I don’t like award shows. There’s just something so soulless and contrived about being rewarded for something as subjective as art that just makes my skin crawl. The last time I watched the Grammy Awards, The Smashing Pumpkins won some kind of rock award and D’arcy was still in the band. How many years has it been? Who knows. Who cares. We’re currently at the 60th ceremony and I’ve been asked to do some coverage.
Be it racist, sexist, or just generally out of touch, The Grammys just aren’t my thing.
I would elaborate on why I feel this way but B.G.M. legend, Danny Vesper has done quite a few articles on the subject in the past. Being Dan had no interest in watching this year’s spectacle, our fearlless editor Jon called upon me for the job. Apparently I’m the most masochistic writer on the staff because I agreed.
There’s no way I will be able to top Dan’s legendary articles so I decided to share 60 of my thoughts live while watching. This one is for you Dan! I hope you’re happy.
60 Thoughts on The 60th Annual Grammy Awards.
The following comments were written live while watching the ceremony on CBS January 28th, 2018.
1- Father John Misty is nominated in the ‘Alternative’ catagory. I thought all the man-bunners called that ‘indie’? What indie really means is the subject for another day. Watch this space.
2- It’s a bit alarming how there’s only one female artist nominated in the Rock category. While on that subject, St. Vincent isn’t said female, but K-Flay is. Huh?
3- How is Bruno Mars nominated for all these album awards? I had no idea his album even dropped.
4- Good idea: Kendrick Lamar performs. Bad idea: Bono and The Edge had to show up.
5- It’s too early in this show to fall asleep. Thanks Sam Smith.
6- So Little Big Town is a band? Every time I heard them being talked about, I think it’s a Playstation game. Mind blown.
7- Who did James Corden have to kill to get this gig? I thought Fallon had all these shows locked. Apparently only late show hosts can handle such a task.
8- If someone performs “Black Hole Sun” tonight, I’m gonna throw something at my TV. However, this is the Grammys, which means Cornell’s passing probably won’t be brought up.
9- It’s 30 minutes in and I’ve yet to see one Kanye interuption or a wardrobe malfunction, remind me why I’m watching this again?
10- This is gonna be a very long night.
11- This is the first time I’ve seen DJ Khaled do something. I had no idea he is an artist. I thought he was a meme actor.
12- Let’s be real for a second: Has anyone in this room really ever listened to Chuck Berry or Fats Domino?
13- This little Subway Carpool Karaoke skit with James Corden, Sting, and Shaggy isn’t funny, cute, or the least bit amusing. Much like the skit’s on Corden’s night show. At least he’s consistent I guess.
14- I’ve never listened to Cardi B, but she’s kinda bangin’. I’m into this In Living Color Fly girls meets LL Cool J vibes in her Bruno Mars performance. I assume her music is probably vulgar and potentially offensive but that’s okay.
15- None of these Best Country Album nominees sound like country music…or remotely interesting for that matter. Why wasn’t Tennesse Jet’s Reata up for this award?
16- It was cool Eric Church and his friends talked about the people who lost their lives in the pointless Las Vegas shooting this past summer. All snarkiness aside, I can’t even imagine how traumatizing that had to be for the survivors and artists alike.
17- Sting keeps singing “I’m an Englishman in New York!” but he’s doing so in a Jamaican accent? Am I missing something here?
18- Speaking of missing something, why is Shaggy on stage? Why are these two hanging out and why do we have to be subject to hearing them perform? Why is this happening?
19- Before giving out the award for Best Rap Album, Dave Chappelle insists all the nominees are winners regardless who wins. Probably because there were no white artists to give the award to this year.
20- Janelle Monae is a treasure, and her Times Up speech took us to church. Amen.
21- Foo Fighters won some kind of rock award, I don’t know which one but it wasn’t televised. That was a win for all of us. I’m sure this will be discussed on an upcoming episode of the B.G.M. Podcast.
