The Holiday Season is upon us. That means spending time with loved ones, a delicious dinner, gifts, sipping eggnog by the fire. Watching the snow fall from the heavens making your neighborhood look like a postcard. Well not exactly. What that really means is you’re forced to contend with family members you’ve likely avoided all year and wondering if the turkey you are buying is a left over from Thanksgiving. Let’s face it: Christmas isn’t a holiday we enjoy, it’s a holiday we have to deal with.
You know what’s one of the worst things about the whole ordeal? Having to endure the atrocious Christmas themed pop songs on the radio, in the stores, and in outer-space probably. They’re everywhere! Do people really even enjoy these abominations or is just because they are forced upon us so hard we develop this twisted Stockholm’s Syndrome? Let’s have a look at some of the worst crimes against you humanity we have to hear every single year.
This is my personal list I like to call, All I Want For Christmas Is EWWW.
N’Sync – “Merry Christmas Happy Holidays”
For the kiddies who didn’t know, before Justin Timberlake was the white Usher (or the black Michael Bublé, depending on which era of his solo career) he was the scrawny Top Ramen haired kid in a boy band. When you’re in a boy band, Christmas is an important holiday. There were plenty of N’Sync dolls and lunchboxes to be sold and what better soundtrack than a bland and corny holiday cash-in like this song? There’s nothing that stands out as overly bad, it’s just criminally bland and soulless. It’s hard to explain the kind of corny it is without watching the God-awful music video. It looks like Old Navy threw up on Saved By The Bell. Ugh I’m glad the 90s are dead.
Britney Spears – “My Only Wish This Year”
Speaking of the 90s, Mariah Carey OWNED them with her holiday hit “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” So of course the next wave of disposable pop-tarts had to emulate the success. “My Only Wish This Year” is your run of the mill ‘bring my baby back’ cheese just like every Christmas pop song, complete with it’s early 60s R&B chord progression and sugary backing vocals. It even has a hand clap driven break. You know while on the subject, why do so many Christmas pop songs rely on the Phil Spector Christmas influence? Oh yeah, because those songs were good. This song isn’t.
Spears was never my thing but this song is so painful I almost feel bad for her. I wonder if she feels bad for me for having to hear this at least twelve times every single time I go to the mall from November through December?
John “Cougar” Mellancamp – “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
It’s bad enough when artists over sing oldies, but ruining the songs by trying too hard is a different beast. John Mellancamp was bent on taking this mediocre holiday novelty and turning it into one of the most annoying pieces of music ever put to tape. Why the faux-country styling? Why does it look like he is trying to look like Brad Dourif as the singer of INXS in the music video? Why do I get the uncontrollable urge to throat punch anyone who says Santa Claus as Sanny Clawz?
The lyrics of this song were always unsettling to me. Think about it: A kid sneaks down stairs and sees his mother making out with Santa. Of course he doesn’t realize it’s his dad, so that basically means this song is about catching Mom in the act of infidelity on the happiest time of the year. Merry Christmas kid.
(various artists) – “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
It’s a Christmas standard. Every artist from Dean Martin to the cast of Glee have recorded it. Not only is it annoying and over played but has anyone actually realized that the lyrics insinuate date-rape? The line “What’s in this drink?” says it all. Wow. A Christmas song that doubles as a date rape anthem. Have a holly jolly Christmas indeed!
WHAM! – “Last Christmas”
If you listen to this song back to back with another WHAM! hit “Everything She Wants,” it was pretty obvious George Michael seemingly picked the wrong partner. I wonder if this is about the same person? Did you know more people get depressed around the holiday season than any other part of the year? What a downer. Technically this song isn’t really that bad, but what kills it is how much it’s played. Seriously, there could be drinking games based on how many times this song gets airplay. Why? It’s pretty average and doesn’t even have a real hook. What makes this song so important to the holiday season? Is it because it could actually be about re-gifting? Whatever it is, make it stop. I’ve had enough.
Train – “Joy To The World”
I’ve always thought “Joy To The World” was always one of the most boring Christmas songs ever. That’s not a dig at the subject matter, but the song itself is just dull. Which is fitting because listening to Train is like watching paint dry. They’re not boring in a Coldplay sense, but more of a less annoying Maroon 5 but not as good as Matchbox Twenty kind of way. What makes their version of this song so embarrassing, is the fact they gratuitously throw in the chorus of one of their previous hits “Calling All Angels”. Have they no shame? It’s like they are saying “Hey here’s a song about baby Jesus but remember this hook? aww yeah”. Just…no.
Mannheim Steamroller – “Deck The Halls”
This rendition of this song makes my teeth hurt. Christmas music should invoke feelings of warm and fuzziness, comfort and love, not the soundtrack to Marble Madness. Did you know Mannheim Steamroller has sold over 40 million albums world wide? Did you know this is one of their most beloved songs? This is a sick, sad world.
Band Aid – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
I know I sound like a total A-hole. Especially when it’s whole purpose was to pull together the who’s who of England in 1984 and feed all sorts of starving AIDS stricken people in Africa, but you know who else is an A-hole? Bono. Want proof? The lyric “well tonight, thank God it’s them, instead of you!” Wow. What a profound lyric in a song about people starving to death. I also take issue with the chorus “Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” Well if they’re starving to death and dying with AIDS, knowing whether it’s Christmas or not is probably the least of their worries.
Paul McCartney – “Wonderful Christmas Time”
I seriously can’t think of any words to describe the way this song makes me feel. There’s almost this surreal nightmare-ish quality about it. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but I’m certain the keyboard riff in this song has been the soundtrack to some kid’s nightmare somewhere. This comes from Paul McCartney of all people! The man responsible for some of music’s greatest compositions like “Yesterday” and “Hey Jude.” Even a song like “Rocky Raccoon” makes this song look pleasant. For God’s sake man, you were a Beatle! Act like it!
(various artists) – “Santa Baby”
Then there’s this. The unholy abomination of mankind. Not only is it by far the worst Christmas song, but one of the worst songs of all time! First off, the lyrics are about this woman trying to seduce Santa Claus into giving her all of these superficial things like Tiffany’s decorations for the Christmas tree, diamond rings, a convertible, and a freakin’ yacht. Yes my friends a yacht.
Taylor Swift’s version is probably the worst though. Her tiny voice under a faster arrangement makes it sound like a 5th grader’s Holiday recital. No matter who sings it, it always sounds like some underage kid trying to be sexy and seductive. “Santa Baby” is ruining Christmas and it has to be stopped.
There you have it. That’s my most hated Christmas songs. There are plenty more no doubt, like the Bob Seger or Bruce Springsteen versions of “Little Drummer Boy” and of course the horrid Christmas melody from Destiny’s Child deserves a dishonorable mention as well. The list goes on and on, but thankfully holiday music is seasonal and we don’t have to hear it year round. Maybe these songs wouldn’t be so bad if weren’t subject to hearing them so much?
All Grinch-ness aside, I don’t hate Christmas and I have plenty of good holiday memories I will cherish all my life. Getting a Super Nintendo when I was 9, or that killer Kinks boxset my Dad and Mom bought me when I was 15. Of course Christmas isn’t all about gifts and as cliché as it sounds, being with the ones you love is the greatest gift we can give to each other. Memories are priceless. I want to wish all of you readers a Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate, and here’s to many more.
Oh and if I get a Mannheim Steamroller CD, even as a Secret Santa Gift, you’re house is getting burned down.