Musician’s Journal is ‘maybe’ a new feature where we will ask bands, musicians, artists, etc. the details behind their music. Instead of your standard interview where bands get asked the same generic questions over and over Musician’s Journal is meant for the artist to breakdown the Inspiration, the Process, and the Future behind their music.
To try out this somewhat unconventional feature we needed a test subject and why not test and torture one of our own. Phil Maye, is a long time contributor and friend here at B.G.M. and he has recently released a new song called “Perception Check” and rather than just sharing it on our social media profiles we figured the song was amazing enough that it warranted some actual coverage on the site. So instead of a friend soft balling questions to another friend about their craft, we figured it might be interesting to get a detailed breakdown of what this song means to the artist himself. Enjoy! – Jon
Inspiration
Believe it or not, the COVID-19 pandemic did not fare well for the events marketing industry. A few days after Rudy Gobert tested positive and subsequently shut down professional sports as we know it, I was working from home, and two weeks later I was officially laid off. I felt frustrated and lost; I wasn’t happy at my job by any means, but I had spent the better part of a half a decade transforming myself into the type of person who was supposed to excel in this type of position. Having drastically changed aspects of who I was to fit the mold of the professional, buttoned-up office type I was supposed to be, only to have the motivational factor behind that change swiftly taken from me was…jarring, to say the least. Left to my own devices, and without the distraction of a job that demanded 100% of my attention more or less all the time, the void between who I had become and who I really was became glaringly apparent. I needed to get back in touch with my true self.
When faced with a similar existential crisis coming out of university, I turned to music as a way to process the complicated feelings I had about my life. Creating music became the driving force behind everything I did, resulting in a series of albums steadily released between 2013 (Wasted Potential) and 2018 (‘ahem’). It wasn’t until my career consumed every aspect of who I was that I stopped making music – my career, coupled with a seeming inability to get anyone to give even a remote modicum of a shit about what I was making. Basically, I gave up. I remember thinking, after a live show in the summer of 2018 that acted as a summation of everything I had done up to that point, that it was time to grow up and move on.
Life’s not always that clean cut. In April of this year, I found myself back at square one, with no job or direction or any clear idea of what the future had in store. I needed to get back in touch with who I really was, and I needed to process. After covering a Lil Peep song as a form of ‘warm-up’ (I hadn’t touched any music production software in over 2 years), I started writing what would eventually become “Perception Check.”
A lot of my previous music was focused on more abstract, overarching concepts like depression, infidelity etc., but “Perception Check” is about a very specific experience I had. Its actually probably the first song I’ve ever written that’s about a concrete ‘thing’. I have no idea who’s reading this so I’m not going to go into too much detail (here’s looking at you mom/FBI), but the story basically goes like this: one-night last summer, I was a bit too out of it on one substance or another (could be anything!) and ended up having an extremely disorienting night out with a friend that culminated with someone pulling a gun on us. The song is about processing the leftover trauma from that evening, as well as the guilt I felt from my actions/state of mind leading us into this life-threatening situation. I was playing a lot of Zoom DND at the time of writing, so the title is kind of an homage to that, and to my friend who was with me that night who also happens to be the DM of my DND group. In many ways, “Perception Check” is an apology.
Process
There’s nothing quite like turning 30 in the middle of a global pandemic. The amount of reflection/anxious apprehension normally associated with such a milestone birthday is only amplified by the isolation. Subconsciously, I think I needed to retaliate against the pervasive thoughts about getting old and lingering baggage about my transformation into a stuffy, corporate type person. The first part of “Perception Check” that came to me was the very first couplet of the song – “Just a few nights before Game 6/I thought I had a little bit”. I had this really snotty, pop-punky melody and intonation in my head, which ended up laying the foundation for the vibe of the song. Basically, I wanted the song to sound as ‘young’ as possible; something you’d expect a 16-year-old to bang out in his parents’ basement, not a 30-year-old who just lost his office job fiddling around on his laptop. Call it regression if you will – I prefer the term re-actualization (sure Phil). The final product didn’t quite turn out this way, but it should give you a sense of where my head was at going into this thing. Given the event-specific nature of the song, I wanted to include a few details in the final mix of this section to add a sense of time and place. Basketball is a huge part of my life, and we were actually watching a Raptors vs Warriors finals game that night before everything went to shit. Listen closely and you can hear a series of famous announcer quotes from the Raptors 2019 playoff run mixed just underneath the music. Sportsnet – please don’t sue me.