22- I thought U2 wasn’t here? But they just HAD to give us a U2 performance.
23- How is U2’s bass player playing while wearing gloves?
24- How is The Edge doing all these weird effects on his guitar solo but there are no pedals anywhere near him?
25- All these dudes cheering when women are talking about standing up against sexual misconduct. Even the ones who are probably guilty and going to be outted the next day.
26- Each Song Of The Year nominee was written by no less than 27 writers each.
27- The jokes about Donald Drumpf are funny but I feel like it’s only because I hate him. How bad is it where he can even ruin cruel jokes?
28- Elton John and Miley Cyrus performing together. Okay, but I’m far more interested in what his wig thinks about it.
29- Elton kinda looks like Austin Powers.
30- James Corden isn’t funny or endearing.
31- The second Drumpf sees Hilary Clinton reading from Fire and Fury, we’ll probably be in nuclear war with a random country. I hope we’re still alive in the morning.
32- Hey! They’re talking about Broadway. Time for a bathroom break.
33- The bit with James Corden’s parents was kind of funny. Maybe they should host next year instead.
34- I wonder what Andrew Lloyd Webber was thinking during Bruno Mars and Cardi B’s performance earlier in the show?
35- I respect that Ben Platt kid. Yeah his voice is nice and all, but showing up to the Grammys wearing Old Navy clothes was punk as Hell.
36- I seriously thought he said it was going to be Patti LaBelle paying tribute to Andrew Lloyd Webber but it wasn’t. This old lady is still cool though.
37- Does anyone watching this really know the difference between Song Of The Year and Record Of The Year? I guess being it’s the same nominees for both, it’s really like a parting gift for the runner-up yeah?
38- Wait, Tina Turner received a Lifetime Achievement Award but it wasn’t televised?
39- Eve hasn’t aged. Good on her.
40- James Corden still isn’t funny or endearing.
41- Mastodon won one of the guitar awards. I wish we could’ve seen them perform.
42- “Despatio” still sucks.
43- Bruno Mars reminds me of a less cooler version of Mickey Dolenz.
44- I think they’re just giving out awards to the same artists so they don’t have to worry about editing a different one on live television.
45- I love how all these artists and celebrities spent the entire night standing up to ‘the man’ but at the end of the day, this is show is put on by the same man. How can you really be against the establishment if you’re part of it?
46- I know everyone likes Chris Stapleton, but I think we can all agree he’s the Grammys’ “safe white guy playing guitar” tonight.
47- Emmylou Harris looks like she needs to speak to the manager about price matching a carton of Newports.
48- The tribute of performers and techs who passed away in 2017 were far better than the living ones we watched tonight.
49- I can’t believe all the people we lost in 2017. Chuck Berry, Chris Cornell, Tom Petty? This tribute is killing me (no pun intended)
50- How many times can they really shoehorn this Khaled guy into segments? He’s the “safe not-white guy playing guitar” guy.
51- At least we didn’t have to see Lorde perform.
52- The suicide pervention performance was basically everyone’s speech from every award show over the past 2 years, rolled into one. And for good reason.
53- Still haven’t laughed at James Corden.
54- Bono and The Edge are presenting Album of The Year award. Does anyone care for the other members of U2? I mean I don’t, but I’m sure someone does. Right?
55- I low-key want Kanye to show up and start talking over Bono and U2. Where you at Yeezy?
56- Bruno Mars wins album of the year by basically doing New Jack Swing covers of Michael Jackson songs. That’s the most 2018 thing of the night.
57- Man, where is Kanye during Bruno’s speech?
58- 36 minutes into his acceptence speech, Mars has basically said he wanted to make an album that makes people dance. He’s a pop artist, what else would he be making music for? He doesn’t look like the Death Metal type.
59- The fact that Kendrick and Jay Z lost to Bruno Mars for Album of The Year says so much about the state of the music industry.
60- I hope I did you well Dan. Please don’t make me the James Corden of BeardedGentlemenMusic.