. When the movie ended, the people in the theater just sat there in shock. No one said a word. Alicia Vikander stole the show as a weird clone of her other self in the movie. It’s going to sound really weird, but I’m pretty sure the wanna-be-knight prematurely ejaculated on her. I’m not even kidding. That’s right before the Lord of that Manor gave him a kiss goodbye. Wow! Certified fresh my ass. Sure, it was unique but damn was it awful. You would have to pay me at least $100 to sit through that again and I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t fall asleep. This movie gets one star just for her performance. That’s it. I feel pity for her being in this movie.
- This should be called Nothing Happens: The Movie. Worst movie I have ever seen.
- I’m tired of movies being “deconstructed” or “subverted.” Who thinks that is good? If I go see a movie about Jack and Jill, I expect them to be going up a hill to fetch a pail of water (and have challenges while doing it), not flying off to a beach in Spain where Jack falls in love and decides to stay, and Jill goes home with a bottle of tequila she bought at the duty-free shop for her mom. Please stick to the story as written and stop messing stuff up with your ideas.
- Lost two hours of my life…….horrible….ugh ……torture to watch. Best part is the End!
So, are these reviews of porn films, or A24’s The Green Knight?
All 20 were for The Green Knight! And, yes, all of these reviews are real.