What the gosh did I just watch? I consider myself a good, open minded person. I really enjoy keeping up with the biggest shows so I can talk to Diane at work about it. She’s this really swell new intern who I chat with in the break room sometimes. We used to always talk about Big Bang Theory, but that ended and now she’s watching this Stranger Things show?
I’m going to come right out and say it in all caps: STRANGER THINGS IS TOO DANG WEIRD!
At least they got the title right because everything in this show is stranger than the last. I don’t even know where to start! I spent most of my watch time yelling, “What is going on!?!?” at my television because it was all way too kooky. With a name like that, I expected something odd, but not like this!
What initially stood out to me was the lack of parental oversight.
Let me tell you something about when I was growing up. At least one of my parents would be present any time I was with my friends, and if it was Mother who was chaperoning our play romps, Grandfather would sit in the corner of the room, quietly writing down notes in The Book of Judgment, which he would present for review to the high council at the end of every week. Mother and Father would write down notes in their own copies of The Book of Judgment, but these notes would be on us children.
Boys and girls in the same play romp? Mother and Father would not approve of a show that had that as a plot point. I know this occurred in Big Bang Theory, but they were clearly exiled into The Tower of the Shunned for practicing science. As Mother would say, the characters in that show had already passed from the light of The Goat King’s smile, and what they did had no consequence anymore in this world or the next.
But children who haven’t even reached their twenty-first birthday and thus haven’t yet gone through their Absolution Ceremony to become full adults, that’s a disbelief I could not suspended. They would definitely not be allowed any time alone together. Yeah right, Stranger Things. Let’s just say you’re starting off a little too weird.
Butter my biscuits because it gets even stranger.
In the very same first episode, they show the girls going to school instead of milking the goats. Golly, I know it happens. Even Diane from work went to school. My issue here is that all the girls seem to go to school and the show didn’t even have a single girl milking goats. I can get behind a wacky fantasy world that’s different from our own world, but this is taking it a little too far if you ask me.
Then, about five episodes in, I noticed something extremely out there. This show takes place in the 1980s. I didn’t catch it at first because it’s very subtle and the world in the show is so different from the one we know that it doesn’t resemble the 80s at all.
But as soon as I caught it, I did not like this quirk in the least. Dang me to heck, but I think a show should take place currently. It just gets too confusing otherwise! I kept yelling at the television, “Make sure you call Mother on your smart phone!” but they wouldn’t ever do it because those didn’t exist yet. Talk about off-putting, this took me completely out of this show.
I haven’t even gotten to the two strangest things yet, but they sure as heck are doozies.
For some odd reason, a girl in the show has short hair, and we find out the reason she has short hair is that she’s a witch. I didn’t think she was a girl at first because of the short hair. When I did find out, I lost my temper a little and called Father to request guidance. I do not like to admit it, but I was seeing cross eyed, I was so mad. I threw my water sipping glass straight out the front door and onto the lawn!
Father didn’t pick up because Mother and Father died in that fire three years back. Sometimes when I get really mad, I forget that and call them so they can calm me down like they used to back when they were alive. Of course, if they were still living, I wouldn’t be living by myself like I am now. That just goes to show how mad I was because I certainly forgot they died.
And speaking of death by fire, this show gets even weirder because at no point does anyone ever discuss burning the bald witch girl. That would have been the first thing I suggested in their place. I would have gone up to Mother and whispered to her about the witch girl, and she would have brought me to The Elder to repeat my witch talk to him.
The witch girl would have to stand in front of the council and speak of her crimes. If the council is able to burn the witch powers out of her before she dies, she could rejoin society and live a quiet life milking goats and perhaps one day work in the cheese shed. But very powerful witches die before the witch can be burnt out of them, and this particular witch girl seems like an extremely powerful witch. She would probably expire before her witch powers were even half gone.
Perhaps the strangest thing of all is the freaky monster that keeps showing up. That is a bridge too far! Like I’ve said, I’m a very open minded person, but monster guys? From a monster world? Count me out. When the monster kept coming on my television, I cycled between hopping mad and frightened. I didn’t know which way was up!
That was a few weekends ago, and Diane didn’t show up to work the next Monday.
All I wanted to do was ask her about this crazy show she had me watch, but she didn’t show up to work on Tuesday either. When I asked my boss, he said her internship was over. She wasn’t coming back anymore. Well that bruised my banana something fierce. I didn’t know which way was up. Oh gosh, I already said that phrase a few paragraphs ago. I’m just so mad!
Not only that, but I found out later that Diane was living by herself with a man who was neither family nor husband. She never told me about this. If I had known, I wouldn’t have watched this, frankly, heathenistic show she seemed to enjoy. Although, that she went to school should have been the first sign that something was wrong with her.
As a child, I remember The Elder telling us of the cleansing ritual for those who were neither witches nor totally lost.
First, Diane would explain this terrible, weird show to me. Second, I would cleanse her. Third, the bonding ceremony.
We watched the first season of Stranger Things several times, but she could never reasonably explain why things were so gosh darn strange and what she liked about it. She seemed more focused on what happened to her “boyfriend”, which sure did make me see red just like a bull! If she was so caught up in her deceased boyfriend and not this show, I didn’t know what hope I had for her.
Luckily, after a few days, she finally admitted the show was a test from The Goat King, who placed this show in our lives to tempt us into dark magic and terrible thoughts. I myself had a few impure thoughts both during the show and after, but the fire of purity focused me. It took longer than I hoped, but we were starting down a good path.
She did not want the fire to cleanse her, either. That made me angry. Here, I was trying to help her, and she seemed not to appreciate that. Mother and Father would have told me to cleanse her in the forever fire, but I am weak. I did not cleanse her in the forever fire nor the witch’s fire. I cleansed her in the fire for everyone.
To test her while she was drenched on the basement floor and clutching at her cleansed feet, I asked her if she wanted to watch season 2 of Stranger Things.
“No,” she said. “Please, no.”
I may watch season 2 by myself, and I heard that season 3 is out, too. That’s a lot to catch up on, but the new intern at work keeps talking about season 3 and I don’t want it to be spoiled for me. It’s pretty weird but I’ve already watched season 1 several times so I kind of want to see where it goes.
That will all have to wait until after the bonding ceremony, though. I hope The Elder is pleased with my bride!