How does an under 30, single, non-lesbian girl, end up attending a Sarah McLachlan concert?

Like this…

Friend: Wanna go to a Red Butte show tomorrow?

Me: Which show? And probably, I like drinking and concerts.

Friend: Sarah McLachlan, her song is in the sad animal commercials.

Me: K, what time?

Instead of a review, I’m providing you with a list of what NOT to do at a Sarah McLachlan concert. The list goes as follows:

Sarah McLachlan1. Expect Sarah to transform into Neko Case. But she wears cool pants, and holds a guitar! Can’t she please turn into a badass Neko Case? No, No, she can’t.

2. Be straight. By the end of the night, my friend kept telling me how cute my freckles were, and I had to remind her that the romance of McLachlan was rubbing off on her.

3. Be young. Old ladies love this shit, in fact, they really didn’t appreciate my friend and I attending.

4. Ever go through a real heartbreak. The thing is, she says she is singing about heartbreak, but really – I would BEG for her version of sadness. It sounded so easy, and peaceful. I’m over here screaming Atlantis Morissette style sadness and she is like, oh “I was sad, but then I found my dream man, and now my life is full  of butterflies.”

5. Be less than perfect. See, she does yoga, and sees the best in everyone…so if you hate hippies and occasionally are pissed off – don’t attend, It makes it worse.

Sarah McLachlan6. Be insightful. Sarah asks people to ask her questions, “Will you sing happy birthday to my friend?” IS NOT a question, that is a request. When you have the opportunity, perhaps ask the following: 1. Do you purposely try to get your heart broken so that you have more material for songs ?  2. How many sad dogs have you saved? 3. Would you like a Tequila shot?  4. How much money do you make on tour? 5. Your voice is decent. why don’t you SCREAM?

7. Have Fun. Silence is really treasured at a Sarah McLachlan concert. Don’t laugh, don’t offer your concert neighbors drinks… Just sit there and think about your heart (and your head as she suggests).

8. Have moves like Jagger Remember the old people thing? The dancing, the dancing is so bad. It may be because you can’t really dance if you are envisioning really sad dogs in cages…

It was like two hours of a Dawson’s Creek episode on repeat, with less teen angst. Or quite possible a way for the older gentlemen to please their wives and get them out of the house for an evening.

I’m fairly convinced that she can sing, but the emotion isn’t there. If you are going to sing about politics, dead dogs, and that bastard that broke your heart – then do it. Let it lose. And if your audience is begging you for a song with Ice-Cream in the lyrics, tell them to go to hell, and mention that one time you were possibly hungry and wrote that song.