Continuing in the vein of re-connecting with youthful energy, I knew I wanted the song to have a breakdown, mid-00’s metalcore style. Thematically it fit as well, as a means to properly broadcast the terror of someone pointing a gun at you. The first breakdown I wanted to keep nice and simple sticking to one line screamed over and over – “put the gun away”. The hope was that the repetition of this key phrase would let the listener know that the stakes are high and that there’s a purpose behind the aggression. I wanted to recreate some of the horrific disorientation I felt that night with the second breakdown. I had been listening to the new Code Orange record and was feeling inspired by this ‘digital heaviness’ they manage to achieve by employing production tricks with their breakdowns, and did my best to emulate a similar style by playing with tempo, filters, and other plug-ins to create a sense of chaos beyond just standard headbanging badassery. Black metal is my favorite genre, so the murkiness associated with that eventually found its way into the final mix of these heavy parts.
The chorus of “Perception Check” is one of my favourite melodies I’ve ever written, and I spent hours trying to make it sound exactly how I wanted. This chorus was literally stuck in my head for weeks before I finally transcribed it into an actual song. My initial vision for the chorus with this almost alt-rock-esque vocal lead, but my time covering Lil Peep got me really interested in this idea and sound of multi-tracked vocals and sounding much bigger than you actually are. Comprised of about 10 different takes mixed together, I ended up with this chorus that sounded like an aggro Panda Bear take on stadium rock. I wanted the chorus to be a bit of a ‘guitar hero’ moment as well and layered on a ton of different takes with different tones to make it sound as huge as possible. Sidechaining the guitars to these big drums to create the groove resulted in this weird, techno-rock chorus that I honestly can’t wait to belt it out at the top of my lungs on stage someday (if live music ever comes back) (if anyone actually decides to book me for a show). Lyrically, most of this song is specific to my personal experience that night, but the chorus is meant to be universal – who among us hasn’t had one of those nights where everything seems to be going wrong?
Disclaimer – I don’t know how to actually play any instruments. Everything I create, save a few exceptions, is more or less built from scratch using MIDI files that I fuck with until they sound how I want. But I knew that the only way to complete this song the way I envisioned it was to include an acoustic bridge, which meant I would have to do something I had never done before – ask for help. My initial conception of this bridge was EXTREMELY emo – I’m talking sparse acoustic guitar and an insanely overwrought, raw vocal take of the chorus. I asked my good friend John Rollett, the mastermind behind Soft Edit if he could record this simple acoustic part for me. Just a few chords strummed in an uncomplicated manner. He said sure, so I wrote out the chords I needed and made a MIDI reference track for him. What he sent me back was so stunningly gorgeous that it made me re-think the structure of the entire song. Originally I wanted the acoustic bridge to be brief, maybe 30-45 seconds max. The final product contains all 2 minutes of what John sent me, as well as a vocal part I didn’t even know I wanted to include until I heard what John had put together. What a king. Thanks, John. Fun fact – the majority of vocals you hear on this song were recorded in this rehearsal space I rented for the afternoon due to being self-conscious about recording harsh vocals in my apartment. All vocals except the bridge – I recorded those in my bedroom, very stoned, after being permanently laid off by my old job. I was feeling a vibe and wanted to capture it.
Future
The next song from what will eventually be my 7th album is called “New Taste” and should be out in a few weeks. It’s kind of like a ballad. Your mom will love it. I have a lot of other song ideas bouncing around in my head, so with the right amount of focus and determination, I should have the next album, called Idiots, ready for release in the fall. In a sick, ironic twist, most of the music I’m making now is designed for a full band to play live – genius, considering 1) live music won’t exist for at least another year, and 2) I don’t actually have a band. On which note – please contact me if you want to join my band! I’m basically serious!
The future has never been more uncertain, in every way imaginable. I have no idea what my life will look like a month from now, 6 months from now, a year from now. But I’m finally making the music I’m hearing in my head. Even if nothing comes of this, as is the most likely scenario, it won’t matter because I’m doing this for me and no one else. I can take on anything the world throws at me as long as I have my music to come back to at the end of the day. I can only hope that someone out there finds the same solace in hearing my music as I find in making it.
